My struggling sexual path - complete confession - !!!EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT!!!

Hi I'm a male newbie and I want to confess my sexual path in this safe space at 7cups.
First, nowadays everything is fine with me and my sexuality, except I'm not confident enough and I'm waiting for my girlfriend to be ready for sex. I'm heterosexual.

It's really akward and I feel a bit ashamed to write this instead of speaking with someone about it. I want to ease my fear of keeping secrets right now.

Those to begin with, I grew up with psychological and physical violence. By my mother and my step father. Most my mother. And a bit by my siblings. At home sex was a taboo topic. And there is a family secret, which I feel is realted to physical or maybe in the worst case sexual violence.
In my childhood one of my brother and I had a friend in the street that introduced us to sex and porn and sex phantasies. We were really young, I guess i was in the elementary school. This friend fucked his stuffed animal, talk about fucking cats, showed us pornography for the first time and he succesfully convinced us to play a real sex game. The game was hide and seek but with sex, so that the one who was found first or something like that had to fuck the founder or so in the ass. And I and the friend really did that, I fucked him and he me. I layed down, and he on top of me with his penis in the ass and vise versa, but not erect penis because we werent in puberty yet obviously. My brother didnt played the fuck part, and we including the friend never talked about that day anymore. That we didnt talked about that is a part of our broken relation I think, but it is so ashaming, that we cant talk about that day. Nowadays I would say to me back then, "wtf this idea of your friend is disgusting, go home right now and do not contect this friend anymore".

With eleven I explored my penis and stuff the first time and got addicted to masturbation. Then in college every boy talked about porn and masturbation. I first felt dumb to not know what sex really is and what porn and masturbation is. So I fearfully looked porn up and got addicted to it. It really went bad, I masturbated and look porn after school for hours, secretly. The categories went bad too, I really went disgusting, so ashaming, I watched and masturbated to young, classic, japanese, hentai, animal, movie, leaked, anal, gay, child and deep web rape porn. A really critical time. Thats history now. Masturbation was release of stress, it was the one solution for every problem. I really masturbated my youth away, throwing it into the bin. I masturbated at strange places, for example after a party on the way back home I stopped with my bicycle, layed down on the street and masturbated, i was a bit drunk of course.Or I once masturbated in a pavillion on vacation were kids were close.

With my old friends from elementary school I once celebrated New Year's Eve. In the night we watched television porn and decided to challenge ourselves to masturbate collectively under our blankets to that porn. Weird as fuck too. Or we played truth or dare with taking cloth off or masturbating in front of each other as dare.

Also I wanked with my spittle anothers friend penis in college because he suggested that, in return he would take parts of my parts for a presentation in school.

Also back then I masturbated with other people in mind, having phantasies, also including family members, and almost badly touched my nieces. I had rape phantasies.

I also loved Michael Jackson when I was in puberty, but he was not a good role model, as it is known now. I was really addicted too his music, movies and interview and everything else of him, I guess that also ahd a bad impact on me.

I am over that all, now living a normal sexual life. It was ashaming, it was disgusting, it was destroying myself.
It was the result of violence in family, wrong friends, and parents that didnt care for my life and what i was doing.

Now I have control over my life. I have no bad phantasies anymore, and dont consume porn or even masturbate. I deleleted triggers, I retrained myself sexually and have a wonderful girlfriend.