Telling Friends Merp

It's been 3 months since I've chosen to open up about and confront an assault that occured three years ago. Long story short, I didn't know what he did was wrong, and it took me three years to realize that I remembered the incident differently than I had initally thought. And now I'm unpacking it slowly. Telling my closest friends has been good and bad. They're here to support me and I can talk to them whenever I want, which is great, but telling them usually reminds me of another thing that happened that night that I had previously forgottten, and it hurts a lot to remember. Talking about it: it gets worse before it gets better.

Right now I'm only telling people who I know I will benefit from if they know. Telling someone my story ruins my day, but I'm reminded throughout the conversation that something good will come out of it for me. I don't want to see it that way, but that's what happens. Therefore, some friends who I thought I would feel inclined to tell I actually don't want to tell. Two of my closest friends know I'm dealing with something that I'm not ready to talk about. I want to talk to them. But I can't.

There are specific people, like these two, who I'm afraid will "run away with my story." Meaning, basically they hear what I have to say, give some sympathy, and then I don't receive any support. I can't give so much of myself up with a return.

I wouldn't be opening up unless i had heard that it's the best way to come to terms with what happened. I believe it helps and I have found many benefits in telling people. I want to tell one of my closest friends on Friday during one-on-one time because I see her often, I'm dancing around what happened to me, and I just cherish her and I want to tell her because she's a close friend. She won't give me bad advice or bad support, but I'm afraid she'll run away with it. I'll have ruined my day for nothing.

Thanks for listening :)