Two years later and I'm right back where I was

I'm not quite sure how to structure this..so it's probably going to seem a bit like word vomit. But I haven't been able to speak to anyone about what happened to me or what happens inside my head so.

Almost three years ago, I was assaulted by a guy at a party. He was a mutual friend, and I was so drunk when it happened that I brushed it off and he continued to run with my group so to speak. A few weeks after the first incident, I was followed and raped while I was almost totally blacked out from being drunk. (I have two short little scenes that will play in my head. One of me saying no and rolling over to go to sleep. The other of him on top of me while I was crying and grabbing the headboard.)

I ended up pregnant from the rape, and I had my son almost two years ago. I had managed to almost ignore what had happened to me up until a few months ago when everything seemed to slam into me like a ton of bricks. It's become hard to even look at my son because all I can see is my rapist. I'm actively working on processing my emotions and my son is so loved, by me and all of my family, but it's hard. I'll cry myself to sleep some nights because I feel like an awful mother for it. But at the same time, I had to accept that I went through something traumatic, and never dealt with it. So I'm having to find ways to cope and process everything going on in my head while also being a single mother.

Sorry if it's a bit scattered and it's a wall of text but it was already hard enough to type out.