Looking for answers

How do you go about finding answers? A therapist, a counselor? A diagnosis for what actually wrong with your brain? And most importantly, how to fix the darned thing?

TW TW TW

child abuse

Domestic violence

Suicide

I spent life growing up ostracized from my siblings by my parents. I was the Cinderella with no fairy godmother and no ball to meet prince charming. My siblings could get away with murder while I was routinely beaten ssenseless. Mom just stood by and watched as dad hit me. You'd swear I was the mailman kid or something if you only looked at how differently we were treated

After living with a violent room mate I moved back to this. My dad was less violent, but my brother took over. My sister threatened me with child abuse allegations if I were to stand up for myself in the slightest. She regularly encouraged suicide and talked ao how much better life would be if I were dead. Anytime I asked my parents to intervene, it was my fault and I deserved it.

I moved out, and into a domestic violence situation. I do have triggers and panic attacks and nightmares from stuff my family did. He exploited those at every opportunity. I've had a couple friends commit suicide and had my own handful of attempts. He admitted to threatening suicide to gain pity and manipulate me. He gaslit me and intentionally triggered me so he could be my hero while being a terrible human.

Point is, I know my brain is broken. I've seen some garbage and while I like to pretend I'm fine, I'm not. I haven't more than 4 hours in the last 4 nights because I keep having these wicked dreams. I haven't had a real hug in years. Anything more than a halfa***** side hug has me in a mental breakdown crying in a panic for hours because of how many times I've been picked up thrown around and strangled. I'm paranoid of most people being dangerous, don't fully trust the ones I do trust. I struggle to maintain healthy relationships, don't have any idea on how healthy boundaries work, overshare and over explain better than the news. And I don't know how to fix any of it.

I know it's not normal. I recognize that I have a broken brain from people breaking me and I just want it to be not broken anymore. I just want to be back how I was before I realized how F'd up my life was. Thus last time I moved back home ripped the lid off everything I had stuffed down inside and blocked off. And the lid wont go back on and life just keeps getting worse. The longer I don't do anything the more paranoid and anxious I become.

I just want to know how to fix it all.