Uncertainty(kind of detailed read with caution)

I don't want to sound silly or something. Recently ive been having nightmares of being sexually assaulted. I can never really remember much other than the feeling of being violated. I dont think these dreams are memories. Really because from what I can remember the man in my dream who assulted me didnt seem familiar. But in other dreams I never see the person. I have these dreams rarely. But theyve been happening for years. Having dreams like these make me wonder. And after putting some thought into them I found My childhood is very foggy. All though I didnt have a great childhood growing up it doesn't make sense that I just couldn't remember anything. Growing up I wasn't a very touchy person. Infact I hated being touched. And for the most part I still do.but at the same time I've always been a very sexual person even as a child. *warning tmi coming up*As a small child I started masturbating. I knew What I was doing was "wrong" per say at my age. I used to use toys and stuffies to do so.I had to have been in kindergarten maybe? When I was about 9 or 10 I started watching porn. And at 10 or 11 I was I was social media anonymously chatting up older boys who had no idea how old I was and id send them pictures in my underwear. I've never told anyone that before.Often ill go through waves of strong emotion. Strong feelings of shame or guilt. For what? I dont know. Usually after sex.sometimes sex even hurts.