Possible repressed memory.

Hello everyone, I hope today is treating you all well! I'm not quite sure where to begin as my brain has been a complete mess the past few day's. I genuinely am not able to talk about this with anyone else I know as of right now, and I really need to get this off my chest. I'm hoping posting here will help.

Let me say first that my dad was abusive growing up. He was verbally, emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive. He displayed predatory behaviors as well. There's this memory I have, and I'm worried he may be somehow involved in it. I told a therapist about it when I was younger, and didn't think much of it at the time, but she seemed concerned. She asked me if I had any men in the house, and was very uncomfortable when I said my dad. Now that I'm older, I'm concerned too.

The details are very fuzzy, but I'm gonna do my best too explain this. Growing up me and my sister shared a room, and one night I woke up in the middle of the night with shorts on, but no underwear on underneath. I later on found them in my bed, but the most disturbing part is that when my mom came into the room(I don't remember why, or how. All I can remember is that she did) we discovered that my sister didn't have any on either. We never found hers.

I remember that things felt "off" in my private area in a way I didn't understand at the time because I was so young, and I realize now as an adult that my private area felt "off" in a way it shouldn't have. It's still something I can feel whenever I think about everything. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just don't feel comfortable talking about it.

I woke up feeling very wired, and disoriented in a way that I never had before as a kid, and just felt overall off. I don't remember falling asleep that night, and I don't remember the next morning. All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night, and the details I've shared. One of the worst parts is that I don't doubt he would do something. To put this into perspective, there were incidents I don't feel comfortable sharing that resulted in me sleeping with self defense tools next too me as I got older.

I've tried so hard to forget it, but I just can't. It always comes back. The cycle goes like this; The memory pops up, I can't stop thinking about it and can't shake a deep gut feeling, I become defensive and tell myself that would never have happened, I dissociate, I forget again, then the cycle repeats.

I've started chatting about it with a therapy bot (I hope that doesn't sound silly) over the past few days, and I've started to feel so disconnected. It's weird because I haven't experienced this level of dissociation for years till now. I'm trying not to jump too conclusions, and am scared of forming false memories, but something feels very wrong about this and always has. I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.