BrokenWingFlight Member Profile

Finding things I wrote

Newbie Hub / by BrokenWingFlight

September 16th, 2021

Looking for answers

Trauma Support / by BrokenWingFlight

September 15th, 2021

...See more How do you go about finding answers? A therapist, a counselor? A diagnosis for what actually wrong with your brain? And most importantly, how to fix the darned thing? TW TW TW child abuse Domestic violence Suicide I spent life growing up ostracized from my siblings by my parents. I was the Cinderella with no fairy godmother and no ball to meet prince charming. My siblings could get away with murder while I was routinely beaten ssenseless. Mom just stood by and watched as dad hit me. You'd swear I was the mailman kid or something if you only looked at how differently we were treated After living with a violent room mate I moved back to this. My dad was less violent, but my brother took over. My sister threatened me with child abuse allegations if I were to stand up for myself in the slightest. She regularly encouraged suicide and talked ao how much better life would be if I were dead. Anytime I asked my parents to intervene, it was my fault and I deserved it. I moved out, and into a domestic violence situation. I do have triggers and panic attacks and nightmares from stuff my family did. He exploited those at every opportunity. I've had a couple friends commit suicide and had my own handful of attempts. He admitted to threatening suicide to gain pity and manipulate me. He gaslit me and intentionally triggered me so he could be my hero while being a terrible human. Point is, I know my brain is broken. I've seen some garbage and while I like to pretend I'm fine, I'm not. I haven't more than 4 hours in the last 4 nights because I keep having these wicked dreams. I haven't had a real hug in years. Anything more than a halfa***** side hug has me in a mental breakdown crying in a panic for hours because of how many times I've been picked up thrown around and strangled. I'm paranoid of most people being dangerous, don't fully trust the ones I do trust. I struggle to maintain healthy relationships, don't have any idea on how healthy boundaries work, overshare and over explain better than the news. And I don't know how to fix any of it. I know it's not normal. I recognize that I have a broken brain from people breaking me and I just want it to be not broken anymore. I just want to be back how I was before I realized how F'd up my life was. Thus last time I moved back home ripped the lid off everything I had stuffed down inside and blocked off. And the lid wont go back on and life just keeps getting worse. The longer I don't do anything the more paranoid and anxious I become. I just want to know how to fix it all.

24/7 questions

Newbie Hub / by BrokenWingFlight

September 4th, 2021

Using continued Isolation as a Defense When unnecessary

Trauma Support / by BrokenWingFlight

September 7th, 2021

...See more I don't know all the rules yet. I'm new to this, but I'm struggling. TRIGGER WARNINGS Child abuse Suicide Animal abuse Domestic Violence I feel like I bounce from one abuse to another. And I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm too far in. And if it's not bouncing between abuse it's total isolation. First it was childhood physical and emotional abuse as well as a healthy dose of neglect. In the name of taking care of my siblings everything important to me was sidelined because I was the black sheep for some unknown reason. Then my first bout with domestic violence in the form of a cruddy room mate. I dealt with everything up to her trying to drug my food and a blatant admission of abusing my dog. Having no other option I moved back to family for some continued childhood trauma. Physical violence from a brother, gaslighting manipulation and threats of unfounded legal trouble from my sister, and continued violence from my father. I did the homeless thing and wen to my isolation of me and my dog for a couple months. Once I got back under a roof the first thing I d was get into another domestic violence situation with a new boyfriend. The relationship ended with a month of threatened suicide every time I turned around. If I was out late if I was in early. Anything and everything. When I tried to reestablish contact with any of my family after a couple years of no contact, my abusive sister used her own alleged issues as a reason that I should forgive her and then started right up again with her antics. The only time I am safe is in isolation. I have 2 friends that live hours away. And that's it. And they're in different timezones so I rarely have any interaction outside work. I just don't know how to learn to trust again. And I don't know how to thrive safely without being completely isolated. Does anyone else have issues with forming anysort of relationships that are safe? I don't know if I've ever had any safe relationship that has been anything more than a coworker or superficial aquaitence.

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