I Dont know what to do

Iam 22 years old. I am an only child, so since my childhood, I have always longed for good relationships. I am not very socialized and didn’t have any good friends until my undergraduate years. By the time I finished my graduation, I had filtered my friends. Out of nine people, I found five who were well-wishers. Out of these five, one asks for money all the time. I don’t know if they became friends to get money or not; it's a question I still have today. The other four members take pity on me and console me if something happens. I know they’ll last long, but they have their selfish reasons, which I don’t know. I can’t rely on them.

As for my parents, they really don’t care about me. I always stay with my grandmother or at the hostel. Even if I go to my house, my parents go to their respective works. Before they come home, they expect me to complete all the chores. They are strict and want me to get a job and marry off as soon as possible. Since I am not very smart, I can’t get a job that easily. I study every day, but I can’t memorize the material.

In the past, I was always crying and getting sensitive over everything. I was kind to people, and if I hurt someone, I would feel guilty until I apologized and resolved the issue. I couldn’t be happy.

After a breakup, I thought I had changed. At first, I was like a rock—unable to feel pity for others, even if they were really in pain. I thought I had become strong, but eventually, I realized I am weak.

I broke up with my ex because my parents would not agree to a love marriage. I thought I didn’t want to hurt my ex and my parents, so I ended the relationship. My ex couldn’t accept it and told my parents about our relationship. Since that day, my life has been upside down; everything changed. (Even here, I did it so my ex wouldn’t be hurt if I ended the relationship early. They could move on eventually without getting too deep, and I did it for my parents so they would stay happy. If I married my ex, my parents might have harmed themselves or my father might have left home. I did it for everyone; I really loved my ex. My ex cared for me when I needed it.)

I feel dumb. I know I am dumb and can’t help it; it’s who I am. I can’t become what people ask me to be. I am trying; I am really trying, but I can’t. It’s too much.

I can’t handle anything. I thought I was strong, but deep down, it’s just an illusion. Nothing has changed.

I thought I had changed, but nothing has changed in me. I am the same person who is dumb and unremarkable.

Everyone says if I can’t handle my home, I can’t handle anything. I don’t want to handle anything; I just want peace. I don’t want anyone. No one cares. I can’t live like this anymore; it’s too much.

Nothing has changed in me. I have just learned that people are fake, and I have no one who truly loves me for who I am. Everyone gives up on me, every single person, even the one whom I loved unconditionally.

Everyone wants me to change. I am trying, but I can’t change; it’s the way I am.

I can’t even tell if my own mother likes me or not. Sometimes she shows affection, and then I start to share something with her, and she takes that topic and judges me. Sometimes she shows so much hatred that I can’t tolerate it, and it makes me feel like I don’t want to live anymore.