Dealing With Attachment Anxiety

Goal

To decrease attachment avoidance.

Introduction

If you’ve identified that you experience attachment avoidance, complete the relevant exercises in this lesson.

Naming Social Fears Exercise (Narang, pp. 72-73)

Instructions: Everybody has social fears. With attachment avoidance, the nature of those fears often revolves around not being enough for others, such that they would not want or need you because your performance is not up to standard. Being preoccupied by being good at things is often based on an assumption that if others do not need you but do know you for who you are, they would not see much there or wouldn’t like what they see. This is why those with attachment avoidance can be exceptionally private with anything remotely personal, though upon finding somebody they allow themselves to trust, they may almost compulsively “tell all” in order to at last meet the pent-up need for somebody to know them. This can create a wide divide between one’s public self and private self-leaving you feeling unknown by others. Reflect on these questions:

1. What is your biggest social fear (e.g., being rejected, disrespected, ignored, mocked, not measuring up in some way, feeling humiliated about not knowing how to connect, etc.)?
2. If that fear came true, what do you imagine is the worst thing that could happen to you?
3. If the fear comes true, how will you go about recovering?
4. Do you fear turning in a less than strong performance? If so, how do you fear others’ opinions of you would change if you began to falter in the standards you have set for yourself?
5. If you find yourself fearing being unneeded and wind up helping others compulsively, consider this: If nobody was highly dependent on you, what is it about you that would keep them coming back? If you currently feel the answer is nothing, how do you want to change your view about your value so that you can answer this question differently a year from now?
6. What types of safety do you need from yourself and from a relationship that make it easier to share your true thoughts and feelings with another person? What is within your control in building that safety you need in order to be freer and to truly be yourself?
7. If you want to further develop your own qualities that bond others to you over time, even when they generally need little from you, what is your next step?

Letting Your Guard Down Exercise (Narang, pp. 76-77)

Instructions: Consider whether or not your guard is up with others. If someone rejected you, for example, is there somebody you would soon call to discuss your pain with? If you got a bad performance evaluation at work, or received a low grade in school, is there a specific person you would turn to in order to talk about it? The key word here is “would” versus “could.” If you are least likely to talk to somebody at the very moment you need to, that’s a good indicator your guard is up. If your guard is up, you likely regularly miss opportunities to connect with others in meaningful ways.

Your greatest social fear, identified in the last exercise, is likely a big cheerleader for keeping your guard up in order to keep others out. You need to gradually face your fear with those you find trustworthy. Consider these questions:

1. How and with whom can you take small risks to face your greatest social fear?
2. If you get hurt, and those risks don’t happen to produce the results you want on the first try, what would you say to both encourage and comfort yourself so that you might later feel willing to experiment some more?
3. Letting down your guard basically means being more spontaneous with your thoughts, feelings, and reactions in the moment, dialing down your filter a bit so your speech and actions increase in genuineness and authenticity. In so doing, others get to know you better. It means risking some negative social reaction to you as well as knowing how to pick yourself up if your speech/behavior is poorly received. Who in your life is a good model, striking the balance between spontaneity and reserve that you would like to cultivate in yourself?
4. Socializing involves connecting with others, but also tolerating internal tensions created by ambiguity, as you are never fully in somebody else’s mind. You never know if somebody may judge you, say something diminishing, or otherwise hurt you. In fact, being social includes the willingness to be hurt, knowing that you can cope with and recover from pain. Your “plan” to avoid pain is your biggest obstacle. What has been your own “plan” (e.g., “I’ll say little so I can’t be judged/disliked,” “I’ll be funny so others will like me,” or “I’ll make it clear to others that I’m powerful and good at things so that I’ll feel safe”)?
5. Knowing that your “plan” to avoid pain may have some utility but inhibits your spontaneity when overused, how can you loosen your grip on it when in a social situation?

Communication Exercise (Narang, p. 79)

{{_ 'Instructions: Do you find yourself speeding through interactions even when you would actually like to get to know the other person better? Perhaps you frequently jump ahead to find the functional purpose of the conversation or finish others’ sentences aloud or in your mind. A purpose you may miss is that the value in some conversations is to get to know the person in front of you and let them get to know you. To slow down and let yourself be known, you may need to find a way to contain the anxiety that this slowing down may cause.'}}

Many people find the following tips helpful when trying to get to know others:

• Looking gently at the other’s eyes at times
• Remembering the other person is friendly and not heavily evaluating you (unless proven otherwise)
• Continuing to breathe
• Getting curious about the other person
• Getting curious about what it feels like to connect with the person

Try doing these things the next time you have an opportunity to get to know someone, and then consider these questions:

1. What was the hardest thing about staying present in the conversation?
2. What were you anxious about when you slowed down to stay in the conversation?
3. What helped you manage the anxiety so you could stay a little longer in the conversation?

Next Step

Watch the following video to learn how to take your communication skills up a notch through active listening: