Hello :)

Day one: I was born, lol. I know right, crazy to even think about. But i was born to two people who I have never even seen in the same room. Whose whole existence in my life was a mere tragedy. Two people who i have always wanted to know, yet the memories I have of them are so fragmented and dark it makes me dissociate. The abuse my twin and I suffered was unimaginable, and of course if your on this app too you've also dealt with some pretty dark things in your life. Or if your like my husband turned to anything to keep the darkness at bay, and yes, I mean anything. But my abandonment issues and lack of structure the first 6 years of my life have led to this beautiful brokeness I call me 🙃. Hi! I'm 30 years old, i have two beautiful children and a husband of almost 5 years. This tragically woven story of love has been my strength and my suffering all at the same time. Right now, my husband is in detox for a month. He drinks often, is never angry or rude, he just does it to escape. My whole life i've wanted to escape. Escape my past, escape my guardians, escape responsibility, then I met this jaw dropping man whose words are like honey. Sweet, soothing, enticing. I fell in love, and as any crazy person in love you get pregnant. And then go oh crap and then one person decides a ring will suffice because this beautiful bundle on the way will be your saving grace. Little do you know, that bundle does save one of you and the other spirals into darkness. If you haven't already guessed by now who spiraled into the abyss it was my husband. But, here is the catcher... that man i loved so deeply, and still do as a matter of fact was broken more by me. By my abandonment issues, by ny own darkness that I let seep into the cracks of out marriage and poison my own thoughts amd actions. It was subtle at first. I disregarded his advice about the baby, because my feelings meant more than facts. I couldn't stand when the baby cried, even for a moment, it freaked me out to the point of seeing red. I held the baby day after day, night after night, for 6 months. Each day I slipped further into ppd and each day I stopped listening to my husband more and more. He slept on the couch since night 1 of bringing the baby home because he couldn't bothered to be woken by the crying of hunger from this little child. I was livid, seething, abandoned yet again... this time in the most vulnerable place I have ever been in. Any time things got hard I ran, this time I couldn't run. First off i'd probably pee all over myself (yay childbirth and all it's glory) and above all other things this helpless child became my chain. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever looked at, I loved him and I hated him. I hated myself for hating him. I hated my parents for leaving me. I hated my husband for doing the same. That baby became my sense of security. That baby boy became my comfort. My stress. My world. And I pushed my husband aside. I never should have done that. I am the one who broke my husband. Clothes scattered on yhe floor started ticking me off. Why was the basket so hard to put clothes in. I became petty. I only washed what was in the basket. If he needed pants for work that was his problem. How could I do anything if I was too busy trying to make sure my son didnt feel left and abandoned like me. Then we moved, I was in charge of packing everything because I felt he was incompetent of packing properly. Thats where I really went wrong. I started seeing him as unable to do basic things because he was helpless and useless. And therefore not worth my time. Boy, way I wrong. This further strained our relationship. I started seeing how he was pushing me away and not even looking at myself. All he did was love me, make a few mistakes that I felt were unforgivable. The last thing I ever wanted was to marry someone like my parents. Someone who would just leave or abuse. I became the abuser. Not physically, but I no longer cheered him on. I withheld compliments, affirmations, and praises. He is definitely worthy of them. I broke my husband and I am ashamed. I am doing what I can to make amends. To fix this. To stop viewing him as someone who is worthless, he is NOT worthless, he has never been worthless. I am the problem. I pushed him to escaping because I couldn't handle someone actually loving me and wanting to stay by my side through thick and thin. I couldn't see what was beneficial to him in each moment because he has stresses too. He doesn't deserve someone who can't see the beauty that is him. Now 2 kids in and a third in heaven, we have approached this crossroads of if this is what love is, I don't want it, but also, no one has seen this much of me and decided to stay. Decided to fight, decided that despite the monsters we have become we will find a way love through it. Grow through it. And fall in love the way we did in the begining. Because this life, and all it's brokenness is worth fighting for. (Tbh I think I forgot what I was writing about and just kept going to wherever I wanted so hopefully it makes sense. ) brokenwing03 signing off <3