vent

idek how to start this honestly, i just want to vent more than anything. i was diagnosed bipolar 2 after going to the hospital for SI almost 3 years ago and my life has improved dramatically ever since. not that it was really horrible before, but i had been struggling emotionally my entire life with attempts, hospital visits, drug usage, etc. i ended up on lamictal and geodon, was on the max dose of both until last year i got put on lithium and it has helped more than anything, i think.

but this year has been an especially painful year for me. not to give too many details publicly, but my long term ex that i lived with moved out along with my animals at the beginning of the year. this was really hard on me, as admittedly i have codependency issues especially with him, and our relationship was the reason i even went to the hospital a few years ago to begin with. i struggled a lot, but not as much as previously without my meds which i am very thankful for. we kept in contact almost every day until a couple of months ago when he decided to go no contact with me for seemingly no reason, but probably for the better.

on my old meds, i was having frequent hypomanic episodes, probably once every other month. since ive been on lithium, i havent had any mania or hypomanic episodes (which were my biggest struggle) until we went no contact about 2 months ago. since then, i have been in a mixed hypomanic / depressive episode with seemingly no stability in the last 2 months. ive been terrible about taking my meds, admittedly, i havent gotten my blood tested so i cant even increase my meds until i do, but ive had so many things other than the no contact going on in my life i havent had time or energy to go and do it. i have been binge drinking and coming very close to sh sometimes.

when my episode was first starting, my close friends noticed immediately, though there wasnt much they could do to help. as the hypomania fades i think its finally over and i can be sad in peace, a few days later im back up again. but recently it seems like nobody thinks im struggling anymore, and when i try to reach out for support im told that i need to help myself and nobody can fix me. i know this, that is why i go to therapy every week and see my psychiatrist frequently, but am i not deserving of support? it seems like my whole support system is annoyed by me, which is understandable, but i dont know what else to do. im trying to do everything i can, but i just get yelled at for not taking my meds. its not like i dont want to take them, but when my alarm goes off it almost triggers me and makes me irritated instantly that i have another chore on my list to do, so i snooze the alarm until eventually it turns off by itself. i know that only i can take my meds, and im not asking them to force me to take them or make sure that i do, but it feels really bad when everyone says they want to support me but when i need support, they just lecture me and tell me everything im doing wrong. i have been doing a lot of impulsive things, and strangers that i rarely speak to online have asked me if im okay because of my shift in posting, lifestyle changes, etc. but none of my close friends/support have mentioned anything like that to me.

my psychiatrist and therapist also dont seem overly concerned about me, which worries me because i feel like im at one of the lowest points of my life, and in a cycle that i cant seem to escape from. it makes me worry all over again that everything im doing is fake and that i dont actually have bipolar, because if i did, why are they not more concerned for my well being? maybe im just not very good at explaining myself, i can mask my feelings easily so maybe its just that, but i cant help but think all of this is fake.

i honestly dont know what the point of posting this is, i just needed somewhere i could say this to. im not really asking for advice, or even support i guess, i just need to talk, even if nobody sees or reads this.

sorry this is so long.

TLDR; i genuinely have an amazing life and career and have done a lot for myself, i dont understand why nobody takes me seriously.