When you have everything...but you don't

I am what you would say a lucky one. I know there are so many poeple here and out there in the world that have suffered from traumatic childhoods or have gone thruough something really rough and therefore led to problems dealing with depression and such. Not me; I grew up in a loving family. Sure we had our ups and downs but no family is one hundred percent prefect right? I grew up an only child until I was eight. Then, my sister was born. My parents were and still are very loving. Even though we were not the richest, they always gave us what we needed and sometimes, when the money permitted, they even spoiled us a little.

So why am I so sad?

In school, I did really well. I was in advanced classes all the way from fourth to eigth grade but as soon as I hit high school, everything collapsed. I guess I've always been a lonely kid, introvert to the max. Maybe elementary school didn't make me feel as lonely because, well, classes were set in stone and in gifted class, the same people would carry on from year to year. HIgh school is different. Everyone has their own schedules and float from place to place. Only the extrovets survived. I remeber seeing everyone with their friends by the lockers. A Glee scene playing out infront of me and I would always wonder why that couldnt be me. You see, I have everything but then I don't. I may seem to have a great life, a great upbringing but then why am I so sad?

I feel lonely in a room full of people that all they do is care but for some reason I just can't open up to anybody. I ended up trying to commit suicide a couple days after I had my sweet 15. I know, really pathetic, but that was the moment my parents realized I wasn't ok. I ended up at a hospital for a week and intense counsling for two years. My psychiatrist never really helped. She wasn't incompetent, I simply chose not to speak- to pretend that everything was ok and that I was just as amused as she was because I seemed prefectly "fine". In reality, I just did not want to put my family thru all of that.

Now all of that was nine years ago. I am not in any medication or seeing anybody. I wouldn't do it anyway. Being face to face with someone and opening up makes me really uncomfortable. I have done horrible things that a lot of people I care for will never know and maybe that;s what kills me. I have a lot of demons and when they all start trying to escape, only I can deal with them. Maybe I'm wrong for being the way I am. Maybe I'm just really sick with some mental issue. I guess for now I'll check this place out. It's the first time I'm in a forum, let alone a therapy place forum but I am very open minded to other's beleifs and opinions. I am very inetersted to see what people here have to offer.