Lost ex fianci
About 5 years ago I lost my ex fianci. I say ex because we were not together at the time. But since then I cannot date. I cannot get an emotional connection with anyone. I’ve destroyed my body, over drink, over eat, I’m stuck in like a state of depression thinking I could have helped him. (He died of an overdose) he was sober when he was with me and then when I broke it off due to him falling off the wagon (sever rehabs later and I thought it was best he got help for himself which is why I broke it off) he died. I just can’t seem to forgive myself and I hate the person I have become because of it. I use to be this happy smiling contagious person and now I make fun of myself I lack confidence idk. I just started medication for depression and seeking a therapist. But this was an app on that paper for free for now. Thanks for listening.
Hello, Tiger,
I'm relieved to hear that you’ve reached out for some additional support and have begun taking steps to heal and find relief. I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I lost a close family member to overdose this year, but never a partner. For you my heart.
I think it is far too easy to fall into a self blame cycle, much like the one you describe here. However, that’s why it’s paramount that you find a way to separate the person you love from the behavior they engaged in. This is not your fault, and may not even have been his. Some of us experience pain far greater than our ability to cope, and will go to great lengths to break free from that with no insight regarding the impulsivity or permanency of our decision. I often wonder if one more conversation would have helped my family member myself. Just one week earlier she was writing about never being able to live without her loved ones, and yet here we are in this situation regardless. Had you been there in a different capacity for your ex maybe the outcome would have different, or maybe it would have been the same.
I sincerely hope your therapist is of decent caliber and helps you navigate the fact that while this was no doubt traumatizing for you, and grief is palpable, the choices other make will never be your responsibility. This certainly includes those who pass away due to drug use or through their own hand in some other way. The truth is that you’re still here and deserving of all the love and joy life can bring.
It has been three days since your original post. How are you feeling now?
Take care of yourself. 💕