Hello To All !

I'm new to your website and forums. I have visited other online mental health support groups before. I am someone who has bipolar. I've had an extremely harsh life based on the very poor choices I've made. I finally have the right therapist and psychiatrist as well as other supportive peer counselors helping to guide me on my life journey! I've been on disability a very long time. I've only recently started working the last few years to pay my bills. I live alone in Section 8 housing. I have no family of my own! I just describe myself as having an analog mind living in a digital world! I belong to a western New York independent film group. I'm listed on imdb.com as an extra in two short independent films. A psychiatrist has sanctioned my creative writing as my therapy including writing a professional Hollywood screenplay! I should be happy as a "pig and slop" because I'm fulfilling all of my childhood dreams! All my life I've had this feeling ,young people label it F.O.M.A ( Fear Of Missing Out) that there was something out there that I was missing out on! In my mind I picture a grand feast filled of gourmet dishes on a very long table with people gorging themselves! A grandiose extravaganza that I was never invited to! My other feeling is standing outside a locked candy store on a cold winter evening as my mouth salivates at the sight of all of those delicious exotic chocolates! My fingers tapping on the window panes and then grasping hopelessly at the locked door knob! All my life I've had wild ideas without any solid foundation! Turning my life into Hollywood movie seems to be the only idea that's plausible! I've been told that ,"Anyone who can turn their life into a children's story is blessed by God himself!" I believe I'm the only person in the world that could truly feel alone in a crowded room of people! I've always felt that I was too late or not smart enough or just not in the right place at the right time!

I'm obviously the product of a very dysfunctional family yet ruminating over past sins can only get you so far!

I'm extremely fortunate to live in the 21st century with all these remarkable toys! Imagine if any of the great writers of history had access to Google; Plato, Socrates, Shakespeare, Steinbeck, Jack Kerouac? I have the equivalent of 100's of lost libraries of Alexandria at my fingertips yet I'm still at starting point!

I asked all of you emphatically what is it that's just beyond my reach ,right in front of my nose that I'm not seeing? What is it that I should be doing that would fix my life that I'm overlooking?

Like Diogenes who forever carrys a lantern looking for an honest man ,what is it that I'm looking for? What am I seeking? Do any of you know? I would be forever in your debt if you have that answer!