Re-living past traumas
I am new here. My husband treated me badly for many years. He got help and changed. I struggle at times thinking about things he did. I feel I can't bring them up because he has apologized repeatedly, and he is different now. I do not see what value there is in discussing old incidents with my husband, yet at times I have vivid memories of the bad times. I could not sleep last night. I could not stop thinking of a particularly hurtful incident. I don't know how to put the hurts behind me. I hope others here are willing to share their progress in stopping the re-living of past traumas.
Welcome to 7cups! That does sound like a really hard situation to be dealing with! It’s great you’ve found this site to talk it through and get some additional support! If you ‘browse’ the listeners section you can read listener pages and find someone you think may be suitable to talk to. Talking can be a really valuable way of working through things and seeing things clearly or from a different perspective. All the best on your journey. Here’s the listeners link: https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
Comments like this just sound so generic and unhelpful... hardly even acknowledged what was written
I don't think it would be wrong to bring it up to him. Even if he has changed and apologized, the hurt was still done. Those actions don't automatically heal you and that's okay. It might be hard for him to hear, but if you make it clear you accept him as he is now and believe in his change, but also want to talk about the very real feelings you're still having about the past...I hope he would be receptive to listen. Your memories are real and the pain they still cause you is so understandable....I get them too. Sometimes a random memory of a bad incident comes pouring into my head and it's so hard to deal with, even if you know you're safe now. I think the most sure way to understand why it happens and what to do would be to talk to a professional... although I know that's not an option for everyone. But if it is an option for you, I would very much recommend it. Otherwise, sharing with peers and getting support that way can be another outlet and source of support and coping strategies :)
@AngieHolly ❤ to stay and love the man who abused you! Wow! Your a strong woman. That must be the definition of love ❤ I wish you all the best ❤ but maybe talking about it will help you. If not with him then a therapist maybe. My heart goes out to you ❤
This won't fit in with 7cups doctrine but
Why forgive him? Ok, HE has changed but what about you? You're supposed to just accept it? Did you ever get revenge for anything he did to you?
Like I said, people here will preach forgiveness and acceptance, but if I were in your position I would probably be feeling used and hard done by.. he abuses you and then "changes" and now everything is supposed to be ok? That wouldn't sit well with me either
I don't think it's a "doctrine" here for blind forgiveness and acceptance, you're not going against any grain here. In this case, the poster implied they had accepted and acknowledged the change, and struggled with still having painful memories within that. The "did you ever get revenge" part of your comment is unnecessary and certainly not something you should ever "have" to do after being abused and really not something you should promote. "Revenge" just adds to the negativity in the world, no one feels better, and it doesn't change anything. Revenge is not a part of healing.
No one says someone has to forgive their abuser or be okay with the supposed change, but the poster seems like they did want to be okay, but just struggles with some unresolved pain. Remember that not everyone is you, some people want support within their situation, not whatever you think you would want in that situation.
@FoxPrinceI just say what I think, who are you?
@AngieHolly. Wow, I'm sorry you went through that for so long. It's very good to hear he changed. I think talking to a therapist will help. If you can find books about people who went through abuse, might help you. I haven't ready any books about abusive husbands. There is a book called Angry Men and The Women Who Loved Them by Paul Hegstrom. Healing Well and Living Free From An Abusive Relationship by Dr. Ramona Probasco. Silent Cry: The True Story of Abuse and Betrayal of an NFL Wife by Dorothy J. Newton. I don't know if any of these books will help you but it's worth a try. I haven't read them but the reviews of the books were good. I'll pray for you.
@AngieHolly
Welcome to 7cups and I’m so sorry for what you went through. What you’re experiencing is very real and also valid. Whether you want to open up to your husband to address past traumas or open up on here or somewhere else or journal, it’s your choice and journey to do so. Never feel like you need to repress.
Additionally, it’s ok to explore self expression and experiment with what you need on your healing journey. There is no set time when you need to be “over” something or feel resolved. It can take days, weeks, months, years or some other amount of time because it’s an individual feeling. These things take time and are a process and exploring during this time even with self expression is always ok to do if you need to.
I appreciate you opening up and sharing something so vulnerable and how difficult that must have been and I want to say that if you need to chat, vent, or anything feel free to pm me or another listener you feel safe with.
❤️Rose
I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I'm also sorry you're having to go through the aftereffects of what he did in the past. It takes time to heal from it. Personally, I have PTSD too and seeking therapy has made me really self-aware and has taught me to work on my traumatic memories. Approaching an expert is always a good option. I really hope you can get out of this.
I’ve never been married. But I’ve had a similar situation with my dad. We had a rough relationship we still do. I think about the things he’s said and done that hurt me. I love my dad, but it’s hard to forget and forget what he’s done. It’s hard to talk about it because he doesn’t listen. It’s hard to deal with traumatic experiences. You can’t fix them with an “I’m sorry” “I love you” or even long paragraphs. It takes time to heal but the memory’s will forever be there.
Life, of course, didn't go smoothly, sometimes we have to struggle with the situation but one day everything will be better than earlier.
@AngieHolly, sorry to hear that. I think you should talk to someone about the experiences because you can't sleep, which is seriously disrupting your day-to-day life.
Please keep in mind that you are just as much of a human being as he is, and you have every right to live normally without experiencing anxiety. If you suppress your feelings, they will only get worse.
If you really want to discuss with your husband you should, and he has to listen to it.