Vent
I've had 2 experiences with sexual assault. When I was 3 I watched my brother get sexually abused. He was only 4 at the time. I watched it for years. I didn't know it was wrong i just feel like shit. It ruined our lives and i couldve done something. When I was 10 the neighbour (my age) made me do things with him. I said no and he blackmailed me into it. I feel so ashamed and like I don't deserve love
That sounds like a lot, jottrs! I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Recently, the DSM (which is used to diagnose people) recognized that second hand trauma can cause the same symptoms as experienced trauma. So, know that the second hand trauma you experienced is valid. Additionally, the fact that you experienced it for years makes it even harder! There is something called complex Trauma which is when one experiences ongoing trauma. Learning about it may help validate your experience. Finally, little jottrs did not know any better. And that is okay. Sometimes we want to apply the knowledge we know now to past experiences but it is not realistic. It is important to be kind to our younger selves because they deserve love and to be forgiven too. Best of luck (: