Letting Go
I don't know where to begin. I had a group of 4 friends, myself included. Slowly, it got to be that me & 1 of the friends became close, while the other 2 were close. It became very apparent that the other 2 were very clicky-Me & the other friend felt very much like outcasts. There would be long periods where those 2 would not talk to me & my other friend, then when they 'needed' something, they would start talking to me again. It was usually if they needed a ride. (to help, I am re-naming these 2 friends to Joy & Scarlett) Both of them were/are catty. Joy is more the leader, while Scarlett is definitely a follower who tries to act like Joy, but just really is acting *** & tries to be bossy & in control. Joy always seems to gossip (¬ in a good way) about everyone else in the group-like when she's with me, she will bad talk Scarlett & our other friend...saying how she never hears from our other friend, & how Scarlett is always complaining about the same things, or that she did this or that. Then, when she is with Scarlett, I am sure she says bad things about me & our other friend, & when she is with our other friend (which isn't very often anymore), she bad talks Scarlett & me. They continuously have kept me & our other friend down-when I am deemed worthy enough to be invited along with them, they have they're own conversations & when asked about it, 'oh, <they'll> tell me later' or 'it's nothing'. Our other friend & myself constantly feel left out, like we're a 3rd wheel or hired help (who don't get paid) & are expected to be in the background, not say anything. Right before COVID, Joy had a barrage of things happening in her life all at the same time. So, again, she ghosted me for months. (She has a habit of doing this to only me-when a lot comes up in her life, not related to or caused by me, she will shut me out of her life, no warning, just start ignoring me, & historically, I would basically have to crawl & beg her to let me back in, & she would always say its not me, but I was the only one being 'punished' for it) We worked at the same business, in different departments, but, she would not acknowledge me at all (not even just a hello), if I had a work related question-she wouldn't answer her extension (would make the person who was working with her answer it. Even if it wasn't me-she wouldn't answer, because it was coming from the area I worked in, which made our grumpy manager angry, & only made herself look bad). After many months of turmoil, & devastation on my end (I just don't get how a 'best friend' could treat a supposed best friend like that under any circumstance, especially if that friend didn't do anything wrong, did contribute in any way to what she was going through), I finally started to come through on the other end of this on my end (meaning I was working through it, through the stages of grief, hurt, being mad, all the feelings, & was starting to heal & move on, & face my life without this 'best friend'). Only THEN, she started talking to me again, it was small at first, & believe you me, I was shocked & was reluctant to even talk to her at all. So, I was polite, but defensive. I would ONLY talk to her IF she spoke to me first, & I would ONLY say the bare minimum. If she said hi, I would say hi back, if she asked how I was doing, I was always fine, nothing more, no elaborating, just fine, if she asked about anyone else, they were fine. Then COVID hit, & I took a leave of absence due to me being 'high risk'. She texted me 1 whole time, at the beginning to ask if I was ok. I said I was fine, but just couldn't work because I did not want to chance getting sick. Never heard another word back from her. Almost a year & a half go by, she friend requests me on ***, then messages me on *** messenger asking how I am doing. I was very reluctant to let her back in my life, but I figured I could let her back in, but only so far. I was in a place that I felt strong, I had my eyes open-I was (& still am) prepared to let her go at any moment, I would talk to her if she talked to me, I was & am not going out of my way for her like I did before. So, move on to now, with Scarlett, who I have known for almost 40 years. With this whole president thing, Scarlett stopped talking to me, I texted her, *** messaged her asking what was wrong, nothing. After a couple messages, she messaged me back a picture that said 'you voted for this' I asked her, voted for what exactly? Long story short, 'Somebody' (her word, not mine, but I know exactly who it was) told her I voted for the current president. She did not come to me & ask me directly who I voted for. When I told her this, that she didn't come to me like an adult, & talk to ME about it, we had a partial conversation about it & I thought things were getting better, but I was wrong, now she has blocked me from Faceboook/*** messenger, she won't answer my text message-I assume she has blocked me there as well. She is still friends on *** with Joy & our other friend & is talking to both of them. While I can not confirm it, I know that Joy told her that I did-without knowing if I did or not. That is another side to Joy-she has to be the center of attention, & if there is not drama, then she will cause it herself. Because everything was going fine in all our lives, she had to create drama...& between 2 friends! I feel like Joy can't stand for people to be happy (most likely because she isn't happy with herself/her life) so she has to make everyone else miserable. Now, I have lost yet another friend due to this person. I am, again, grieving & having to work though the loss of another friend (who is still alive) because Joy can't stand people being happy, has to start drama/fights, & then, Scarlet, instead of acting like an adult, & going directly to the source just decided that I must be the worst type of person & has decided to unfriend me. So, once again, I am the odd one out, & I did not do anything wrong. I am being 'punished' for no reason, not even given the chance to say that I did not do anything. Well, I hope this process will go easier this time-it still hurts like a b*tch (sorry for saying a bad word) but I will make it through again.
@DarkFairy0316
I first want to address your incredible memory, knack for picking up on subtle details and nuance, and your honesty in reflection. These traits will take you further than you could know.
My memory is so bad that I literally cannot contain the amount of information you've delivered, I can only rely on how this made me feel and give feedback based on that.
It sounds like other people's unhappiness is driving them to cause others to feel the same. I don't believe there is any fault in you, this is very much a them problem. Don't blame yourself or engage in negative self-talk, you seem to only want things to be good. You're forgiving and truly kind because of that.
You could try having an honest conversation with them about how they're making you feel. That way, their reaction can serve as a catalyst for choice. If they're receptive and can understand the hurt they're causing, they're worth giving a shot. But if they gaslight you and disregard your feelings, then you have a decision to make.
It's not your responsibility to heal others, but every human has such capacity. It takes time and patience, a gentle and kind heart, and utmost honesty. Healing takes place in productive reflection, and can be a collaborative process. But it requires all parties involved to have a genuine interest in seeking resolution. Sometimes, people just aren't ready for that kind of thing.
You have a lot of information to work with to inform your decisions, but you lack one crucial piece: are they ready to change? Do they currently have the capacity to meet you where you are?
You could also choose to continue as you have been, not fully addressing the issue for the sake of social cohesion. It's a perfectly valid choice.
You have options. But remember: you do not have to expend yourself for people who won't appreciate it.
@cyanessence Thank you for all that you have said. I have been mulling over these exact things. We have been friends for so long, I am finding it hard to think of letting go. And, part of that is, also, the fact that my boyfriend lives with one of them, & is friends with said person. This same person, as I have mentioned, will shut me out, then will magically show back up & act like nothing happened, & say that she wasn't mad at me, & that I did nothing wrong. The other person, the one I've been friends with the longest, this is the first time she has done this to me, & she blocked me on ***, F/B Messenger, & is not answering my text messages-which is telling me that this should be my answer (no answer is an answer). I would have been willing (& made it known that I was willing) to talk to her openly about it, & she seemed receptive to that too, then, within about 2 weeks, I was blocked on F/b, F/B messenger, & have not received a text message back. I don't foresee these two 'not being a part of my life' per-say, but I don't feel the need to have a relationship like we used to. I was devastated with the one 'friend' shut me out right before COVID, & while I am saddened by this friend doing this now, I feel like what you said about other people's unhappiness is exactly what keeps happening with both of them towards me-they are unhappy with something either inside them, or with their lives, & they are taking it out on me & our other friend, & treating like sh*t. After going through that trauma once, I am feeling stronger about this-I feel like I need to move on, & if she does decide to come back, I'm not sure that I will be so welcoming again. I have to protect myself. Again-thank you so much for your reply, I thought I wasn't making any sense with all the back & forth.
