help

Thank you so much @cloudTraveler

I've struggled with depression for a long time and have a history of mental illness in my family, so I have done a fair amount of research in trying to manage it myself. In the past year I did a lot to cut out toxic people in my life and try to find ways to cope with what I can't change and felt like I was doing a lot better for quite a while. Recently however it seems that rather than actually managing the depression I started engaging in behavior that changed the dynamic of it. For example a major factor in my depression is a volatile home enviroment that I learned to escape by shutting down any feeling in order to escape gaslighting. This has seeped into other areas of my life where I don't want to be cold and isolated. I only feel like I have one person I can trust and I don't talk much to any of my peers but there is only so much that this person can support me. I am battling a lot with feelings of apathy as well as inadequecy, like I don't have any particular traits that make me unique. I have no grasp of my own personality and I feel lost, I'm not here or there, I feel bland, dull, boring, unspecial. I also have periods of time when I feel very energetic towards no clear goal just manic energy that I can't satisfy no matter what. In the past my doctor has perscribed medicine for depression and adhd but neither seemed to do much for me except make me feel kinda foggy. I'm wondering if perhaps I have bipolor depression but I don't have any access currently to a therapist or treatment, so if there are any suggestions you have for me or thoughts on my condition I would greatly appreciate it. Even if I can't be officially diagnosed, I think being able to understand what I might be experiencing will help me hold on to a sense of identity.