I'm trying to push for getting better again and I've tried a lot of times to push for this, confused about how to go about things.

I had an account a few years ago, but I've grown a bit, and feel like opening up more gradually. It's been so much work all the time since 2018. I'll paste my bio here if anyone feels like they have an idea about how/where to seek support as a whole and what I might consider working on for now. Coping has been much worse and in excess than usual and my brain is going so much worse all too often seriously. I'm not diving into these subjects as well as I used to, but I'm trying to make another attempt please. Don't invalidate how intense I get for hiding information, despite how ok it might look possibly now. Sorry for not expecting much and for writing about so much :

I've been in a bit of an insane set of predicaments and some of them have been worked on partially, hi. There's lots of problems I'm built upon or that have accumulated, which I might not all share obviously. Please any insight for support if it's somehow possible

My functions and needs are sort of kept separate and I sort of act as multiple to take care of more sensitive parts or of irl situations separately. I can stay up for days if situation needs it, though my body takes it less and less ok. I had to hide things since young and sets of new problematics made that very absolute and obsessive. Alienation and isolation have been a very traumatic type of issue in general. I spent half a decade trying to condition myself with instances of months of torturous routines to create triggers of sorts so I'd act as needed in some situations, and escalate stress 24/7. I spent too much time/years hypervigilant and parts of me wanted out after awhile. Some very heavy internal distrust started in 2018 for arrays of genuinely extremely complicated problems and self harm/sabotage, but it's made me start seeking change in myself so that I'll one day disclose personal information to someone safe and find support outwards. I've spent 4 years only caring about this and the growth was absurd; I'm far from being able to open up or talk about anything that feels 'personal'. I want the hurt scared part to feel genuinely heard by someone safe and understood by another human being before letting it have a cute suicide event. Side note, I age regress involuntarily in some situations if space allows it, but switches/stress escalation are more intense if someone starts hurting that part.

I don't want to go too much into old ideas of my place in the world, and how that's still ingrained in my mind, but I wasn't supposed to have anyone in my life at this age per old conception and my self worth was just generally very horrible. The 2018 crisis made me terrified of having anything to do with my regulation, management, care, analysis/understanding, sympathy/pampering, guidance, punishments/conditioning, or anything of the sort. Some still came out in spurts, but it's complicated. I felt and acted only as an unguided impersonal front or a hidden personal childish part, at least mainly, until (very partially) mid 2020.

So my mind switched in march 2018 and I untangled partly via consciously deluding myself about ideas that professionals could replace everything I was for me, and that they were beyond my conceptions of perfect and what not. Even if there were, this process would be beyond difficult as I still am. And I knew that it'd be difficult to get out of that, but it allowed more mother-bear-ey parts and intense selfish ones just to stop a bit and loosen their hold and hogging of the space. It helped this first steps of breaking the hold that the more intense parts had, and eventually even loosened them after semi intense triggers where I actually would need them to function and be healthier.

I've mostly stopped hurting myself or doing conditioning routines since the 2018 incidents; self sabotaging is still a thing and I cope poorly or in excesses with a lot. I wrote in 2 inch x 2 inch letters 'try again, I love you, you are strong' on my thighs for maybe 6-7h last summer, and it helped process those events slightly after the few years. But I have never been more confused since then, and my sense of self is so confusing a lot of the time.

I get so dissociated so often for old stuff or old fears/such. If I lack stress, I don't feel internal cohesion and am not functional as a whole. My body cannot handle stress anymore like it used to.

I need to assure that a visit to a professional would be safe in a variety of ways for more sensitive parts to open up and for triggers to be less absolute and intense in being protective and self reliance oriented. It is genuinely very complicated, but that's probably not all a problem as it is. I am still terrified of adult-ey people or clinical settings. I am very close to phobic and cannot disclose personal information, as if someone else was keeping me hostage. Even if silly. I can hint at things, but I really need attentive help for this. I'm still close to panic at their sight in clinical settings - I have doctors as students in my classes, so that's different. I have planned to read back 100's of hours of stuff so I remember the surface of things and how much I want to share, or what could escalate my stress to sharply and make me completely distrust anyone forever. I just need to see what's out limits for the first few years of consulting the right professional.

I need help talking about trauma specialists and some insight on how to tackle this search, or how opening up works in clinical settings. I've tried to have talks about this a few times and Idk why it's not feeling simple still.

As for bonds, this is quite a blur now. It settled in a complicated and indirect way, and I can't accept or feel them. It's so difficult for me. The deepest extent they'd go otherwise is impersonal coping friendships, without any intimacy or sharing personal information, just attentive care. I'd stay weeks at friends and we took care of each other, but wouldn't share stuff about trauma, home or anything - which is normal, but that'll be difficult to move past for me. I used to force the limited/distant dynamic quite a lot to keep it that way, and won't be able to not do it once the first parts are resolved. I have left these very deep friendships and old cities abruptly in the most horrible way, while thinking I couldn't have anyone in my life, or while thinking I wasn't well enough to allow them. I am extremely motherly and caring for people I care about, and cannot process this atrocity of sorts, and especially how I still don't know if I'd act any different now. I need guidance for some contexts surrounding this once I can open up further. It is regardless complex from a few angles, and the type of limited bonding I'll need with a professional is very child-like in nature. As for relationships, I've never really considered the idea and it would be impossible or confusing for lots of reasons to consider. Also I'm 2nd generation of single parents and most people in my family have not been in relationships - still this is not a main reason.

I have joined a wholesome small community online and they've felt like family or friends at this point since awhile, but it's too much sometimes and very difficult in a sense to navigate sentimentally.

I cannot and am against overanalyzing like before, and I cannot do back-and-forths for processing anymore, so complex issues are at standstills. I need help for this. I have let some traumas in hidden corners and have changed city and avoided people, just so I might slowly calm parts of my stress responses; it'll be a mess to delve back into.

I had my first breakthroughs in a more sexual sense last year masturbation and such-wise. I couldn't even do those things without panic a lot of the time for very long. Everything feels like intense panic, confusion and fear in those corners, even the sight of genitals or any sort of personal libido, which gets very complicated libido-wise and such. I had to really over analyze those things for so many years to understand the deeper functionings of it, but it's beyond simple manners of control on my end. I need help. I have no desire for any irl contact and will probably never want anything to do with it in any form. I'm agender and want nullification or ssri's/etc., too. By extension, I will no matter what find a country that does penectomies/castrations under the table within the next 10 years against any adversity I face on this.

English used to be a language I kept for personal talking and venting, and I'd hurt myself for having thoughts in this language near other human beings. I kept my main language separate function wise. It's not the case anymore, but I still never ever use it irl. Sorry for misuse or formal writing, or internet-ey informal writing