didn't realise until months later. now feel guilt.

Last year, I got dumped by my ex boyfriend of a year and a half. I found out a few months later that it was indeed because he was cheating on me. (with the girl he told me not to worry about, you know how it is..)

There were several occasions during our relationship where I felt like boundaries were unclear and things happened whilst I was a bit drunk and unable to properly consent, and many other times where i was coerced into sex by him. I didnt realise at the time how awful these things were and i brushed them off because i thought i loved him so much. he was manipulative but i completely fell for his whole act.

A couple of weeks before he broke up with me, there was a particular night where I was upset because i was feeling extremely weird about how he had been acting about this particular female friend. i knew something was going on. he refused to reassure me. I cried that evening and told him i just wanted a hug. a cuddle. hold me and tell me you do still love me. he held me. then began tugging at my clothes. i told him i didnt want to, and he said 'you knew what you were doing when you wore this outfit'... it happened while i cried and repeated no. eventually i just allowed it to happen and disassociated because at this point, i was still feeling so desperate to keep him and for him to still love me, even though i could sense that i was losing him to this other girl.

confronted him the next day and he said sorry, but i didn't make a big deal out of it. i knew it was wrong but i didnt make a scene about it because i thought i still wanted him.

Months go by and i now realise i was raped.

My dilemma comes in the fact that he's with this girl now. the one he left me for. and part of me feels this horrid guilt that i didnt tell her, or anyone close to him, about what he did to me. it feels like my duty as a female, a victim, a survivor of assault in past relationships, to speak out about this. but i know that i wont be believed. i know that i'll be seen as the jealous, bitter ex. but in reality, im not upset about the cheating anymore. i dont want him anymore. i just hate the idea of another girl being allowed to be manipulated by this dangerous person.

i messaged her when i found out about the cheating, to tell her incase she didnt realise the situation. she said he told her i was an ex and she thanked me for letting her know, but they remained together.

i dont want to seem crazy or like im just trying to get involved. i hope hes treating her well. but this horrible feeling of guilt for not telling everyone the truth about him is eating away at me.. i dont want anyone else to ever fall for the same traps that i did.