Chest feels empty/first post

Hello all,

As title tells, I have been experiencing an empty sinking feeling in my chest for about 2 years now and don't really know how to handle it. It started when my mom was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, being told that I was required to count the days I had left with her. Then, after 3 months, my father was diagnosed with cancer, being told it was still early there was a chance that he could make it. My focus was on my mom mostly as I wanted every second that I could get before the inevitable. After a few months she was told that her numbers were finally making progress and it seemed as though her body was finally fighting back. Upon receiving this news, I went to visit them after being away for a week. When I came back, I noticed that my father seemed to have lost 30+ pounds in that short span of time, and that the chemo was not taking well. This brought that empty feeling back to the surface. A month later, he was in the hospital losing his voice and mental state, and a day or two later he was placed on hospice. Hearing the news that this meant there was no point of return and my time with him was less than a week, that empty feeling was amplified. I lost him before I could get that last beer I promised him, which has weighed heavily on me since then. This being my first big loss I hoped to confide or get guidance from my wife, as she experienced a similar issue before I met her. Finding none of what I was searching for in her, almost being laughed at in the moment of begging for help, this empty feeling has become permanent so it seems. I now feel as though I have nobody to talk to as the shunning I received hurt in ways I never felt before. I have since found some peace in reading outlandish books that some would laugh at or not understand, but this feeling has yet to decline. I tried talking with a therapist back before this all happened but my experience was unattractive, we talked maybe 3 times and setup an appointment for a fourth, only to get no answer and the appointment was cancelled by her. I found this platform by means of talking to my neighbor who suggested it, so I'm not sure what will come of writing this as it took me about 2 months to finally reach out for any sort of something.