Trust issues in friendships
Starting off with a bit of history in my past friendships. The longest friendship I had with another girl was 15 years. I called off our friendship when we were 27, because I was always the one initiating and contacting her with plans to meet up. I moved out of the city we met in, an hour drive apart. So, I always contacted her to ask when she's free to have a meal together, and we met half-way (distance-wise). In those 15 years, there had been many times where she'd cancel last minute; last minute, as in, I had already arrived at our meeting place, and she sends a text message saying something came up and couldn't make it. This happened so many times, I've lost count. As someone who likes to plan and have a routine, to have her break that plan, was very disheartening. The thing is, when we sat down one day, and I told her that I'm tired of our one-way friendship, she didn't say anything about wanting to keep it going. The only things she told me then was, "you've known I was like this from day one." I guess for her, she doesn't grow, or want to change her habits for the better of us.
In those 15 years, there were other short-lived friendships. I remember there was this one, it was with a male classmate. I thought we'd end up to be good friends, but once I felt comfortable with him, and started sharing about my history (with depression), he avoided me like the plague. At the University, walking by each other, he avoided eye contact. There was a coworker at one point, of whom I thought we could've been good friends. Another male, but he saw through me. The first person in my life that could see through me. But after a couple of years of working with him, his parents sent him back home to get married, and I lost contact with him.
I recently taught a cohort of six students in my current career. One of the girls, although I'm 9 years older, I felt we have a different connection. Now that class has ended, and we're now coworkers, as she's one of the five students who passed, is hired into my department. Now that we're no longer Instructor-Student relationship, and coworkers, I feel that we could become friends. She understands me the most, but at the same time, I'm starting to feel it as a one-sided friendship again. As I'm always the one messaging her to ask how her day went. And yes, she'd ask me back. But I'm the one initiating the conversation.
Why is so hard to develop a friendship that is more two-sided? I have a habit with friendships, I tend to let the other person know about me, my past, almost right at the beginning. It's almost like, I want them to know the worst of me, and if they still decide to stay, then, they will be someone worth my time to try and develop a friendship with. But I've noticed, this way, many do choose to turn their backs on me. It's saddening to know that those I've met, that no one is willing to face mental health with empathy and understanding. I'm past the stage where depression is a large part of my life, at least, in the present, only triggers will make me feel depressed.
I feel with depression, since I have lived with it for two-thirds of my life so far (I'm 39 now), that even when I've moved forward, became a better person, depression will always be a part of my life. As there will always be some kind of trigger that would upset me, that would give me flashbacks, that would put me in a depressed state for a couple of days, for a week, for a couple of weeks, for a month.
Am I trusting the other person too easily, too quickly, and revealing my life story scares them away? I want a real, deep, understanding, emotionally bonded type of friendship. So, I had always believed that I need tell the other person all of me, including my past, right at the beginning. But I find, pouring my heart out, almost always end up having the other person turn their backs on me. Why is it so hard to find someone who can reciprocate this same type of friendship. I just feel that it's better to show them the bad part of me, and if they accept it, then, it's all good. Rather than waiting for our friendship to develop, and then revealing that part my history later; then, find out that they cannot accept that part of me. If they turn their back on me then, it would hurt even more than right from the beginning.
So, there are times, where I'm almost afraid to show them my true self, as there had been too many incidents where the other person choose to turn away, than to stay by my side. So, when will I ever find that someone who is willing to stay? Does that person even exist? I just need one person, as either a friend, or a life-long partner.
@Jaeteuk
Thank you for sharing 🩷
And being so vulnerable.
You absolutely deserve the same energy and the same effort back that you put into any relationship.
But you don't owe anyone anything or any part of yourself
They don't need to know.
Not everyone earns it.
You can be friends with people and just be fun and easy going and time will tell if they deserve more, if not , that's also fine 🩷
It's just that there has been times where I thought I could trust the other person, but in the end, I was being used. Like, they took my kindness, my personality, as something they could use to their benefits. That was one of the things I discovered with that long-time friend, she used me as an excuse to her parents. As back then, the more traditional Chinese families, they do not want their children to be dating while still in high school. That friend started dating a guy in 11th Grade, and when she wanted to go on dates, she'd tell her parents that she was hanging out with me. Although, we do end up meeting, but then, the boy would be there too. It became obvious after the nth time, that I was being used as her excuse.
Other times, when I begin to trust someone, it ended up to be all a lie. That it was all fake. So now, I try to be more cautious with trust. Of course, I would like to build relationships/friendships based on trust, honesty, and loyalty. But, it's difficult getting past trust. People tend to start drifting away from me after some time.
@Amanda84
I understand where you're coming from, friendships are indeed tough to navigate. Some people cannot seem to take when they see their own traits in others, you would think that would bond people..
Unfortunately, you have to take it slow and share lil by lil, see if they are making the effort, being chatty, getting to know you, if not, it's not worth ending up with resentments.
I'm naturally reserved so it appears, the less I share, the more "mysterious" and appealing I appear. I'm not trying to covet that title, it takes a while to trust and know someone is sticking around is all.
Share little by little, for me, when I feel that I can connect with the other person, I tend to become talkative, and reveal a lot more about myself to them. I'm not someone who can lie, or not speak of the truth. So, a lot of the times, I think I can't hold back, once I start talking, my heart pours out. The only thing I hold back are the darker past.
@ScrabbleBrain
@Jaeteuk You definitely don't need to lie but even when sharing, you don't need to reveal everything, I would give snippets or not go into too much detail at least at the start.
I wouldn't want to overwhelm someone with my past, it's a lot. I hope you have healthier ones in the future :)
Snippets, I like that word. I'll try to give more on the surface story of myself, rather than going too deep, too early on. Thank you for your ideas~
@ScrabbleBrain
@Jaeteuk Happy to be a neutral sounding board for you :)