Venting about trauma

It's been awhile a little while since I have been on 7cups. I took a month break to get my priorities straight but...now I'm back! I'm still trying to recover from some trauma and feel like venting a bit and what better place to do that than here? Some of this might not be in chronological order, however...I felt it was easier to categorize my thoughts in order to express what I want to say better.

:: Background ::
In terms of where my (diagnosed) PTSD came from -- I grew up in a dysfunctional household where my parents were physically and verbally abusive... I won't go into detail, but my mother has also SA me too while growing up. After I left the household at 18 years old, I was doing my own thing for many, many years. I've dealt with unhealthy friendships where they talked down on me and used me for money along the way. Then, I was in an abusive relationship at some point in my life for 3-4 years with my alcoholic ex-fiancé whom I had a child with. I ended up escaping him and have a restraining order. My ex's family is filled with violent alcoholics and greedy people, so the little one isn't around them either for that reason. 

My younger brother ended up "hooking me up" with his friend, when I was looking for a serious relationship and who badly used me for money and comfort. He ended up being a druggie party animal...then ghosted me until to be with another women and only called me back to let me know he found someone else but wanted me on the backburner as option B... He never liked "labels", but we made an agreement that he would tell me if he found someone else, so I could move on. He'd say things like how he "loves" me and couldn't imagine me not in his life, blah blah. Well, after all the baloney I dealt with, I wished him a good life and changed my number and dropped contact with him.

I've gone on a few other dates with some other people and it was...difficult. [TRIGGER WARNING - bisexuality & identity] I tried dating women as well, as before I knew I was bi, I thought I was a lesbian since grade school...the dating world was difficult to manage. I also thought I should have been born a man so I would be "straight" and was a "transboy" as a teenager but detransitioned(long story and some stuff related to culture). 

But anyways, eventually, I found my current partner who has been amazing! I'm in a hetero relationship current (partner is male, I'm female). I like to use the term partner because BF/GF...sounds like something younger folks might use and I'm also not married (yet) nor engaged (yet). I haven't proposed (yet) because of financial issues, so I have opted to use the term partner for the time being.

:: Health ::
My health problems began in 2017 when I was hit by a car while walking. I used to walk home from work many moons ago...Then in 2021, [TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence] my ex-fiancé nearly deleted my existence, and worsened my chronic pain. I was also told during the instance that I may brain damage. I did not notice the chronic pain as much, due to me drinking alcohol and eating edibles (MJ)... I used it to cope with both the mental and physical pain.

I have been going in and out of the hospital since Autumn 2023 up till now to recover. I quit drinking alcohol and smoking MJ/eating edibles for over 3 months now. The first month of quitting made my chronic pain worse, I was feeling nauseous all the time and the sharp pain in my chest & ribs were more prominent (I think the pain has subside a little bit now, maybe).

:: Trauma ::

Apart from the trauma I mentioned, I have experienced homelessness after my 2nd oldest brother lied to me about being able to take over his lease and giving me only a day or two notice....and I have experienced eviction, job loss, car loss, and temporary custody removed from me after calling the cops on my ex. I have experience so much mental and physical pain these past few years and it has made my depression and PTSD worse. 

I used to use MJ and alcohol to cope, but I don't want to do that anymore...So I take meds, but I'm not sure it's working. It's just...OK I guess.

::Work/Career::
I haven't been very lucky in this regard...I would normally get hired right away, work my butt off, then the manager would give me "supervisor" type duties without the title or pay, but when my little one would get sick or I needed time off due to illness, the team would get angry with me...I was always treated as a number instead of a person and was milked for everything I can do for others and talked down on. This time around though, I'm changing careers to where I can (mostly) work for myself then eventually do my own business. Working towards a real estate license -- then when I make enough money, buy my own property and rent them out for passive income...

I have also made "friends" in the workplace, but end up getting treated as the "entertaining monkey" or "money bags" so...I don't think I will be making friends this time around at work and will keep it strictly professional. I just see myself as an open book (for the most part). I try to be genuine. Many decades ago, I used to be more reserved and mysterious, I suppose. Not many people knew much about me, but maybe I'll go back to that. I only care about my family (son & partner). They'll get to always see the authentic me.

:: Relationships ::

Family - My mother's side of the family is from a different country and she immigrated here and is highly religious (my father is also very religious as well). I'm not religious at all and have always been the black sheep. If anything went wrong, I was to be blamed or hit...I grew up with all brothers and was the only female sibling, so I spent a lot of time alone and locked up in my room. Did not have the same privileges as my brothers. My oldest brother is very obedient to my parents are currently lives with my mother who is 1,000+ kilometers away from me. My 2nd oldest is very "macho man" and thinks it's too "girly" to even help a woman hold her purse (I feel bad for any future GF) and believes in traditional gender roles. My youngest brother is an alcoholic and drug addict who parties a lot and leeches on other people. Him and my 2nd oldest get along extremely well and complain about women all the time. It's really obnoxious. They both live together and we all live in the same city/state...

Friends - I currently only have online friends. Due to my extreme agoraphobia due to people nearly deleting my existence and dealing with stalkers...I don't go outside. However, I will be moving out of this city soon with my (long distance) partner! Away from the painful memories and will also feel safer elsewhere. I plan on making friends in real life once I move and feel more established. I feel maybe I need to spend some time first working on myself and maybe going to support groups that specialize in trauma, so I do a better job of making healthier friendships.

Romantic - As I have mentioned, I am currently dating my (long distance) partner. We met through an online app and have been dating for about 8 months now. Before getting into a relationship with him, I went to several DV support group meetings to not end up in the same situations I was in the past. I learnt a lot from my mistakes. My current partner has many good qualities and green flags. He understands what I've gone through and similar to me, he is also diagnosed with depression & PTSD. I plan on waiting a few years before I propose to my partner, maybe 3+ once our finances are stable. We've been talking a lot about our future and what we want from life. He's pretty much my best friend. <3