the uncertainty is the worst

i was on vacation with my mom, her boyfriend, and some of his family in southern maine. we were staying in a little cottage by the beach, like 12 people in a tiny house. on tuesday morning, my mom and her boyfriend had to go back home for work, but i begged her to let me stay. she let me, and i was ecstatic because that meant i got to spend more time with B, my mom's boyfriend's oldest nephew. i'd had a major crush on him for years. he was 17 and i was 16. anyway, since more space had opened up, everyone's sleeping arrangements changed. B's dad thought it would be funny to put us in the same room - a little bedroom with two twin sized beds on opposite walls. i wasn't really comfortable with that, but i didn't protest because i thought i should be excited about that prospect.

this is how every night went: we would all sit around the fire and one by one everyone went off to bed until B and i were the only ones left. as soon as all the lights were off, B would sneak into the kitchen and make himself some drinks. he would ask me to drink, too, but i always said no and he would stop. but the first night my mom was gone was different. he didn't stop pressuring. he wouldn't stop badgering me, calling me names, until i took a sip, then a few more, then allowed him to make me a drink of my own. he went inside alone and i couldn't see what he was doing, but he soon came back with another drink. i stupidly took it and started to actually drink it.

and almost everything beyond that point is gone. i don't remember anything for some number of hours. the next thing i remember is lying on B's bed in our shared room, getting sick like never before. then the next thing i remember is waking up in that same bed with different clothes on. i suspect he spiked my drink, though i have no proof and these things are also symptoms of intoxication. but the drink hardly tasted like it had any alcohol in it, and B has told me that i only had one drink, so i must be the lightest lightweight in the world or something else happened. and then there's the bed and clothes. i don't know if anything happened or was done to me, but it's very suspicious. i have asked B about that night and he just says the same thing: "you don't want to know." i hadn't really thought much about that night, since i was just super embarrassed. it wasn't until recently (five years later) than i considered other explanations than just being horribly drunk.

fast forward to next summer. it's B's high school graduation party and i am drinking. i'd had several, and i watched them all being made, and hardly felt buzzed. i lost track of time and missed the state junior operator curfew (12 or 12:30) so i had to spend the night. i slept with B in his bed. it was okay for a while, we were just talking. but then he tried to initiate things, to which i said no, and at one point he seemed to get fed up and shoved my hand down his boxers and forced me to, you know. after my brain caught up with what was happening, i yelled something like "what am i touching????" and he stopped and shushed me, probably afraid that i would wake up his parents. i turned over so my back was to him, and he continued to try to grope me. i kept telling him no. eventually he stopped and fell asleep. i stayed awake the whole night, half afraid and half embarrassed. i thought this was the exact thing i wanted and was ashamed that i wasn't enjoying it. i left right at 6, when i was legally allowed to drive again.

now i'm 21, in a respectful long-term relationship with a (different) man, but i can't really get past what happened. might have happened. i don't know. sometimes i feel like i'm making something out of nothing, like i'm not 100% sure anything happened so why do i deserve to post in a forum like this? i know for certain that some stuff happened, but it wasn't the worst. like i should feel lucky or something, as stupid as it sounds. sometimes i feel guilt and embarrassment, like i threw something away even though this guy is obviously awful. it's pathetic. like i pictured myself marrying him and stuff. sometimes i just feel like an idiot, as if i asked for this or allowed anything to happen. i know that's just pure victim-blaming, but i can't help it. i know consenting to one thing (drinking, going to bed) does not imply consent for anything else. but still, even though i'm of age, i'm afraid to drink, and to be around people drinking, even my partner. i'm just so scared to let my guard down in case anything maybe happens again.