Staying Unstuck

Goal

To learn how to use values as a means to staying unstuck.

Values as a Direction (Hayes, p. 155)

Moving toward your values will help you to stay unstuck. In a nutshell, values are what you want your life to be about. Values are vitalizing, uplifting, and empowering. They are also a direction. Say we are driving heading east. Sometimes we cannot go perfectly due east. We may have to go southeast or northeast to stay on the path, but it still takes us in the direction of east. Keep in mind that values are a journey, not a destination and that values are intentional. We have to work towards moving east, but we can never obtain “east” because east is not an object to be had.

Values Are Not Goals (Hayes, p. 159)

Goals are concrete achievable events, situations, or objects. They can be completed, possessed, or finished. Goals often get confused with directions (values). Many people naturally become depressed following obtaining a degree, getting married, or being promoted at work. If getting a degree is an end in itself, there is likely to be an enormous loss of life direction immediately after graduation. If the person sought a degree so he could help others, immediately after getting the degree, he can still feel vitalized if he remains focused on the value (helping others) rather than the goal (obtaining a degree in social work).

Values Are Not Feelings (Hayes, p. 159)

Feelings can alert us when we are living in accord with our values, or when we are living in opposition to them. Feelings are things we have; values are directions (remember: we cannot obtain “east”). Values are NOT doing what feels good. Consider this example:

A person really values being close to others, but when he takes steps in that direction, he feels frightened and vulnerable. He hates that feeling, so he uses drugs or alcohol again. If this person stops using and begins to walk in a valued direction, he won’t “feel good” anytime soon. He will feel frightened and vulnerable. Thus, walking in a valued direction may not feel good for this person, but it will result in a more fulfilling life.

Values Are Not Outcomes (Hayes, p. 160)

Going “east” involves every step toward moving east, not just one in particular. Your values themselves are the ‘outcome’ you are looking for, and you get to have that ‘outcome’ nowbecause those values empower the process of living now. Having a direction allows a coherent trip to be taken, and it is the trip that is actually worthwhile. Your life becomes empowered by your values.

Response-ability Related to Values (Hayes, pp. 161-162, 171)

Values involve response-ability; that is, acknowledging that you always have the ability to respond. The response you can always engage in is valuing, even when there is little you can currently do in a specific situation to make your values manifest. Keep in mind that no one always lives according to their values. When you feel guilt or shame at your limitations, it is time to use your defusion/mindfulness skills to acknowledge what your mind is telling you in those moments. You can also use your acceptance skills to acknowledge the pain that comes in those moments. Then, you can choose to reconnect with your chosen directions so that you can once again begin moving in the direction you choose to move. Values are always perfect; it’s our behavior that needs work.

Identifying Your Values

To begin clarifying what your values are, ask yourself, “What do I want my life to be about?” and consider these domains:

• Marriage/couple/intimate relationship
• Parenting
• Family relations (other than intimate relations/parenting)
• Friendship/social relations
• Career/employment
• Education/training/personal growth and development
• Recreation/leisure
• Spirituality
• Citizenship
• Health/physical well-being

What I Value Most in Life Exercise

Instructions: Some of our behaviors do not match what we value most in life. For example, some people value relationships, yet they withdraw from those they love. On the left-hand side, write what you value most in life. This might include your children, your job, or even your self-respect. Then, on the right, write down any ways in which your behavior has supported or interfered with that which you value.

Next Step

Watch the following video about keeping important things important:

References

Hayes, S. C. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life: The new Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Luoma, J., Hayes, S. C., & Walser, R. D. (2007). Learning ACT: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy skills-training manual for therapists. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.