Loss

Almost three years ago I lost my first child, I’m in college, and it was a very unhealthy relationship. The girl I was seeing pushed me away and never let me bond with the baby she was carrying. I wanted to take care of both. About two months later, she was waiting for me at the center of school, on the day of my birth day she told me she lost the baby. The doctor told her the baby had no heart beat, nothing, I never got to bond with her or my baby, I never got to go to the appointment, after she pushed me away, the only memory I have is a positive test result. After I rushed into another relationship with a girl that had been there with me, I loved and cared for her as best as I could but internally I could not deal with the trauma I had been through. Even though she knew of my loss she never addressed it or asked how it made me feel, any memory I had of the girl I was about to have a child with was rubbed in my face and told I was not over them. I just wanted to cling on to something because I had nothing, I had never experienced this type of loss. We were together for three years me and this girl and because I felt left out and put down by her It caused me to cheat on her, even though in reality we had been on and off. I was lost and still am, I know I lost a good person but I also know this good person never helped me with this trauma. I also realized I rushed in but I was yearning for love and she gave it to me and I was so scared to lose it. At the moment I am alone, suicide, loneliness, pain, sadness, anger, frustration is a constant influence in my everyday life at the moment. I have tried to battle it by working out and running but I have so much free time and I over think so much, i don’t know what to do. I need help, I need support, to anyone reading this, please help me.