Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .
Trigger warning for many things, not sure of specifics until I write it down
I think I have other writings here …. somewhere…that are similar. Possibly with the same content, intention and purpose. Documentation of my issues and decline so maybe after I am gone that it might help someone from having a “life” like mine.
First of all, I better write down something while I still have a few threads in my mind.
I had this dream/nightmare that seems real familiar but don’t know why. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much now since I insisted on writing the intro first.
I was living in a huge house, or maybe I was just really small? There were other people there but I have now forgotten what they looked like . For some reason there were these long electrical cords with plug pigtails every foot or so connected all over the house. These cords are identical to ones I periodically use in my real world job. Well this was pointless, I have now forgotten everything I was trying to remember to write down here.
But, then again it’s what has become my normal daily routine. Forgetting everything from one step to the next.
I have a reminder board that helps try and guide me back to this community, making sure I know this is a safe place. I also have a highlighted note there that tells me to remember to not discuss certain topics here because of the fear of the current governments overreaching childish racist, prejudice behavior rolling back the positive acceptance and changes reached over the years and preaching hate masked as religion.
I also highlighted the personal things I shouldn’t discuss here because of that. I think even my personal doctor has given up on me because of the new legal landscape around this country. I looked at the notes left after my last visit and they were very blunt in what they stated. Plus she wanted me to schedule the next appointment six months from then. Which is an extremely long time from the normal times.
She is probably right though. Her final words are probably what is going to be my reality. She has really pushed me for going back to therapy and all that goes with that. I have resisted that for many reasons including the lifetime of doing all of that and still being the way I am. The reality is tgat I think not continuing that path and stumbling into this community was the better path. Especially considering everything happening in this country and around the world right now. Private information including medical information are being accessed by the people in power so that that information can be weaponized against us.
The freedom that we have been lucky enough to have for so long is being quickly stripped away and soon will be replaced with fear and control.
Sorry, I am rambling on about unrelated things. This was supposed to be a spot to write down things before they ho missing from my mind.
I will stop for now..
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
It's clear you have alot to get out!
It's ok to ramble.
To not make sense.
To not one hundred percent know what you want to or need to say.
It can be confusing.
Draining.
Overwhelming.
But getting it out nonetheless in a safe, quiet and non judgemental space .
It takes the intensity out of the feelings!
You will never be alone here!
💜💕
@Iamwhoiamwhoami keeping you in my thoughts
Since the people who I hire can’t seem to make it here to do the work, I was forced to start addressing the large pile of tree debris from the tornado and the massive pile of concrete that was my sidewalk (which still isn’t finished) . The majority of the tree pile is gone , still have the layer of small stuff that needs raked up. I eliminated a big portion of the concrete, including using my jackhammer to start breaking the massive sections up. If I can move tomorrow morning I will try and continue to jackhammer for awhile. Then try and mow my yard and then back to the concrete pile.
I’m afraid that I might put myself back into the same scenario I was in a year ago, but unfortunately I don’t have any other options but to do it myself and as quickly as possible. That cursed yearly weather season that begins with s***, is unfortunately coming again. Might be soon or maybe later, but once those piles get covered with that white stuff , the piles become a big problem for plows and snowblowers. Plus the piles are in a part of my driveway that is used for a place to pile the snow for the long winter season.
Like many places, the heat makes it miserable to do anything outside, much less something as physical as what I was doing. Yes, I did drink plenty of water.
Body movement issues are triggering flashbacks of a year ago struggling to just get from the bed to the bathroom by myself. My body is acting very similarly to that. I’m hoping I can get moving in the morning and get the pile broken up and hauled away , plus raking up the debris left at the base of both piles. Plus getting the lawn mowed. That way that part is all done and I can crawl into bed and cry and bellyache about the pain I am in while laying on ice packs.
Then I need to buy some lumber and build some steps to be able to get in and out of my house through winter. Still have to figure out what to do with the forms that are in place for the sidewalk. I don’t want to remove them but I need to do something to make it safer and less of a snow removal issue over winter.
Maybe add two more 75 foot runs of 2x4s and some 3/4” or 1” plywood to straddle the forms . A little spendy, probably a lot spendy considering sll the tariff nonsense going on. But I don’t know what else to do. Maybe pricing out paver stones or bricks, but that would all be scrapped before a new crew could reframe and pour concrete.
I know nobody’s really concerned about any of this but it all falls into the things I forget category.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hello, my dear dear friend😊
It's so good to see you. I wanted to give you maybe a suggestion for repairing your steps. These risers come with different numbers of steps and some 2x4. They are not very expensive. Maybe gravel, depending on how much concrete has to be replaced. I may be out of line making these suggestions.
I am my own DIY'er because I have to be❤️
@WorkingitThrough2
I appreciate the suggestions, thank you. I have always been one that would rather address things like this on my own. But due to my current situation physically I am forced to rely on others . Which is why this unfortunate situation is a difficult one for me.
The first group got a chunk of money that I wasn’t even considering on spending this year on this project until they showed up one day and proposed the idea. Now I have to scrounge up the money to pay someone else probably twice as much as the first crew estimated. Plus I don’t want to add too much to protect what was already done so I don’t have to have all that redone. Anything I add I will have to remove and not sure how much more my body will take.
The steps are a priority, I just need to pick up some lumber. Possibly will be able to reuse most of that lumber as forms for the steps.
Sorry for rambling on about my trivial issues.
Thanks again for the suggestions. You never overstep or out of line with me.
It’s nice to hear from you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Thank you. I totally get what you are saying. The same thing kind of happened to me, and now that my husband is deceased, they seem like vultures.❤️
I hope your body gets stronger. You take care.
@Tinywhisper11
@MyTwistedSoul I probably messed up the names , I know there are many other wonderful people I can’t remember their names but I just want to say I miss all of you so much. I hope you all are doing well. I love all of you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami theese are your close friends 💖 @mytwistedsoul @BlueDarkAurora @WorkingItThrough2 @Helgafy 💖
@Tinywhisper11 @Iamwhoiamwhoami Sending you lots of positive and healing vibes 💖
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey Iam ❤️ It's really nice to see you! You've been in my thoughts. I've missed seeing you around. You've been putting in a lot of hard work with the clean up. I know in some cases crews are pretty busy and on back order to get to things. I wish your neighbors were a little more community minded and would have helped you out. I hope you're not overdoing it and risking an injury but I know sometimes we have no choice and have to do what we have to do
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Friend Iam. Can you come to m y house today? I can make some coffee to drink and a cake with vanilla-cream. So we can sit and talk or watch something silly at my TV.
From Helga with eternal love.
@Helgafy
Right now I am picturing that very thing in my mind. Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I appreciate your honesty and for sharing these deep feelings. It seems like you’re going through a difficult and complex experience, and losing control over some things can be very exhausting. It’s wonderful that you’ve found this community as a safe space to express yourself. Remember, you’re not alone, and there are always people who care and understand how you feel 💚
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie 💖 I've missed your ramblings so very much 💖 your old post where you wrote down your thoughts and checked in with your friends was called Ramblings3 but making this new fresh post might be a good idea, a new start a new net of safety💖 you've had that dream before, but not with the electrical cords🤔 dreams can be scary 🙁 hugs you tightly 💖 a memory board is a great idea 💖 I'm so sorry about the way things are in your country🙁 I hope at least this site will continue to be a safe place for you 💖 I'm always here for you friend 💖 ready to give you giiiiiiantt hugs 💖
@Tinywhisper11 they still haven't finished your side walk😮😮😮 that's really bad. I know your user to doing everything alone and your good with your tools. But please please please do it slowly, bit by bit. I worry because I know how much pain you were in and how long you had to wait for surgery🙁 you were living a nightmare bless you🙁 I wish I was there to help you, to hug you to keep you safe 💖
@Tinywhisper11 I love you 💗
I love you too ð©·ð©·
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 💖💖💖💖💖
Thank you to all of you for your kindness and support.
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you for all of the reminder information, I am so grateful for your continued friendship and support. I love you, I think for now I will avoid adding the heart emojis because they only seem to populate with strange symbols.
The kindness shared with me here continues to strengthen the bond this community has created with me. Thank you to all of you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry I'll be using though heart emojis for the both of us😂😂💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Between yesterday and today, mixed with a sprinkling of pain meds, has allowed me to eliminate the preexisting tree debris and all but a small scattered area of small concrete pieces mixed with dirt. I will try and crawl out of bed in the morning to try and clean the last of that mess up.
The person that I had talked to during the aftermath of the tornado showed up today and began cutting down the two trees that unfortunately need to come down. I suppose they could technically be considered four trees since they are basically split trunks. They are going to try and be here in the morning to try and finish the job. I paid them in full today.
I did get the lawn mowed as well. I will try and pull the bed matt out of my personal truck and try and clean the bed out. I rarely use it and since I live in a small town on a dirt road, bathing it only occurs when it rains. There were little trees sprouting in the bed.
Then I should try and get the mount for the spare tire installed, only needs a few holes drilled. I just have to crawl in the bed to accomplish it. Probably should change the oil as well considering it’s probably been a couple years since the last one. But since my back gave out last year yesterday would’ve been the first time it left my driveway. That was for multiple trips only going about a half mile round trip each time taking the tree debris to the community burn pile for tree debris. So maybe five miles in over a year.
There are many other things that need done but it depends on the movement I can force myself to do. Probably the project I should try and continue is welding the hitch assembly on my homemade spraycart. Then drilling a few holes in it to add a few “safety “ bolts in case the welds break. I think I will stop planning too much for tomorrow, not sure if I will be able to do much considering the pain I am in now. Regardless I will have to try and address those few things tomorrow morning.
I wanted to write something else here but as usual like magic it disappeared.
I probably should try and pick up some lumber this week so I can get temporary steps built. Probably some extra 2x4s in case some of the framing for the sidewalk gets damaged when the other trees come down on them tomorrow.
Pain med I took is making me quite sleepy, so I think I better stop for now.
I don’t think I will be doing anything on the spraycart tomorrow. It is just a tiny bit buried in the garage. I definitely don’t think I will be unburying it tomorrow. I should but I would have to unbury it then rebury it when I am done and not sure how much more my body can take.
My doctor started me on a med to try and help lose weight. I think I was close to 300 pounds during the down months last year. Stepped on the scale today and I was 237. Not confident that if stopped taking meds that the weight would stay off. Got a long way to go but we will see.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Sounds like a plan. 
are going great to get all that done😊