Ramblings before the brain flicker switch breaks and the darkness prevails
Trigger warning for anything. I don't recommend reading this. I am old and my brain flickers often, kind of a reset thing. Sometimes I "come to" or focus and I have no idea where I am or who I am. Sometimes it's only for a few seconds and somethings become recognizable, sometimes not so much. I have reminder lists of certain things that sometimes help, sometimes it makes things more confusing. I think I have trashed these lists in the past in my frustration.
At this point , it seems that things have changed to the point that I must have been scared of how bad things were getting with the flickers. I am off work until testing and such can be done to minimize driving, unfortunately I have a few times yet of driving before I can give it up . A few of these appointments included. Until I can somehow navigate this messed up life I am stuck in.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I'm sorry you are struggling.
And I hope that you navigate as best as you can through this 💚🤗
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Oh no. I am genuinely so sorry that you’re struggling so much. I am sending you lots of love, support, friendship, hugs, and support in hopes and wishes that you will get through this difficult time as I believe you will. Best of luck to you!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Amanda84
@akunknown
Thank you for your kindness. Unfortunately this is not something that is going to get better. Cognitive decline is progressively getting the upper hand in the struggle over the switch for my brain.
I do appreciate your kindness and well wishes.
Thank you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I'm truly sorry to hear that 💚
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
True story that I hope helps you to see that cognitive decline can’t stop you if you don’t let it: My great grandmother has severe cognitive decline bc of her age but she is still functioning and living normally well. And when I asked her how she’s doing all this by herself even at her age despite cognitive decline, her answer was “Cognitive decline is normal as we all get older. Can’t stop it. Can’t prevent it. Can’t do anything about it. But to answer your question, it’s bc I practiced all I do so much that I’m able to do it no matter what happens including cognitive decline and getting older”
I'm so sorry, that's so hard... I hope you always remember how much we love you <3
My mind may forget but there may be something to the love thing because so far I've been able to find my way back here.
Your brain knows how to find love. <3
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
That is one of the most frightening feelings ever. I had to keep adapting, e.g. giving up driving, automating grocery deliveries. The only thing I could do about my emotions was to practice acceptance of my new and changing brain. I see and hear you. I hope you are surrounded IRL by people who love you.
On a lighter note, you wrote one of the best lines I have ever read on this website: "Trigger warning for anything. I don't recommend reading this. I am old" and I laughed (with you, not at you) because this is also me and everything I post. May I borrow your words? They are awesome! That's me too!
Peace, love and light
@placidNorth5654
Thank you for reaching out. The words I use belong to the human language not to me. Use whatever you wish to.
Before I permanently forget , I want to add a small escalation of the lightheaded part of my issues. It seemed to reach another level at some point earlier today. I was trying to take care of a relatively simple task, it happened to be outside in sub zero wind chill conditions.
I had a couple of new appliances delivered and due to my trust issues I had the delivery crew just leave them outside on the deck right outside my door. Other than unpacking them I had to remove the doors and hinges from the fridge to get through the door. Simple, not labor intensive. But within a matter of minutes I nearly collapsed on the deck, I think this was the worst it has been. I made it inside and collapsed on the bed for awhile and then tried again with similar results. I'm not sure how many times it took but finally got them inside.
I don't remember much else about this escalation of symptoms, other than possibly heart rate skyrocketed, not 100% sure about that but I think it was the case.
Testing was the scheduled things this week. Eye doctor and glaucoma testing. Neurological tests, something with a bunch of wires attached to my head. Somewhere in there was an MRI I think.
Of course, no root causes found and things are somehow worse. . The neurologist office had no concern whatsoever with letting me go while I was disoriented and dizzy. I wandered the parking lot for awhile until I recognized the vehicle I drove in. After I managed to get home I realized that whatever gunk they used in my hair for the wires was a matted mess.
I must've been a scary sight wandering around the parking lot. Hair matted and sticking up in scattered ways.
If it wasn't for the fact that something needs figured out so some kind of plan can be made.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hey, its ok, i know you must have felt embarrassed after realising your hair was matted, but it's ok.
I have PCOD (frankly, i'm a girl with a beard) and i ve been skipping classes because it's become BAD 😰. I don't pluck regularly cozy studies pressure but I know i will overcome this situation.
But hey, this ain't about me. Its about you 💛 and in very good way💛 You're winning. You got home in that car, even drove it. U got that shipment of appliances and you got them . U are getting by , despite everything. And that's AMAZING 👏 🤩. I'm cheering for you. 💪💪SLAAY ! 🥰. Dammit, i wish you were my friend.
I know you're life's tough; but you're tougher. You've proved it ! 💟 You showed up for yourself. So dont let temporary negative emotions get you, okay. They ain't worth it. You're so much better. I hope you have. Nice day ❤️❤️
@gregariousSquare298 Thank you for reaching out and your kind words.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Most welcome ☺️
I'm really questioning if scheduling all these appointments is worth following through with.
I know something needs figured out but between the physical strength fading, the dizziness, the added issue of eyesight getting rapidly worse, cognitive issues and everything else. I am not sure I can continue to "chase the rabbit" . These recent events have me spiraling, I can't keep things straight at all.
The situation with the neurologist office letting me leave in the condition I was in is kind of like a sign that chasing help is a waste of money, waste of my limited strengths with no hope for any positive outcomes.
The questionnaires that pop up and at the end of them they ask why you are here and want you to pick one thing out of a long list of possibilities. The problem I have is that I could easily mark a good majority of them as a reason, with all of them of equal importance. Just choosing one seems like trying to label my entire laundry list of issues under a false general label that limits the reality that I struggle with. Not that it matters in the end.
How is it possible to have limited memories of recent events and still feel like I am ready to explode from overload and under capacity.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Maybe because of the emotions. I get this when I bottle up emotions to much. Suddenly one day I will feel horribly sad and cry even though nothing quite bad has happened that day.
Buying myself a treat in my safe space helps when that happens 😋🍫. I think you can try something to release negative emotions, even if you dont remember what caused them
@gregariousSquare298
Thank you
