Friendship breakup

Hello,

I have been dealing with the breakup of a three year friendship over the last four weeks.

For background, my friend and I met each other in 2021 and became close friends quickly due to shared interests etc. In 2023, my friend moved to Japan to teach English. I had previously told my friend that I wished I had taught English in Asia and that I had previously turned down opportunities to do so due to family circumstances. When I seen my friend take the brave step to move abroad in his 20s, it made me realise that it wasn’t too late for me to do the same. I decided to apply for jobs in a multitude of Asian countries, including after hearing about the positive experience that my friend was having, in Japan. I was eventually offered a position in Japan which was due to begin in 2024 - with a different company and in a different city from my friend - and my friend had told me that he would be returning to our home country in early 2024 so he wouldn’t be there by the time I arrived. I was fine with that as while I was inspired to pursue this by his example, him being in Japan did not really factor into whether I wanted to go there or not. I was driven more by getting a change of scene from our home country, to have a new experience after six years in the same job and to get away from personal life issues, including the stress of a parent battling a chronic illness. 

Anyway, I eventually moved out to Japan in early 2024 and my friend decided to stay in Japan for 2024 after all, a decision he reached in late 2023 months after I had accepted the position in Japan. He invited me out to spend two weeks with him before I moved over to get a feel for the country as well in late 2023. 

While both being in the same country, we kept in touch by messenger daily. He also invited me up to his city to crash at his apartment and spend time with him every few weeks/months and he also came down to my city a couple of times. 

By late 2024, due to low pay, family pressure and a friend’s wedding, my friend made the decision that he would return to our home country in March 2025. He regularly expressed frustration and his lack of willingness to actually go home to me. Meanwhile, I decided to stay in Japan for 2025.

Well, my friend finally moved home four weeks ago and this is where I noticed issues. Two days after he moved home, I mentioned that I had been on a date that hadn’t gone very well and he immediately became passive aggressive: “Don’t worry about it, you’re the main man in Japan, the main shagger. You’ll get a new girl next week anyway. You win at Japan despite following me there. Congratulations”. I was taken aback by this and didn’t really know how to respond. I had slightly better luck than him at dating while we were both in Japan but not significantly and I never once boasted about it or tried to rub it in his face. I also supported him and provided encouragement when he was trying to date too. 

A few days passed where he would either leave my messages on read or give one word replies. So, I eventually asked him if he was avoiding me because I had done something to annoy him. He immediately replied saying “I’m avoiding you because you following me to Japan *** me off. You win at Japan and you’re still out there. Congratulations”. I was really upset by this attitude and we had an argument where I said some things in the heat of the moment which I immediately regretted but I still feel like I was provoked into this argument by his attitude. 

Three days after the argument, I sent him an apology, saying what I had said was completely out of order, it wasn’t my intention to follow him to Japan in any way and that I never once viewed us both being there as some sort of competition. He read the apology message right away but ignored it and that was 20 days ago. 

I have spoken to family, friends and counselors who all seem to think that he is projecting his insecurities and jealousy about no longer being in Japan onto me. They think the timing of the accusation that I followed him to Japan coming after he had just moved home is telling. They also think this idea that I “won” at Japan suggests jealousy and the fact he said “you’re still out there” is a sign that he is envious of the fact I’m still in Japan and he’s back home. 

What do you think? Is this a sign that he’s dealing with his own issues about moving back home rather than about me? 

Thank you for taking the time to read.