TW rape as a teenager

hello, my name is laura. i’m now 27 years old and have recently come to terms with the fact i was raped as a 16 year old girl. my brain had suppressed this memory from me for years and it was only in the last 3/4 years i started to have this feeling there was a memory inside of me which disturbed the living hell out of my entire being. one day when i was lying in bed, it all came to me, the flashbacks, the abuse, the traumatic experience which i had gone through. i always knew my ex boyfriend when i was 16 had been abusive, mentally and emotionally. telling me i wasn’t good enough, i’d never be truly loved by anyone other than him, i was fat and ugly and unworthy. yet my brain had tried to make me forget about the night i had been raped. the way he did things i didn’t want him to do. i begged him to stop. he didn’t listen. after recalling this memory, all the other times he tried to force me into things came back too. there was a night when he wanted me to give him a blowjob, i told him no, he started to laugh and forced my head down towards his penis. he did this multiple times until he gave up. he would slip his hand into my underwear no matter where we were or if people were around when we were in public. when he raped me, because the rape had happened after consensual sex- he laughed when the condom got stuck inside of me and then laughed again and told me he didn’t enjoy it. that night after he did all of this, i remember being sat in the living room with my family suddenly feeling a complete disconnect to the people around me. my life has not been the same since. i have tried all i can to heal, to accept, to move on and move forward. nothing really works. i feel as though my journey to becoming well is underhanded and i will never get there no matter the amount of times i try to reach the top. if someone has any advice on how to start real recovery, please let me know