I'm so overwhelmed. My life is beyond my control and I keep giving up....

(I just read the posting guidelines and I reckon I had better add a trigger warning before posting this although I kept it pretty PG, So TRIGGER WARNING.)

Hi to any who may choose to read this... I decided to just create this new thread as I got so overwhelmed trying to figure out where to post this on here... Hopefully this isn't a mistake but I no longer know where to turn or who to trust but I also desperately know that I need help!

Oh I can't clearly think of where I should even start here, so to prevent me from typing out a long and confusing diatribe I will instead write out a brief summary of what is plaguing me:

(OKay deep breaths & now begin) Okay, I am a 30 year old female. My physical, mental, and emotional health have spiraled out of control to the point that I feel as though my youth is already gone because it has been stolen away from me. Along with years of deep depression and unresolved traumas particulary from my childhood/ young adulthood (so similar to PTSD I guess?), my physical health recently took a very bad turn for the worst very quickly! And I found out via a recent doctors visit that I have had physical health problems since my childhood that have been affecting not just my body but also my my mind and mental/emotional health, but I had no idea! And in fact I spent years with misdiagnosed mental illnesses and trying to get help for myself in ways that I did not realize were further worsening my overall health! (those included certain counseling and therapy techniques and multiple meds which I am sensetive to that harmed me physically). I am now to a physical point with my ill health that I am essentially an invalid the majority of the time ( I am so physically weak and fatigued all the time that I often can barely lift my arms and legs, If I try to stand up and walk around I wind up very quickly having to safely and gently allow myself to go back to the flloor, I am so light sensitive that I cannot go outside and often I cannot bear to look at a computer or phone screen I am sensetive to looking at my computer screen right now but I am doing my best to ignore it and I have it as low on brightness as I can and still be able to see it). I literally can't even sleep anymore! I have been up for almost a week straight with almost no sleep! I can barely think straight anymore! I am struggling with cognitive issues, memory problems and mood swings from a hormonal imbalance, this is even when I am well rested by the way... To list a few of my physical health problems I am having, gut problems, hormonal imbalance, some kind of thyroid issue that I have got to get checked out, along with lingering side effects of a very strong antidepressant/antipsychotic that I was on for a year and which I about 3 weeks ago quit taking entirely (after tapering off of it with doctors instructions). I just don't know what to do nor where I can turn! Both my husband and I are unemployed and our funds are dwindling quickly (on my end it would be impossible for me to work right now in this physical state that I am in). Our family helps us out financially but I fear that their help will soon not be enough. We literally do not have the funds for me to get the medical and psychological help that I know that I need! So with the help of my Dad (who cured himself of heart disease through diet and exercise and years of research into that! So I feel like he is knowledgeable and trustworthy in this reguard.) I am slowly eliminating things from my diet which may be harming me (I also have developed allergies and/or sensetivies to food and other things that I was never sensetive to before). We cannot afford to get a food allergy test done so that is why we are having to do it this way as frustrating as it is. I am also suffering from multiple overpowering fears and paranoias (or what I would refer to as severe agoraphobia), self-isolating due to these paranoias, I am having to force myself to type this and then hit enter because that is how severely afraid and paranoid to interact with a human (who isn't my husband) I have become(!), OCD, irrational thoughts and ways of thinking, and I have even come realize that I may well have an eating disorder! I keep going long hours without eating and I just have a terribly unhealthy relationship with food... I feel overwhelmed all the time, frustrated/angry/irritated very easily.... In a huge sense I keep on giving up and it often feels like I cannot help it.

Yet even with all of this overwhelming stuff that is going on with me, my husband refuses to grow up and care about me and our life and relationship enough to take care of our responsibilities that I can no longer take care of myself. He has Asperger's but is more than fully functioning so I do not see that as a valid excuse! I get that having Asperger's does mean that he has struggles but as much as I am now struggling it hurts me greatly that he refuses to even try! (for context btw I am also considered to be on the autistic spectrum myself so I do know what I am talking about a little). Our house is a disgusting wreck all the time beacuse I am no longer physically or energetically capable of staying on top of it and he lazily picks and chooses what to help with only doing the bare minimum and often not even that, and he often half-asses what he does do. Our bills and other financial and various other responsibilities are all piling up because I am at a point where I cannot take care of them (I get overwhelmed easily then have panick attacks which lead to me hyperventilating,etc especially in relation to these types of stresses, plus I have already blown up at several poor customer service people over the phone in an innapropriate way because I am now often incapable of controlling my emotional outbursts, anger and moodswings!). I have even tried guiding my husband in how to pay our bills, call customer service by himself, handle medical bills/insurance, etc I have gone over these things with him on multiple occasions but he always makes excuses and insists that I must be involved in these matters every time and he utterly refuses to find any self-motivation and help with these matters on his own as much as he can until I am capable again of handing them!

I blow up at my husband all the time over the matters I listed above. My mood swings from the hormonal imbalance don't help but also I am tired of him hurting me by not helping, he has often taken advantage of me in our marriage, he has a tendenency to be very controlling and argumentative and insists that I must share his exact viewpoints on things, he confuses me because although he is mostly a loving caring kind and empathetic husband he also often does things that make me question whether or not he truly loves and cares about me. He plays on his phone all day long rather than helping around the house and with our responsibilities like he should (again doing less than the bare minimum) and he goes days (even weeks or months in the past) without looking for work even though he is able to work and I currently am not able to and we are running out of money! To make matters worse he often ignores me when I am talking to him (including about things of importance or that I am in emotional or physical pain) and just continues to stare at and mess around with his confounded phone! And then the other day I decided that I needed to know what he was doing on his phone which is obviously so much more important to him than his own wife! So I looked at his YouTube history (and yeah I know not a healthy thing to do in a relationship but I felt so desperate and I needed to know what was goiing on because he refuses to be honest with me!). Anyway it was like trauma to me when I saw what he had been viewing, for a full minute or two I was basically in shock and I could not feel anything emotionally at all, I felt very unwell in the pit of my stomach, I became deeply numb and then shortly after still numb but also hurt and outraged. He had been viewing porn (women stripping and engaging in sexual acts) and before you just assume that I am overreacting please let me give some more context. I used to view that kind of stuff myself but I realized that it was negatively impacting me and in fact our marriage. Also I was sexually molested when I was small so I am extremely sensitive to sexual material of any kind and it tends to make me feel uncomfortable and often makes me feel sick to my stomach. Anyway we are both also Christians and both us began to feel like viewing that kind of stuff was extremely morally wrong and so both of us made a deal that neither of us would engage in such things like porn and the like anymore, but clearly I am the only one who has now kept that promise for a long lenght of time. I struggled too with staying away from it in the beginning but in time I was able to pull myself away from it and I no longer feel any desire to watch it or have anything to do with it ,and it has been I would say at least a year since I last did view it. Anyway I just wanted to add that to point out that I do understand my husband's struggle with that to some degree. Anyway I just feel so betrayed by the man who loves me and to whom I have now been married to for over half a decade now! It feels to me as though he has been cheating on me. It makes me not want him to touch me at all anymore (& I was already struggling with that before due to the traumatic memories I keep having....) . Plus it caused me to remember some of the events leading up to our weddiung and question whether he has ever cheated on me? After all I do know that leading up very close to our wedding, I found out that he was still in contact with his ex-girlfriend and that he had been keeping that from me. He essentially had to choose between the 2 of us back then which was all the more frustrating because she had a new boyfriend... Anyway I fear that I will never know the full truth of what was going on between the 2 of them back then, after all he admitted to me on our very wedding night that the poem that he had led me to believe that he had written about me and our relationship was in fact an old poem which he had written for that same supposedly ex-girlfriend which he had then repurposed and read aloud at our wedding during our wedding vows! Mine was written by me about him and our relationship! Why wasn't his? I just don't know anymore I have so little trust left in him & other people & the world at large! (I have been hurt by so many people in my life. I have even been manipulated, scammed, and stolen from by my own blood relatives!!)

I am now left with so little self-esteem that it is frankly ludicrous! It was ingrained in me growing up that I am 'incapable and will never be capable', that I am 'not normal', that I am "crazy", and many other not good things... and now I have no idea how to get away from that minset within myself! I feel like I am nothing but a loser failure and that events that happened prove that and prove that my family was right about me, that I am nothing but a useless, incapable, crazy freak!

I feel myeslf giving up daily, my thoughts quickly and easily become suicidal. And for all intents and purposes I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have had little choice but to give in and give up.... at least for now...

Okay I recognize that this has gotten too long and I apologize about that to whoever may read this... I will conclude this now.

Thank you sincerely to whoever reads this and responds.

I hope that whoever you are, that you are well on your end and if you are not that you will seek help and get better!

Okay that is all for now.