There isn't a sexual abuse "community" so...
Hi i'm Eddy, i'm a 22 years old guy and it seems we don't have a special thread for sexual abuse cases so I decided to share my story here with you guys. I hope I can find people that went through a similar experience so we can share tips about how to heal the wounds.
So my story goes like this:
I had to be 6-8 years old when I was sexually abused by my cousin, who is 2 years older than me. One day he convinced me to play this game that was far from being just two kids exploring with their bodies. I think he was abused too, or else how did he know so much at his age?
I became more aware of my sexuality and explore from time to time since that experience. Fast forward to when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and was given 5 years tops, I didn't know how to cope with that and began to be the kid my cousin was.
I was caught in the act and obviously things got ugly. I was so ashamed I couldn't even say I had this done to me before. I took my own decisions, so I apologized and even recently spoke with my cousin about this and he apologized to me.
12 years has passed and I still can't find the peace of mind i'm looking for, I find it difficult to connect with others since this still bugs me.
Please feel free to share your experience and also to share tips or give advice.
@ebeta
Sorry you went through those things!! I moved your post to the sexual assault area so that others may see it also :)
Hello ebeta, or Eddy should I say,
Thank you for having shared your story with us, which have been very courageous and I think one of the very important steps towards healing.
If I understood well, you have been abused at 6-8 years old by your 8-10 years old cousin whom you think he has been abused himself, then two years later you got caught "in the act" after you learnt that your dad was very ill with cancer.
To me it is really wonderful that you had the opportunity to apologize from the start and that you lately could openly speak with your cousin, I am also so glad he apologized to you. All these seem to be good things to put yourself on a healing path, do you think you could go and see a therapist who is specialized in abuses, that might help you a lot to find way(s) to find that peace of mind that you are seeking. What do you think about that idea?
When you say that you can't find the peace of mind, that you find difficult to connect with others and that it still bugs you, would you like to tell us what it exactly means, how do you feel when it "bugs" you? Is it like shame, guilty feeling, or what else? Do you find it difficult to connect with others because of these feelings or is it because you feel like different from others in some way? What would you consider as being the peace that you look for, what would it feel like?
So many questions I know, and you absolutely don't need to answer them. On the other hand, if you would like to talk more at 1-on-1 level, please feel free to send me a personal message. I am quite rarely online but I always answer the messages I receive (no more than a few days later).
I wish you to find peace and healing as soon as possible, from the deepest of my heart. Please take gentle care,
Gilles
Oh and sorry for the few English mistakes!
I hope the apology you recieved helped to put your mind at rest. It can be so complicated when abuse happens between children, after all you're not truly old enough to understand the effects of abuse or much of the time, truly what it is. Often those in that situation will say, but it was just normality, and it can lead to a cycle where children act out the same abuse with others.
Children do act out their abuse in play with toys and other children. You are not alone.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, it can take a lot to come forward and talk about it. I think it's especially brave to admit that it in turn caused you to act out in the same way. I think it's important that these stories come to light so that when a child does do that, we can truly find the reason why, instead of assuming they are a 'bad child'.
Thank you for sharing