new to 7cups (potential trigger warning for abuse/SA/drugs mention)

new here- my first post was too long and too angsty so did not actually post it. 

i suffer from substance abuse and clinically diagnosed bipolar type II; i believe im on the autism spectrum, and my mother believed i was as a child though ive never been evaluated. feelings and knowing my feelings are often very difficult for me. im a woman who started dating a girl who was older in high school when i was 12 who repeatedly abused me, assaulted me while i slept, and cheated on me. once i finally went no contact with her at 17 i repressed my "gay thoughts" (lol) and began dating men. i met a guy immediately who i thought i fell in love with because he became my best friend and then we dated when i turned 18 (im 21 now, hes going to be 22 soon). he proposed to me for my 20th birthday and hes currently living with me and my parents. last night i got drunk (been getting drunk and high often to avoid gay thoughts) and opened up about the struggles ive been having for months- i told him "i think im a lesbian" bc he asked me why i dont want physical intimacy anymore. 

so. im a repressed possibly lesbian with self internalized homophobia amongst a slew of other things who sleeps in a bed with her ex-boyfriend now, apparently. anyone else stupid like me?