TRIGGER WARNING: I was molested from 9-12

I've never told anyone about this (except for someone online that I confided in desperately), but I was molested. By my brother. I think I might have a trauma-related condition called dissociative amnesia, so I don't remember much of what he used to do to me, except for bits and pieces. TW (I go into detail. Trigger words: p*n*trate, grind, org*smed) he never physically p*n*trated me, but he would touch my private parts and grind against me until he org*smed. He would try to touch my nipples but I wouldn't let him. I would sit in my room and maybe do schoolwork or play a video game, and he would come in, do his business, and leave. I knew he was going to do it every time but I stayed, and i don't know why. There were times where I would stay in the same room as my other brothers, because then he couldn't touch me. I always had a "just get it done and over with" mindset. I would sometimes feel like I had to do it or it would make him mad. There were sometimes when after he would finish, I would stay in the position he had me in, as if I wanted it. And I am so ashamed of that. I always felt like I wanted him to do it to me. Maybe I didn't know any better? Sometime when I was 9 I asked him to stop with a note, and he lied and told me yeah and continued to do his business. Then a while later he asked me if "we" could stop with the "blanket stuff", as if I asked to do it in the first place. Writing this is nauseating, bc I'm unlocking parts I forgot about.