Day 1, Again.

The past couple weeks have been brutal… no this past year has been a complete ***-show honestly. After years of intense therapy through high school, to thinking I’m “fixed” in college, to now where I am slowly but dramatically spiraling. I am finally in a safe space physically and I know that now is the best time to help myself emotionally. I am going to do my best to use this as a resource to help myself.

It’s been made very clear that I have to be the one to put myself first and do what’s best for me, on my own two feet. I have a bad habit of unintentionally hurting those around me because of this unsaid hovering obligation that I need help, and they care so they try to, but it’s no one else’s burden or obligation but my own. I’m not sure what is causing this direct link of obligation those around me feel, but it ends up just hurting all of us. I have been very open about the trauma and issues I’ve faced with those closest to me and they’re very receptive and welcoming, but then I guess that leads them to feel like they have to help me, even when I didn’t ask. Which I am very appreciative of but I have had multiple, not just one or two or three, close friends of mine end their relationship with me because of this hovering obligation. It’s made me stop talking about my issues, which isn’t helping me but I can’t verbally throw-up on my friends every time I need a safe space to breathe and speak what’s on my mind without fear that there will be a relationship-breaking string of obligations that just weigh everyone down.

It just really hurts because I didn’t even realize I was unconsciously putting this stifling pressure on those around me until it was too late and they just didn’t want to be friends anymore.

I hope to make this space here into a place of solace for myself to properly comfort my mental health and continue to do better for myself, one day at a time, and without any hovering obligations.

Sending Love Always.