dealing with blocked memories and lies

hello everyone, i hope i am in the right place. i'm feeling very much in the need of talking to someone.

my story is complex - but i will try to keep it short.

when i was 10 years old i was kidnapped and molested by a person who my mother had sleeping my bedroom - a room i shared with my younger brother, who was also molested.

my parents never knew --- and i blocked the memories out. i became very sick with depression and anxiety -- my mother responded to my inability to get out of bed and constant confused state by physically and mentally attacking me. i lived in constant fear.

i moved to japan to live when i was 24. i tried to get on with my life and everytime any memories of my life growing up in australia came to mind, i pushed them away.

i tried to get on with life but did not even know that i was dealing with high levels of anxiety which caused insomnia as that is all i had known since i was 10 years old.

i came back to australia after 2 years in japan and confronted my mother about the violence she inflicted on me. she responed by attacking me -- hitting my head as hard as she could . she did this 3 times before i started blocking the blows. i went back to japan for another 10 years.

when i was 37, i was almost married to the girl of my dreams. i still suffered very bad anxiety. i was confused and called off the wedding thinking it was the cause of my anxiety.

i returned to australia severlely depressed -- i thought it was all over the girl, but as soon as i came back memories of my mother's abuse surfaced --- and i asked my mother to say sorry. not only would she not say sorry, she accused me of telling lies about her violence. she is VERY controlling and has had my father and other relatives belieiving that i am delusional and imaginged the attacks from my mother.

i started drinking for the first time in my life as i was so shocked and hurt but my mother's lies. i started taking all kinds of medication and i was screwed up on meds, booze and lies for over 10 years.

2 years i came back to australia again after more time in japan ( i tried, but could not get on with my life ). i stopped drnking and slowly waened off the meds.

the memories of being kidnapped and molested came back.

my father finally understands that my mother is CRAZY and has been telling lies for many years -- which stopped me from getting down to the core issue that made me life with massive anxiety and insomnia since i was 10 years old.

i have only just figured out what happened. i am 51 years old now. i have spend much of my life alone as being molested made it VERY difficult for me to be intimate with other people.

i am tired from a lifetime of living with bottled up emotions and a crazy mother who has attacked me in so many ways ever since i was a small child -- and told my father and other people that i have 'middle child syndrome' as a way to cover up her attacks on me. to understand how this is possible, you should know that my father was extrememly neglegtful and never once gave me a chance to sit down and explain just what was going on in our household.

i have a relationship now with my father for the first time. he now understands --- as he knows himself that my mother has always had issues. however, it has been a ashock to him to find out the level of abuse i endured for such a long time.

the blocked memories of molestation only came out 6 months ago. the same person who was sleeping in my bed and molesting me took my friend and i to a place hours away in their car. they tricked us into getting into the car with them and if not for us being quick thinking in making up lies about telling someone that my mother knew my whereabouts, i hate to think what could have happened. i was not olested on this occasion but none the less, it was a terrifying experience. my mother just got angry with me when i told her what had just happened. she physiacally attacked me. i never spoke about it again until now - 40 years later.

i have written a children's book. i am trying to pick up the pieces in life but right now, i have lost all hope :(