A big mess
I hurted my ex a lot, for example this: 'How can I trust someone who, when she was with me, would reply to anyone on *** just to get attention? Or who would flirt with a guy at a club if he gave her a ride home? With the excuse, 'because I have value.' Or the fact that, when we were talking about work, you said you’d play along a bit with your boss if he was interested in you, just to get ahead. This isn't the type of person that makes me feel good or calm.'
These are his words. Our relationship lasted one month, with many months of knowing each other beforehand. Since he left me, I have shown a total change in myself for two months. He sees that it's real, but he's afraid that it isn't. In these two months, he's had moments where he wanted to pull away from me, but then he always came back, and I offered him my support and always stayed by his side, consistent in my behavior. However, he recently decided he doesn't want to see me anymore.
I gave up a trip to Rome with my dad to spend more time with him. A friend of my ex's gave him tickets to stay a week in Rome, and he went anyway. On ***, we had a conversation where I, being afraid of being potentially manipulated by him, became a bit cold. Once I calmed down a bit, I sent him two messages that he never answered. Little by little, day by day, he unfollowed my spam profile and then my main profile, signaling that he doesn't even want to have anything to do with me anymore or at least see what I post.
What can I do to get him back?
I know he often does this and that he hopes I'll write to him again. He does it because he's so afraid that I don't love him, and I want to prove it to him in every humanly possible way.
Often during our relationship we talked about getting married. I wanna marry him
@sadpear008
I am not sure if I deciphered your message correctly, but... In my view, if someone is in a relationship and still flirting with some other guys, it's a relationship red flag. And when it happens repeatedly, it's even a bigger one.
However, flirting might be a very broad idea—from something mild and innocent (like saying or accepting a compliment to a married person) to some dangerous situations (like meeting someone one-on-one, prioritising them over a partner and exchanging physical touch).
I have experienced both the former and the latter from my partner in my last relationship, and guess why it has still been the last...
I believe in a world of today, where marriage is really rare, and divorces and physical or digital infidelity are spreading like a flue, a decision about a marriage for a lifetime is a very serious one—almost to the point that requires some "relationship superpowers".
I don't know if one month is enough to take such a decision. In my case when that had been half a year, it proved to be risky later on.
And sometimes the best way to show someone that we care about them is leaving them alone.
Still, it can be a chance for you to learn who you really are and what you really need. Is seeking for attention from strangers a result of self-esteem being high or being low? And I have been aware of the fact that sometimes the way we behave is not revolved about our choices, but about the good things we are missing or some really bad things we had experienced in the past...
First of all, thank you so much for your response 🙏🏻🙏🏻!
Let me explain better. In reality, I never flirted with anyone during our relationship. When I explained to him that it seemed rude not to respond to people on ***, he understood. I was replying to guys on *** to gently tell them I wasn't interested or, sometimes, we would joke together about bots or people asking me weird things in chats. He didn't interpret this well, even though sometimes he seemed to find it funny.
What hurt him most of all (besides the fact that I often talked about my ex) is that I kissed a guy two days before he asked to start dating. Not to get married or start a relationship, just to start dating. During that period, I had given him all the freedom in the world; he could have done the same thing because we weren't in a relationship yet, but that's just how I saw it. He was already very into me and was deeply hurt by that, according to him. We're talking about the middle of April. A few days ago, when we were still talking, he told me that he thinks about it constantly.
I bitterly regret this. But then, especially after we broke up, when I stayed by his side for two months as if we were dating, I showed him a concrete change. However, he still gives weight to what happened when I clearly didn't have the same feelings for him yet. During that short month of our actual relationship, I unfortunately talked about my ex, and since I'm a very cold person who warms up over time, I wasn't yet in the mood to give him too many compliments. In the two months after the breakup, however, I overcame that limit, giving a lot of love, compliments, and love letters. The actions of these two months were not enough to make him understand that I have changed and am completely in love with him.
The topic of marriage actually came up only after a few months of knowing each other, but we continued to talk about it even in the two months after the breakup. We also have a significant age difference; he is 27 and I am 20. This often made me question if he was serious; I was afraid that there was sometimes some kind of manipulation that I naively never noticed. These explanations, every time we discuss them, are useless. He is very firm in his position.
Regarding the marriage question, he is already at a suitable age for that. He works and can get a house for himself. The two of us know every single part of each other; we even passed the limit of pooping together 😳😳. We are extremely intimate and were best friends before the relationship became romantic.
@sadpear008
Alright, so, my understanding of your previous message wasn't very clear then... 😊
You mention the "backwards jealousy", I mean the jealousy about the things that happened before you started dating.
I was in situations similar to the one that you described too many times to be able to condemn you...
The good news about your boyfriend being jealous about your previous partners seems to be: he is (or at least: was) head over heels in love and thought about you in a gravely serious way.
Still, the very bad news is: that way of thinking is obsessive and extremely toxic (as it might have stemmed from his low self-esteem and/or his negative previous experience); and it can be a poison to even a blooming relationship...
You're right, talking about your ex is one of the least sexy things you can do while being with someone else. Being here and now sounds certainly better. Yet, I believe you did a good work switching from one of these scenarios to another 👍
A 7-years age difference seems to be quite an issue now (I believe the difference between being 20 and being 25+ is almost as significant as between being 17 and 20). It shouldn't be such an issue in 10 years. But again, it might be an issue when you are both getting middle-aged (having serious hormonal/personality changes not at the same time).
Taking into account the fact that you are charmfully growing, adjusting, and changing—if I were your boyfriend, I could still give it a whirl—but, sadly, I am not (to not mention the fact I am 50+ and an ocean of other circumstances 😆).
Notwithstanding, I would be extremely careful about the intimacy going poop-level. People say that too much of a friendship may kill sex appeal. Astonishingly, a successful marriage takes them both 💜
Thank you so much. Your point about his jealousy being potentially toxic may not be helpful at the moment, but I do believe he reacted the way he did, maybe differently than usual, because of my previous behavior.
I bought him the blue French horn. I don't know if you've seen How I Met Your Mother, but it's our show. I'd really like to give it to him, but I'm not sure when or how. I'm afraid that if I give it to him too late, he might be annoyed because he's already moved on. But if I give it to him too early, he might feel too much pressure.
I just don't know what to do...
I'll also add some small mementos of us to the gift.
@sadpear008
No, I haven't seen the movie. Right, the timing of sending him a gift might be crucial. Though sometimes what we do (or don't do) is only as much important as what is written in the stars...
Thank you so much for the support❤️💕