New user here, I really need help and support after recent family trauma. I am struggling to function.

The first "listener" left the chat as soon as I said what happened, but I won't let that dampen my hope. So maybe if I make a post someone will feel like replying.

26yo F here.

My birth mother just killed herself on my birthday in August. OD. There was no funeral nor memorial service; I didn't even get to see her body because I was out of town.

Then, a month later, my adoptive father snapped and tried to kick in my door and attack me and my partner. He is over 6ft tall and an ex body builder so he was easily kicking in the door... I was terrified and frozen; my partner showed him that we had a weapon, and that was the only thing that stopped him from whatever he was going to do. I truly felt that my life was in danger. My adoptive mother (bio grandmother) convinced us not to call the cops that night. A week or two later he was admitted into a mental facility; I didn't know he was on anti-psychotics and had stopped taking them.

So this whole thing has a lot of layers. I wasn't nice to my birth mother after I grew up watching her abandon me and destroy her own life as she pretended I didn't exist... I wasn't allowed to tell anyone she was my mother and it was a taboo subject in my family. She was always in/out of jail. When I was 15 she had another daughter who grew up calling her mom, with me just watching on the sidelines. So, a lot of long term trauma here that I was never able to express or actualize.

I'm at the point where I'm seeing that my birth mother was a person with a whole personality, that I'll never get to know better. Had I been in her position, I can't say I'd have done any differently. I know now that she had a painful childhood and carried all this pain with her. I'm not justifying her actions, but trying to forgive and let go.

The day after the event with my father I was so dissociated that I was a hazard at my job... I work a manual labor job so this was a really bad thing to be fading out of awareness while moving heavy things. I had no desire to eat. I began having trouble sleeping; I'd lay in bed and my heart would start beating out of my chest, faster and faster, bordering full on panic attacks. The thought of seeing my father filled me with terror. This is still true today.

The other day I started going through my dead mother's room, I wanted to be alone and I was taking it all in. All of a sudden my father walks in and started cornering me to hug me; I felt pure terror and said "I don't want to talk to you." He said okay and walked out. I'd felt defenseless and it also feels so horrible that I feel the urge to carry a weapon in case he snaps again.

Only a few days after the sleep problems got bad, I went off to school (really good yay happy) for a class to help me further my solo career. Now that I'm back two weeks later, trauma patterns are coming back and it was really hard to do anything today. I woke up and apologized in spirit to my birth mother, which I feel is a good step... It took me hours to make myself shower... I was so lethargic I barely moved all day. I am eating now but have very little apatite.

Mind you, we live in a separate house but on the same property that my adoptive parents live; the same property where my birth mother died. I feel too much to go outside and I'm scared of even seeing my father. I want to live somewhere else but we are not in a financial position yet to leave...

In the past I do pretty well with eating healthy, exercise, and regulating my own mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I had been very appreciative of nature and all that I am given, though I feel very disconnected from myself these days. This is too much and I'm not doing well on my own. I feel broken. I need support