Bored, lonely, tired looking for life in me and you

Hi there. I've been in recovery for 2 years. I tried to get clean for 13 years, and abused substances for 30 years. I am clean now. I do what I need to do to stay clean but I am so unbelivably lonely, anxious, insecure, uncertain, fearful, unwanted.  I have generally fixed my life up now and survive comfortably but I am so tired of the intensity of the support groups that attend. Everyone talks about prison, lies, homelessness, robbing and hurting others and I just don't relate at all. We share a commonality of drug abuse but I was self sustaining in my self destruction for a long time, job car taxes groceries etc. I went through *** my whole life and i can tell people just dont believe me. I see beauty in the individual moments and I want to share it all with someone but the world has somehow gotten too toxic to speak or think without fear and programing to nullify the experience. There is no meaning or joy without intensity of life breaking me down, every day. Thoughts and feelings are exhausting and a shock to the system, anything can set me off, and it never seems to stop. I'm doing my best, one day at a time. Scared, lonely, tired and lost. Clean but not alive.