possibly raped
I have talked to my own counselor about this and she says she believes me and fully supports me, but I have been searching for a support group or just people who have had similar experiences. I've been thinking about quite a few incidents between me and my ex lately and overall I just feel confused and lost. An incident happened between me and my ex, which was pretty much the reason we had broken up. I'm going to be vague about details, but we had tried something in bed and mutually decided that we didn't like it and were not going to try it again. A few days later it was new years and we were drinking and it was very late, probably 4am, and we were getting intimiate and he decided to ignore the fact that I previously said I didn't like it and try the "new thing" again. I just laid there and closed my eyes and thought to myself "try to relax. it'll be over soon. it's okay" and basically kept repeating that in my head, and he didn't notice my discomfort. Then when he stopped I bursted into tears and exclaimed how I didn't like it and he started freaking out bc he felt like he raped me. The next day we saw eachother again and I told him I didn't think he raped me. Now, I feel like I have a better understanding of rape, and that its not just a man forcing down a women and having sex with her, and I feel like it was rape. And there were many occasions that we had been drunk or it had been late and I did not want to have sex, but he continued to touch me anyways and we ended up having sex anyways. I even told him a one point I didn't like having sex when drunk, but when we were he seemingly forgot about that. And I had also expressed to him many times that I felt like he was using me for sex. I don't know, but I just feel like I was very much taken advantage of, and that I was raped but I overall am just trying to process things. Like I never initially thought of these situations as rape, but they upset me very much. I wish he knew that I thought he raped me, and I regret telling him he didn't, eventhough I know he regrets that night. I also feel uncomfortable telling any of my friends about it, and I've tried and they continue to be friends with him. I feel like if I said he raped me, they wouldn't believe me and/or continue to be friends with him. I just want to know if others have had similar experiences, or what they think of the events.
@Dixiedog
You're not 'possibly raped'. It was RAPE and you're raped. The described case clearly shows that rape is not always as literal as we imagine. Many people do not think that the act of rape can occur between partners who have a sexual relationship. Unfortunately, in our society it is popular to think that a woman in a relationship is a man's property and should always be ready for (any) sex. You can't suppress your negative feelings after what happened. Of course, it may also happen that the partner will 'come to his senses', and this will give him a reason to revise his views on sexuality in a relationship and female availability. He might understand that a woman is not an object that is to satisfy his desire, but a living, autonomous being. It is definitely worth using the therapist's help. And seriously think about the sense of such a relationship. I'm really sorry that it happened to you.
@Dixiedog
So sorry that happened to you. I'm glad he is your ex. Was it rape? Only you can deceide that. Although, it sounds like he thought is was. Drinking sure can have a way of f..ning with things, and people. You said you thought, he used you for sex, perhaps that is a part of the problem? Love and respect yourself Dixiedog, and never let anyone use you for sex again. That way, you will know for sure. Wishing you peace and healing.
@optimisticRaspberries5247 the situation was very complicated, and I don't think he was only with me because he wanted to have sex but I just felt like he did not listen to my concerns about it. Plus, he tended to be more sober than me 90% of the time. But anyways, there was many reasons that I felt made it worth staying with him and of course loving someone kind of clouds your judgement, I would never let someone just use me for sex.
@Dixiedog
Hi, I just hope you are safe and well!! Take good care
@Dixiedog ive been thinking the same for some while now. if u dont mind me asking wat did ur counsellor say? wat sort of advice did she suggest. how have u been dealing with it? ive been getting tflash backs of it when i sleep and nightmares that feel so intense i wake up crying. i was all types of abused growing up so the flashbacks imerge. i havent been able to discuss with my coucellor yet but i will soon
My counselor was very supportive, which was very helpful because I struggle with wondering if people will believe my story or show support towards me. For the most part, she just listened to what I had to say and was very empathetic. I spent the majority of the session just telling my story and expressing my feelings and she suggested that I try to find support groups and just see what other peoples stories are, and talk in them if I felt comfortable enough. If you feel comfortable enough, I would talk to your counselor about it, its hard to talk about these things with family and friends.