I need to come to terms & accept my faults but I am struggling.

I need to talk to someone. My relationship is controversial which has caused me many conflicting emotions & other complications for over a year now. My partner is incarcerated and I met him while I was working in the facility then I resigned to pursue the relationship.

It has been going on for about a year. But I’ve only been separated from my employment there for about 6 months now. I knew it was wrong & professionally unethical & that I should have resigned right away. I was so scared because I knew the stigma & I knew my life would completely change & I would lose a lot to gain the connection I really wanted to pursue. The losing people & social exile from the entire community has been rough but I like my solitude to some extent & when I am alone & isolated is when I feel most comfortable these days. People bully, harass & criticize me frequently still even the people who have stayed in my life but I struggle most with my own self criticism of what I should have done differently & because I feel all this guilt my partner interprets it as I am ashamed of him or the relationship but really it’s that I’m ashamed of myself. I thought I knew things about loyalty, honor & integrity… but now I don’t know if I do at all. I am so happy with him but I don’t know how to stop hating myself. I don’t know what to do & I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel. I don’t want him to feel like I am ashamed of us. I already initiated/blurred the lines in the first place & was unfair to him by being a coward & staying to work there for 6 months after I crossed boundaries out of selfishness & fear of how my life would change. I owe it to him to be able to get over how I feel so negatively about myself… I truly care for this person & now I love him. I would sit to play cribbage with him about once a month sometimes more sometimes less for the duration of about a year & got to know him. As time went on I had many conflicting emotions & had a hard time navigating them due to feeling confused of what I was even feeling… but I crossed the line first voicing that it was more… but then just played cat & mouse for the next 6 months even though I told him I wanted to be with him… ultimately I wanted to be with him despite knowing it would uproot my life. I left my stable job & now because I was ethically unprofessional I no longer want to pursue a career in that field anymore so I feel lost in that aspect too. I am not sure what I want to do now… just working filler jobs. My family works in corrections & disagrees with the relationship & are constantly trying to disregard ‪‭it as if it is not real & tell me about single men they want me to pursue instead & sever my contact with my partner. I lost several friends. Ex coworkers bully me. People are judgmental of this relationship which I know some people will judge no matter what but the scrutiny is too intense for me here when I am trying to heal from all this too.. I feel lost in my life because of this relationship not being accepted as he is not able to be with me… which makes me feel alone sometimes… it makes it hard to not have that support. I tend to isolate a lot now it makes me feel safer to try & work out my own emotions following all this. He financially doesn’t have much money so I am the breadwinner by a long shot & I now have less income than I once had. I am stressed with trying to find time to communicate when we can’t see each other in person.‬‬ He has been so good with communication.. trying to keep spirits up & focuses on me a lot. He writes me letters multiple times a week updating me on everything & asking about me when we are unable to talk on the phone as the facility sometimes cuts off our calls due to our relationship being “unhealthy” even though I am not an employee anymore. He sends me gifts when he can & many things he spends time on such as beading projects or artwork. He gave me his banking information & offers me the money he does have even though he has so little to try to help me not stress about making a little less now. We have a lot of trust in our relationship with each other due to transparency between us which I value after not having that in past relationships. I feel like I wish I no longer lived in the community I live in as everyone seems to have a negative opinion that I not only pursued this relationship but that I continue to despite the scrutiny… I did not have any ill intent when I began this relationship… I was so confused because I didn’t understand what I was feeling for a while… People once close to me & even acquaintances who hear about it from gossip look down on my professional ethics or morals. I don’t disagree that it started the wrong way & it was a boundary crossing but I did feel guilty about that & resigned to try & make it right & also am not pursuing another career in that field. I know that doesn’t fix it… I feel lost because I feel so connected to him but so disconnected from everything else. Im so happy but also sad. I lost close friends and many other people because of the non acceptance. I did have family stick by me even though they frequently voice their disapproval of continuing the relationship & act as if it is not a real relationship. My two closest friends live out of state. The friends I have who live near me who stayed in my life try to be supportive but I can tell they don’t know what to say. I feel I caused him to be treated unfairly in the facility as well as staff feel deceived by me & or him. They let their personal feelings affect their job by voicing opinions about me or telling him things to put a wedge in our relationship but that makes me feel resentful sometimes because I feel it is professionally unethical to talk to him about me in a way of telling him half truths or things they think will upset him that they know about me from being my coworkers at one time. It upsets me that the ones continuously bashing me for being professionally unethical are also being professionally unethical in a different way. I feel that sometimes it is a form of retaliation for what I did when they cut off our phone occasionally & only allow us to send mail but also I feel like I do deserve it because I was unethical. I did not want to make his life more difficult & feel guilty as the staff are always going to have their personal feelings towards me because of this despite the fact it was purely an emotional connection & not deemed criminal as no sexual boundaries were crossed & no contraband was brought into the facility & as long as he is connected to me & incarcerated in that facility there will be tension. I feel a mistrust of the community here & don’t know where to go to be able to talk openly about my feelings. I have searched for an outlet to try to work out my feelings about my emotions but can’t find any. I did find an incarcerated loved ones page for girlfriends/wives/husbands/boyfriends of individuals who are incarcerated. When I posted a brief summary of our story about 80% of the comments were saying how I abused my power & took advantage of someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. Others pointed out how it’s people like me who they have to be worried about stealing their loved ones by preying on them. How I should have been criminally charged. That is the closest community that resembled my situation I could find & 80% of the community hated me & thought I was atrocious. The other 20% had empathy but did not have the same situation as me. I am really seeking advice on how to make life easier. I struggle with bipolar disorder as well & the stress of all the outside factors are not helping my mental health. I want to find some sort of peace as I know the strong opinions in this area are not going to change. So either I have to accept that & learn how to live with being a villain but still navigate life as normally as possible or give in to everyone’s disapproval & ignore & set aside our happiness & connection. I am not willing to give up on our relationship so I am trying to connect with someone who went through this. I know there are people out there… but I wonder if there is too much stigma around it that no one speaks openly about it I don’t disagree with the fact I was professionally unethical.. I felt guilt as the lines began to blur & continue to feel shameful even now not because I ever had to lie directly to anyone to conceal what was going on but for any deception I had part in by keeping things to myself & not resigning right away. I wished we could have met another way every day. I am sorry for how I betrayed my coworkers but I’m not sorry or ashamed of our relationship. But to the staff who feel I betrayed them itcomes off as I have no humility or shame about the situation at all. One of my close friends who was also a coworker has said terrible things to me several times & stated I chose him over her before cutting me off completely. I didn’t see it that way. I left because I finally got the courage & knew it was wrong to stay when I was having the feelings I was having. My partner feels a type of way that I have isolated myself due to mistrust of people & have been enjoying solitude. He encourages me to go participate in activities but I have no interest in being around anyone as I feel uncomfortable. So I feel bad that he feels guilty that my whole social life has changed because ultimately it was my decision to cross the boundary & then to leave & pursue this. I knew what everyone would think & what would probably happen. I knew I would lose people I heard what the staff would say about people who fall in love with inmates. I wish he wouldn’t feel that way but I feel like he might miss the old me… I am content being alone but I think he liked the bubbly me better which is why he encourages ‪‭it frequently plus the guilt he expresses for how my life has changed‬‬. I feel like because of this I lost a sense of who I was or am. I know how I feel about my relationship but everything else feels blurred. I have conflicting emotions about myself partially thinking I’m an evil monster & partially thinking I tried to do the right thing even if I took too long to do it & let the blurred lines turn into so much more. I am having an identity crisis as I no longer enjoy hobbies as strongly as I once did or have much enjoyment in any social activities. I don’t feel like I belong.. & I don’t have an outlet to talk about how I really feel about myself. I can handle most judgements as I have thought plenty of harsh things about myself & still do… but I am longing to find someone to talk to but I trust no one… I would like to hear someone who can put bluntly the hardships of this type of scrutiny of the relationship & also the hardships faced purely because we are physically separated by his incarceration. I want to be more prepared & become mentally stronger. I am an emotionally sensitive person & feel I have hardened some but I want to harden more & be able to let go of all my guilt. Not forget it just let go & come to peace with being the communities villain. Any advice on what I can do to harden myself emotionally to the situation regarding outside people would be so helpful… Yet I want to remain soft emotionally for him because that’s who I am… but I need to get thicker skin & stop thinking so negatively of myself for how I handled things professionally if I want our relationship to remain strong & I need to stop caring about other peoples opinions of me or the relationship. I want to be strong for us because he has to face the people who hate us & feel betrayed the most everyday since I left & has been so strong for us & does not let it affect us but I have been struggling the entire 6 months since I left. I am truly committed to this so I need to figure it out. I am scared that I will not feel comfortable around anyone until I move away where I know no one… I distrust everyone around here because of the harassment & bullying & gossip. Then even the people who stuck by me still disapprove & say hurtful things. This scares me because I I tried to move away  several times in my life but never follow through because I get home sick in a sense & feel I need to stay near my hometown. Throughout the years I have had plans to move to 4 different states but couldn’t go through with it any of the times. I even have trouble on vacations lasting longer than a week & start to get severe anxiety this has been a fear I have had since I was a child. I don’t know how I will be able to face so many fears at once. I would have to sell my house & find somewhere else where I know no one. I would have to start all over while being less financially stable & not knowing what I want to pursue as a career long term anymore. I would be farther away from him too since the facility is only 40 minutes away from where I currently live.. & then when our visiting is approved next year I would not be this close so who knows how often I would be able to visit… I am open to trying whatever would potentially help us thrive even if we only have each other to truly trust but I am afraid. Would it be easier & more beneficial to move away or to figure out how to thrive in my social exile? I have been thinking about it.. a large part of me thinks moving at LEAST 5-6 hours away where I know no one is the only way I'm going to fully get over letting my negative feelings I've had about myself or how I handled things go. I can't change anything so I need to get over my self criticism. It's really not criticism or harsh judgements from other people that bother me so much it's the fact that when it gets brought up by someone else I think of every conflicting emotion or feeling I had myself throughout the course of it all & feeling evil because I really did.. I thought ‪‭about how unfair I was being to everyone. Especially to him. Moving away from everything I know would just be really starting over... I am willing to look into doing that & trying it again despite my fears if it is what will help me come to peace with my own negative perceptions of myself…‬‬ How can I stop hating myself for how I handled things? I can’t change it… & ultimately he makes me so happy… so why can’t I stop? He thinks because I feel guilty I am ashamed of us or him. I really am not. I’m ashamed of me. I made decisions & crossed boundaries I never thought I would… for love. I felt guilty but I felt so strongly I couldn’t ignore it. I really didn’t want to break rules & I had no intention of putting any staff in a bad place or any ill intent towards anyone.. Someone told me they don’t agree with my choices but I have displayed integrity during this situation & he has told me that too. Thats not how I feel about myself. I feel like I have no integrity at all for breaking policy & not quitting the very day I crossed the line. It’s not an excuse but I was scared because I knew what would happen & I knew my whole life was going to completely change… I also knew I would be socially exiled & criticized but what I felt worse about was that I was the one who crossed the boundary first not him & I was supposed to be the professional & after I did that I stayed working there instead of resigning right away to pursue him.‬‬ I feel badly that I blurred the lines & then made him my secret for months at all before resigning just because I was a coward & fearful of what was going to happen. That was incredibly unfair to him & even more professionally unethical. I felt I had integrity , loyalty & honor before… & now I feel like I don’t know if I know anything about those things. I hate that he feels that I’m ashamed of him or us when I’m actually just ashamed of me. To any friend , family member or former coworker I respected I have told them how sorry I was & how I know it started in the wrong way & how I wanted to resign to make things somewhat right. Then tell them I know that my professional ethics were non existent during that time. I have no problem owning that… it’s the truth. I always say that I never wanted to harm anyone or put anyone in danger or in a bad place due to my actions. They don’t accept this but that is not what cripples me… it’s my own self criticism & shame that is debilitating… I have told him this as well directly & he assures me I might have been a little late but I still did the right thing. I feel evil about every thought I had about him before I resigned. I knew it was wrong but I can’t explain the connection I felt with him & it has only grown stronger. I wanted to be happy I was just afraid… there was so many factors. How do I not hate myself for being too much of a coward to leave for him right away when I was the one who initiated this?‬‬ It will be years until he is released. So I don’t know what to do. I know I need to let go of my self criticisms… but it’s so hard to do when EVERYONE even the ones who stayed in my life think I should either just “be his pen pal not his girlfriend” because what I did was bad or sever ties completely. I feel so evil & I was already having the inner conflict from the very day I blurred the lines. But I need to find a way to come to peace with myself. He has been strong for us & he’s the one who has to face the people who hate us the most every day since he has no choice… he deserves for me to be able to accept this… not forget it but accept it & get rid of my guilt. We just connect… I have never felt so complete with a person. It sounds crazy I don’t know how to explain it. We have been completely transparent with each other… I have been clear with the people in my life about my relationship & tried to set boundaries about trying to bully me to end my relationship but nobody respects it as a real relationship or respects the boundaries I set. Like I said I am scared that I will not feel comfortable around anyone until I move away & get away from the constant criticism & social exile I experience here.. so I am not constantly reminded of my own negative feelings about me… I can’t get past it if it is all I hear from everyone else too. I distrust everyone around here because of the harassment & bullying & gossip but how can I move away… I can’t even do vacations longer than a week or I start to get severe anxiety & panic. I want to leave & start over in a new place. Not hide my relationship by any means but remove myself from the negativity that is so intense in this area so I can heal myself. I know I will experience judgement anywhere I go but I do understand that some people feel very betrayed & I do empathize with that & understand some of the feelings… I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I knew it would. The furthest I’ve ever moved from where I grew up is about 45 minutes away from my childhood home.. so I don’t know if I would be able to thrive if I had the severe anxiety I get & also had no support people physically present in my life… I struggle with not knowing whether I really hate myself or if all the conflict & guilt I already felt got amplified because of everyone hating me… I felt evil but also felt like my intentions & feelings that led my actions were pure. So why do I have this much self hate? I thought it would go away or at least lessen but it’s been six months since I resigned & I still feel ashamed of me. He thinks I did have integrity because no one found out & i decided to resign not because I had to but because I knew it wasn’t right. But I feel like I still initially did not do the right thing… I wish I felt the way he feels about me. I want to leave because I can own what I did & have to anyone who has asked me but I don’t feel like I can thrive or ever be social or trusting of anyone fully again if I feel like I’m going to be punished by the surrounding community every day because of this. I just don’t know if I’m going to actually be able to move eventually if that’s what would be best… I don’t know how to get over that fear.. I’ve had it since I was a child. I have wanted to move away several times & after being completely set to start my new life I crumble & have to come back. I don’t know what it is… I just feel like it’s the unknown or not having the familiar setting puts me at unease. I know for my own mental health I either need to completely harden myself to everyone hating me & accept being isolated until he gets out & learn to forgive myself or move & heal & forgive myself. So I need to harden or get over my worst fear but how do I do either of those things? They seem impossible. How can I heal from my own negative feelings on my professional ethics & guilt for knowing the right thing to do but being too cowardly to do it when the scrutiny I get from various people in the community tell me how I am sick or need help, that I lied & manipulated people to conceal my unethical emotional relationship or say I don’t care about anyone because if I did I would stop… & so many other harsh criticisms. It’s horrible & it makes me feel like I can’t let go of my own self hate for how I handled things when these people aren’t wrong I was professionally unethical… I sometimes feel like I deserve the harassment, bullying or disgust towards me. I somewhat believe in karma… But do I deserve that daily? & the negativity from various people is not going to stop at least in this community or the surrounding communities in the area. I am looking for advice to start healing my resentment I have of myself & work from there. Thank you for reading.