Passion-less life

I live a life which I don’t feel like I should be living. I feel like I am in a strangers body, not knowing what to do. It hasn’t always been like that, when I was smaller I had all these hopes and dreams, was outgoing, saw life as a rainbow full of happiness and a lot of colors. But as I grew and become a teenager my life has gotten dull, I have been confined to my room which is considered my ‘safe space’ . A space where thinking wasn’t required anymore, where listening wasn’t necessary, it was just me. Never participated in social groups, had high grades but that was just about it. There was nothing exciting to me, go to school and back in my safe space. But as I got older and my mom pass, I realized my whole teen years have been nothing but black and white. Now it was time to think of college, now it was time to be a ‘woman’, now it’s time to face the world. But I got so confused, angry, fustrated becuase I just left my confine space so abruptly. I didn’t know how to cope, what to do, had to move since my mom died becuase the home, my space space was no longer mine and was taken from me. From my own blood, I am here in a new space, on the outside I am still comfortable and confined in my safe space but inside I want to explore, so new things, do all the things I couldn’t do when I was a teenager but I don’t know how. I have a boyfriend but my relationship is having a hard time, because I don’t know how to listen anymore, I don’t know how to act, I don’t know how to think. School is just the same, took a gap year but it was still the same confined, but I was forced to pick something and go to school and do it. Trust me, i had a hard time until my sister suggested Tourism, I said why not? I loved hotels but that’s just about it. I don’t see it as something I want to have a career in but everyday I have to convince myself it’s something I want to do and just stick with it but I don’t . Here I am an young adult, jobless, afarid to socialize, in a new environment have no friends, confined to my room only company I have is my boyfriend (rocky relationship), two friends who are far away, stressed university student with no one to confine in or talk to. Even though I tried to express myself but it’s either they don’t understand me or think I am tormented. But what I know I have scarred, traumatized and disappointed my inner child, all she wanted to do was smile and be apart of the world and I prevented that, I promised her so many times that I will change and it only has been one disappointment to the next. I asked God for help not gonna lie he has taken me about of some situations but I have yet to find that peace and confidence to know and believe that everything will be okay, sometimes I wonder if he stopped listening, but all I know and care to have some peace. I want to be happy, I want to be free, have friends , go out on social events, have a job, healthy mental and physical state. Trapped on a ledge, if a stay I will slide and die, if I try to pull myself up, my fingertips started to bleed and I slide down inch by inch. Who is gonna rescue me before it gets even worse?