Greetings Fellow Humans

Hello.

I'm in my 30s and I live in the USA. I like science and computers, and Asian music (Chinese/Japanese/Korean/Thai/Indian) a lot but also a lot of music worldwide. I'm a vegetarian, but if I met you IRL, I would avoid revealing it because it's an easy way to become hated.

I'm not sure exactly why I came here. Perhaps I came here to be heard. Maybe I thought someone could offer me some advice I wouldn't find impractical or foolish.

My main issue is that I primarily consider everyone I haven't known for a very long time to be a threat. I think that physical and mental abuse as a child and terrible experiences with women who have always cheated have contributed. I was also subjected to a great deal of government BS when I attended public school such as being forced to attend detention because I fought back after someone punched me in the face without provocation, and attending detention because I wanted to stay inside and study during lunch hour rather than be forced into social situations with people I didn't like. That's not all but I'll leave it at that. I tend to regard authority figures as idiots and I'm usually right, but not always.

While I'm a star at my job, earning many, many awards for stellar performance, and was recently contacted by the director of operations at my company who said she would really like to meet me because I have made my employer look very good for clients so many times. I secretly regard the meeting as pointless, but I do a good job wearing my hero costume at work.

Off of work, I tend to avoid people as much as possible, and tend to think people's #1 intent is to extract something from me and abuse me in some way. This is especially true of women, who I have much suspicion for. I believe unshakably that my grandmother was a solidly Christian woman who never cheated. However, I know that my mother did, and every woman I've ever been with did. But I don't, and never have. Hypothetically, I think it's possible that there might exist women around my age who don't and have never cheated, but I highly doubt it. I think if they say they haven't that they're lying, though I don't reveal this to them.

Otherwise I'm quite sure no woman would want me anyway, because I can't afford rent around here and I live with family members. I do have a plan to eventually get my own place through extreme studying for certificates that I've been working on for the past couple of years. My progress has been slow due to my 50 hour per week work schedule and over 1,200 miles of driving per month back and forth to work through a busy metro that's in the top 10 of worst traffic cities in the USA. It leaves me exhausted, and if I can eke out one of the weekend days studying for 5 hours or more, I consider that a victory. However, it seems like I'll never be done, and it reduces my happiness. I believe women are primarily looking for someone who will share their wealth with them, and I don't have any. I also don't want to share anything I might have in the future with a cheater, and I'm pretty sure most women cheat and maybe there's a tiny fraction who don't, and I won't be meeting them, because I'm not rich.

One of my deepest regrets is never becoming a father, because I have a high level of education, multiple degrees, and an extremely strong, spiritual duty to be moral and ethical. Unfortunately, it is not possible for men to have biological children by themselves, something women have that's quite enviable. Otherwise I would likely produce a child or more in a few years when I'm well settled in to a better, much higher paying job.

I could have shared a 'nice story' that pushed all the smiley buttons and was untrue. But I decided to just lay it out for you, what I really think and feel.

If you had suffered lifelong abuses of your mind, body, and trust, do you think you would think differently? And how would you 'fix yourself'?

Thanks for your time, and have a cosmic day.