Blueturtle1111 Member Profile

Anyone else need constant stimulation?

Personality Disorders Support / by Blueturtle1111

August 15th, 2024

...See more Hello everyone, I hope everything is going well for you all! I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the correct form, but it's the best I can think of. My psychiatrist doesn't want to officially diagnose me with it, but she's having me be treated for BPD, which is why I've decided too post this here. Recently, I've noticed just how empty, and numb I feel if I don't have constant stimulation. Don't get me wrong, I usually feel empty underneath everything else, but it gets much worse pretty much the moment I don't constantly have something that I find mentally/emotionally stimulating. Recently, I've been getting over an obsession I had over someone, so this emptiness is hitting me 10 times harder since if that makes sense? I'm not sure what to do. I've tried throwing myself into hobbies, and trying out new things, but I get bored of them very quickly after being incredibly invested in them which is a bit crushing. I'm have issues finding something that sticks right now, and I can feel myself slowly falling down into a hole. I can't tell whether or not this is a sign I'm moving forward, or if I'm falling back down. Does anyone have any advice?

Possible repressed memory.

Trauma Support / by Blueturtle1111

August 12th, 2024

...See more Hello everyone, I hope today is treating you all well! I'm not quite sure where to begin as my brain has been a complete mess the past few day's. I genuinely am not able to talk about this with anyone else I know as of right now, and I really need to get this off my chest. I'm hoping posting here will help. Let me say first that my dad was abusive growing up. He was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive. He displayed predatory behaviors as well. There's this memory I have, and I'm worried he may be somehow involved in it. I told a therapist about it when I was younger, and didn't think much of it at the time, but she seemed concerned. She asked me if I had any men in the house, and was very uncomfortable when I said my dad. Now that I'm older, I'm concerned too. The details are very fuzzy, but I'm gonna do my best too explain this. Growing up me and my sister shared a room, and one night I woke up in the middle of the night with shorts on, but no underwear on underneath. I later on found them in my bed, but the most disturbing part is that when my mom came into the room(I don't remember why, or how. All I can remember is that she did) we discovered that my sister didn't have any on either. We never found hers. I remember that things felt "off" in my private area in a way I didn't understand at the time because I was so young, and I realize now as an adult that my private area felt "off" in a way it shouldn't have. It's still something I can feel whenever I think about everything. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it. I woke up feeling very wired, and disoriented in a way that I never had before as a kid, and just felt overall off. I don't remember falling asleep that night, and I don't remember the next morning. All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night, and the details I've shared. One of the worst parts is that I don't doubt he would do something. To put this into perspective, there were incidents I don't feel comfortable sharing that resulted in me sleeping with self defense tools next too me as I got older. I've tried so hard to forget it, but I just can't. It always comes back. The cycle goes like this; The memory pops up, I can't stop thinking about it and can't shake a deep gut feeling, I become defensive and tell myself that would never have happened, I dissociate, I forget again, then the cycle repeats. I've started chatting about it with a therapy bot (I hope that doesn't sound silly) over the past few days, and I've started to feel so disconnected. It's weird because I haven't experienced this level of dissociation for years till now. I'm trying not to jump too conclusions, and am scared of forming false memories, but something feels very wrong about this and always has. I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Am I being to sensitive?

Eating Disorder Support / by Blueturtle1111

July 10th, 2024

...See more Hello everyone, I hope all is well for you all today. I just want too get some insight on this since I'm wondering whether or not I'm being too sensitive. My sister said that I'm not, but I'm not sure. Just yesterday, me and my siblings were playing a card game together, and one of the cards was "eating disorders." It was a card my brother had, and the whole time he put it down, he was making direct eye contact with me with a smirk on his face. He knows about my history with eating issues, and his intentions with that card made it clear that he was making a "joke" out of it. It was obvious I was hurt, and I told him that was kind of mean to do, but he ignored me, and just kept smirking at me. I think he was being petty because I had beat him in the round before that, so he went to hit me where he knew it'd hurt. Too be honest, I nearly cried because I've been hurting a lot lately, and I'm struggling to eat today now. My sister was there, and stuck up for me, telling him it was wrong, and to not do that. Of course, his response was that he doesn't care, and that it was just a "joke." I'm trying to give him grace since he's 14, but he knows about my history with eating issues as I've shared it with him. Recently, he's become one of those stereotypical "It's just a joke, you're too sensitive" type of teenage boy's who makes awful, deeply hurtful, and bigoted joke's, so me and him aren't on good terms right now, and talking with him is useless right now. I'm not sure whether or not that information is relevant, but I just wanted to show why talking with him is pointless, and would only hurt me more. I guess I just wanted to know if I'm being to sensitive or not. Is my mind just blowing this out of proportion? Or am I justified in being upset?

I need some help sorting this out.

Trauma Support / by Blueturtle1111

July 7th, 2024

...See more Hello everyone! I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right thread, but it's the best one that I can think of since I know my behavior results from trauma. Recently, I've figured out that I may have issues with control in some way. When I say control I don't mean that I feel the need to control everything about someone. That's the last thing I want to do. I've been in several situations where someone has tried to control everything about me, and would never wish that on anyone. I respect people as their own person, and would never try to take that away from them. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but my biggest form of control I've realized is taking care of things, and I don't specifically mean people. Taking care of anything (plants, animals, people, etc) makes me feel OVERALL in control, but I'm not sure as to why it makes me feel that way. I don't take care of things, and people specifically for control. It's something that I genuinely enjoy doing, and am always more than happy to do so. I'm not sure if this is important, but I was heavily relied on as a caretaker growing up, so it has always been my first instinct too help. The thing is, I have issues with people returning that energy, and taking care of me, to the point where it can make me agitated if they keep pushing. It's not that I feel like I don't deserve it (at least not for the most part) I hope I don't sound conceited, but I know that I do. I guess that I feel that having someone take care of me takes away my power. I've had people hold what they've done for me over my head my whole life, which I definitely think plays a factor in my feelings. I'm not quite sure how to word it, but it's more I feel like they're taking away my power, and control when they try to, and I really struggle with asking for help. I definitely think trust issues have a play in this as well because I don't trust anyone enough to definitely take care of me, and to make me let my guard down. Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any advice?

How do I build a sense of identity?

Personality Disorders Support / by Blueturtle1111

June 2nd, 2024

...See more Hello everyone, I hope today is treating you all well. A little while back I posted here searching for advice on bringing up the possibility of BPD with my new psychiatrist, and I had my appointment a little while back. She ended up bringing up that possibility before me, and said she wants to work through a diagnosis of BPD. Although it's not confirmed yet, she seemed very confident in her speculations, and deep down I have a feeling that as my appointments continue with her, I'll end up being diagnosed eventually. While I'm crushed about it, it feels good knowing that I'm finally being taken seriously, and am on the track of finding answers as to what's going on. Sorry, I just wanted to give a little bit of background information here before I get into the main reason I'm posting here, which is seeking advice on building a sense of self. For as long as I can remember my sense of self has been unstable. To be blunt, I feel like I have no purpose in life, and struggle to feel like a person. I don't know my goals, what I like, what I dislike, who I am, what I truly want, etc. I know a few things, which is a start, but not much. Even then there's a good chance that it can all be changed if I bond with a person because I tend to "mirror" them. I think I'm using that term correctly, I apologize if in not. I've tried to pick up new hobbies, explore new thing's, try new styles, etc, but nothing ever sticks. I get bored, lose motivation, and struggle to feel connected. I feel like I have a void inside me that I can't fill. The only time I've ever been able to sort of build a sense of self, is if I have someone to go off of, but of course that was never truly me, so when that connection ends, I crumble, and am back at square one. For the past couple of months I've been obsessed with someone who admittedly, as embarrassed and ashamed I feel to admit this, I barely know, and have lost myself completely. It stared to fade for a moment, but now it's back. I've tried so hard to get over my obsession, but it just won't stop. I had a little bit of sense of who I was before this, but since I've started obsessing I've completely lost it. It's exhausting, I'm terrified, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm not sure why I started obsessing over them again, especially since usually when an obsession fades, I tend to stop caring about the person completely. I think it might be because I started to lose my sense of purpose as this obsession faded, and my mind panicked because I had nothing else to find it again if that makes sense? I felt that void coming back, and needed something to fill it, but didn't have anything else I guess? I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well, but to sum it up, I don't feel like a person, and don't feel like I have a purpose unless I have someone I can build myself off of. I just can't seem to build an identity by myself. I'm sorry, I don't mean to talk like people as if they're objects, because I know they're not, and I don't mean it that way. I'm just struggling with wording this because I'm still trying to figure everything out. I'm in a lot of pain right now. I feel lost, and don't know what to do to fix this. Does anyone have any advice?

Support for cutting off an abusive parent.

Trauma Support / by Blueturtle1111

May 27th, 2024

Really struggling right now

Eating Disorder Support / by Blueturtle1111

May 11th, 2024

How do I talk with my psychiatrist about the possibility of BPD?

Personality Disorders Support / by Blueturtle1111

May 5th, 2024

...See more Hello everyone! For starters I'd just like to get it out there what I'm by no means self-diagnosing here, I merely have suspicions about the possibility of having BPD, which my past therapist, and loved ones suspect as well. Big issue is, I'm terrified of talking about it (Just a heads up, this is going to be long, and is everywhere at points.) I feel a lot of shame for the way I think, and the way that I feel. I wanna start with my relationships first. They've never been stable to say the least as it's been a constant up and down, especially since I attract harmful people. One moment, I love said person, specifically love intrests, then I hate them, and I mean genuinely despise them. I go from "I love you so much, you mean everything to me", to " I don't know why I thought I ever needed you. You're horrible, I hate you more than anything, you repulse me. I don't even know why I keep you around." I've never said these things out loud because I know how much it would hurt the person, so I keep it to myself. At those time's I come off as standoffish, and distance myself for a bit so I don't lash out. This has become a constant cycle, and at some points I've almost cut off people because of the hatred I felt at that time. Usually this happens when I feel rejected, or like the person is going to leave. I feel very distraught, and desperate then even if I have no reason to feel abandoned/rejected. It's a mix of hatred, a bit of self entitlement because I've changed everything about myself just for them, terror, hatred, sadness, and more. I've had panic attacks over the idea of being rejected/abandoned, and have admittedly done things to harm myself in order to keep the person around. I also have a tendency to shower them with love, and praises if I start to feel rejected/abandoned in order to make sure they don't leave. Just like the constant "I love you, I hate you" cycle, I've never told the person that this is revolving around that I've hurt myself "because" of them, or that I'd hurt myself if they left me because I know it'd deeply hurt them for the rest of their life. I've had that done to me, and know how much it hurts. I have a tendency to form really strong obsessions. As embarrassing as this is, I've formed strong obsessions with people I hardly know, have only seen once, and/or have never once interacted with. They become all I think about, I build a whole fantasy world with them, and I'll start to change myself to what I think they'd like more even if I've never interacted with them, and won't see them again. It's a full blown obsession which lasts till I find another person. It makes me feel so ashamed of myself. This especially happens if I form a bond with a person. Specifically, a love interest. I wanna elaborate more on me changing myself for others. It's not intentional. I change myself into what I think they'd like most in order for them to love me/keep them around. I feel like I'm constantly playing a character, and this "character" can completely change depending on who I'm around because I pick up on their traits, personality, interests, and much more. I have a fragile sense of my identity to begin with, and utterly lose it in relationships. If you were too ask me who I am, what I like, what I dislike, what I want too do, etc, I couldn't tell you. Honestly, I only "know" when I have a romantic partner, but of course, that's only what I think they want, so that's what I become. It's not who I really am, and when they leave, I fall apart again. The next thing I wanna talk about is my emotions/mood swings, oh my god, the mood swings. I go from feeling insanely happy, downright dangerous to myself, suffocatingly anxious, deep numbness, then furious very fast. To give some perspective of how severe they are, I have bipolar disorder, which makes this more confusing, and the mood swings are so bad that I think I'm in an episode. The thing is, they don't last long enough too be an episode because they last for minutes, hours, or a day or two which isn't long enough to be an episode. It's a mess. The worst is my anger. I get agitated so fast it's unbelievably at times. I don't typically lash out because I usually hide somewhere I can be alone to calm down, but it's noticeable. I'm good at keeping it under control, but not much so when it comes to managing it if that makes sense? The most frustrating part is that I feel nothing despite feeling everything at the same time. I've always described it as having a hollow core, but feeling absolutely everything flesh up. I have a long past of engaging in self destructive/impulsive tendencies (self harm, attempts on my life, eating disorders, substance issues, etc), and struggle with severe dissociation as well. There's much more, but this is already pretty long. It's all very confusing, and I know that if I don't get help, this is going to kill me. I feel lost right now. I want too get help, but I'm terrified too because I don't know what others will think of me. I'm very good at hiding all of this to the point where people are shocked when I tell them about this all, but it's tearing me apart on the inside. I wanna talk too my psychiatrist, but I don't know how.

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