Failure
I didn't want to really come back to 7cups with my problems but.... I don't have anywhere else to really turn to, and kind of trying to find others who can relate. I was attempting to improve my life, but it feels more like 1 step forward and 2 steps back... I feel like just laying down and never getting back up again. However, I can't do that when the little one relies on me heavily...
My post was initially WAY longer, but I guess it had trigger words, that the cr1sis pop-up kept showing and I had to edit multiple times, though couldn't figure out WHAT triggered it that I'm starting over fresh, albeit with a shorter, less passionate post as I feel exhausted...
I'm just tired of the chronic pain. I'm tired of the PTSD, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia. I'm tired that I don't have support in real life and feel alone. I'm tired that when I finally find the courage to leave my house, I get harassed by strangers. I'm tired that when I decided to be open on the purple "Disgust" instant messaging app, that I get back stabbed. Never was a fan of social media, so planning on deleting that along with the red app "Cora".
I don't know if I want to try as hard anymore with building bonds outside of 7cups, I'm OK with being anonymous here...I'm not OK anymore with opening up heavily to people I know or meet now. I need a lot of time to recuperate...
I'm tired of pretending to be OK when I haven't been for ages. I just want to vent out these bottled feelings, but can't fully do that due to it being censored on here...sadly...Although, it's better than having nowhere else to throw these feelings.
I've tried to rebuild my life and improve. I quit alcohol, weed for over 100+ days. I've gone to the hospital to improve both my mental and physical health. I try to eat better and no longer eat take up. I've attempted to go outside, even though I have extreme agoraphobia due to someone I trusted attempting to delete me from the world and causing permanent physical damage and possible brain damage. I'm trying to do online classes for a license I want, even though I really can't work anymore due to the dizziness, nauseous, pain, lightheadedness, etc that I experience nearly daily...
I just...sometimes feel like nothing is really working...
I'll leave it at that for now, the more I write it might get censored again.
I think that I remember seeing you on here before. Welcome back.
I know how exhausting it all is and how hard you have been trying. I wish that I could make it all go away and have you find more time to rest and recuperate. Sending you lots of strength and peace.
I also want to offer to provide a bit of a backbone of support if you want something like that right now. If you keep writing on this thread, I will try to write once every day or two. You can just vent. It really helps to get it all out of your head. @ImpudentIncognito
@bestVase7265 Thank you so much for your support, I appreciate it. ♥ I'm trying to push forward as much as I can so I can find some peace and stability in my life.
@ImpudentIncognito wraps you up in a cosy blanket and cuddles you up ❤❤ sweetie you have people who care about here at cups, like me ❤ you don't have to suffer silently, I'm always here to listen and support you in any way I can. I know how bad things have been for you and how hard your really really trying to make a better life for you and your little one. I wish I had a magic wand, I would make you a rich princess, and blow a protective bubble around you, so you would never get hurt again ❤ unfortunately all I can do is be here for you, I know that's not enough sometimes. But please know I love you, many people here love you and we do care about you ❤ your a strong inspirational person. And your kid, is growing up with a hero. ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Aww, you're so kind Tiny! 😭I miss seeing you and love you too!💖 You're such a beautiful, kind and funny person. I'm glad to have gotten to know you through 7cups. Thank you again for your kind words. Big virtual hugs to you too! 🫂♥♥♥♥
Are things going any better today? @ImpudentIncognito
@bestVase7265 Hello vase, thank you for checking back in with me. Yes, I'm doing much better currently. When I made this post, I was off my depression meds for a few days and was waiting to go pick them up. It's light night and day without them...Going to make sure I always have a refill... I thought I might be OK without them for a bit and just tried to stay hydrated, meditate, etc but not working currently when also dealing with chronic pain.
Ever since I've been back on my meds, I have been trying to be more proactive about my situation and work towards a resolution. I've been pushing myself to take my real estate classes now, and it's a lot of work, but will be work it for back up. I have been cleaning up the house a bit more than usual, and trying to eat a bit more. Depression sucks to deal with. There are days where I sleep in for most of the time, and I try to tell myself it's OK, there's always tomorrow...
Yes, medications are often critical for both depression and chronic pain. Depression is another form of chronic pain. I mainly take stuff for sleep and I don't sleep without it. Period.
So I am glad that you found good medication again and are back to getting solid progress of the real estate classes and cleaning fronts. @ImpudentIncognito
Things still been going okay?@ImpudentIncognito
Just checking back in. Know that I am thinking about you. @ImpudentIncognito
@bestVase7265 Hello, I've been trying to mentally prepare myself lately... I have to move in with a former abuser of mine who mentally, physically, and SA me in my earlier years. I'm only going to be their temporarily for a designated amount of months, but I'm worried that she'll try to prevent me from leaving. I'm already dealing with health issues, and I'm worried she'll stress me out more and make it worse...
This person I am talking about is my own mother. She used to hit me and talk down on me every chance until I was 18 and moved FAR away from her... About 1,000+ kilometers away. She wouldn't even recognizey son as her grandson, because of I was with my then ex at the time who I wasn't married to and he wasn't the same race as me... She's separated from my (equally awful) father, and they're both different races, and she used racial slurs to describe his race, because he's mad at him. She told me, without hesitation, that she hated my dad, and right after that, without missing a beat said "--and you're just like your dad".
I had to deal with her body shaminge when I was young by her calling my body "disgusting" or "too skinny with a big butt" and she called that weird... She made some more intense comments that are s*dually gross and used to touch me in uncomfortable ways. She ALWAYS tried to find an excuse to come into my room when I was in the middle of changing and STARE at me while making more gross comments about private areas of my body. She even gave me her used underwear, and when I said "no thank you, I have plenty" she went BESERK on me and said "You've changed! How DARE you talk to me like that?! Do you NOT love your own mother ? I bet your friend so-and-so doesn't talk to their mother like that" and "No man will EVER love you, they'll only use you for sex. Only I love you."
She used to hit me as she pleased, and would say things like "How DARE you like your friends more than your own mother, what's wrong with you?"
So... I have been getting anxiety from the thought of having to live with her again, especially with my kid, who is on the spectrum for autism and in speech therapy, so he can't speak very well. She suddenly likes him now, despite missing major events like the baby shower and birthdays by giving excuses... I told her I needed certain information from her to enroll him in school and speech therapy & special therapy for autism children, but she's purposely delaying it until I physically move over there...
My oldest brother out of my 3 siblings is flying down here this Monday, and stay a week to help me move, then we leave the following week. I currently live in the state "Solterra" and will be moving to "Planters" where my mother & father live. My oldest brother lives with my mother, and never moved because she would guilt trip him constantly... My 2nd oldest brother and younger brother live together in Solterra state, but we don't talk, we're estranged.
I'm frustrated, because I have move around a lot...from "Solterra" (in a tiny town called "Tritivilla" to a city called "Flumencivita") to "Saxovisterra"(In the town "Occipidum") to "Planaterra"(in the large city of Obscuremonte Civit".) All further and further away from my mother... I want to eventually move out of this country FAR away from any relatives, due to the abuse endured...
My long distance partner and I have been talking about moving in together. We're both seeking jobs for the moment.. he also went through the medical issues and has recovered and licensed in his field..I'm still taking classes in mine. He currently lives in "Pratignis Urbem", which is 2 hours away from Obscuremonte Civit...but now we'll live 1,000+ kilometers away...about a days worth of driving. We talk everyday on the phone for multiple hours a day since ewe both are currently not working...
I tried applying for government help in Obscuremonte Civit, but was rejected. I have no choice but to work, even if I'm still physically unwell. The only good thing about moving to Flumencivita where my mother is, is that I can try for a new doctor and apply for benefits again and see if that helps..
Today, I will have to clean and leave behind the big furniture I accumulated, such as two queen sized mattresses, TV, dressers, and the microwave... The only thing I can carry are my little ones and his clothes. I have to leave behind some of his clothes and the majority of my blankets (minus his favourite green blanket). I'm keeping my switch, laptop, & guitar that my partner got ALL of those things for me... It just kind of bites ALWAYS having to start over and often too...
Anyhow, sorry for long reply. I'm just...kind of hanging in there. I appreciate you checking up on me.
You have got a huge amount on your plate at the moment. I can really understand your concerns. Please come here nightly if you want to just vent. Having a venting spot is critical at rough moments like this.
Let me suggest a few observations that might help just a little:
1) You have solid plans for not having to stay with your mom for long. If you keep working daily towards those goals, then you will feel better about doing something and you will get away faster. I can imagine how scary and depressing it all is, but you are going to find a path forward.
2) Both your mom and you are older. That changes the power balance from the get go even if your mom might want it to be the same as when you were a teenager. Your brother might not have escaped before. You did. You know how much better life can be not living with her. Use that freedom knowledge as you interact with her. Her words can still hurt, but you are stronger than your teenage self. You know for certain that she is wrong in how she evaluated you in the past. Keep that knowledge at the front of your mind. She also is weaker and older. She has more needs than she did before and probably realizes deep down that if she treats you really badly she will get to see her grandson less.
3) Any time that you can get out of her presence, do that for you and your son. You will find good schooling for him and better healthcare for yourself. One step at a time.
We are here to cheer you on. @ImpudentIncognito
@bestVase7265 It's just...frustrating that when I move over there, she'll have more control over me due to my disabilities... I can't move around as much without feeling pain, and will have to rely on her financially and depend on her to take me to the hospital if I'm not doing well, and I feel I can't 100% trust her.
I'm currently trying to fill out information to get government assistance -- so I don't have to rely on her so much, and I DO need her information, but she's being flaky...She doesn't believe in government assistance so she MIGHT be doing that on purpose and say I should just "rely on her", but I rather not... Also, my son is autistic and needs to go to special therapy (along with speech therapy), but she keeps claiming "he's fine" but he also has trauma and other stuff going on, similar to myself. She's at least receptive to the speech therapy, since my younger brother used to go, so she understands that, but idk how she feels about the autism...She gets weird about those topics and says he's "normal". My whole family doesn't believe he is autistic, and that it must be the trauma from his father(my abusive ex who nearly unalived me) but...He already got diagnosed twice(first time, he was said to be too young to determine it, so we came back and diagnosed him again, and he has it...have to diagnose him a 3rd time to see what level of autism he's at to get better help.)
She didn't seem to approve of me applying already for special therapy(aka, ABA therapy) for him ahead of time. I'm HOPING she can help take him to his diagnosis test but she might make excuses...If she's not helpful, I'll ask my oldest brother for help, but he might not be helpful either to be honest, as he doesn't like to go against what my mother says...and if worse comes to worse, I'll ask my own father who lives 45mins away from my mother to come help -- he might have been awful during my childhood-- but he's willing to help his grandson at least and do whatever he can for him, even if my dad and I don't see eye-to-eye.
Ug...I think most of this is my anxiety talking though. I just know how awful my mother was, living with her, and she's making small comments and my brother is passing it along, albeit, filtered to sound nicer, however, I catch her sometimes on phone calls saying rude things when she's in the background. I used to excuse it as a language barrier/cultural thing (I'm mixed race, speak different languages, though my mother refuses to speak her native tongue with me, so she speaks in a common language we have, albeit, a bit broken...), but I don't think I can excuse her any longer...
This is all more so trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst of the worst though...so my anxiety speaking out a bit. Maybe I'll just take things step-by-step and come up with a counter plan IF she decides to block me (again) from being able to do things that I need to...(ex. She promised me to take me to job interviews, but made excuses last minute and guilt trip me to not go...) so...I just need to be stronger willed. I already know she doesn't want me to leave once I'm there, she likes having control over my life...
I guess I just have to trust that my partner is also able to help me(besides me helping myself). He's job searching and once he and I work, we'll be saving money to live together. I'm going to try working, despite my medical issues, and work a job with a flexible schedule(like real estate or remote jobs first before I get into the real estate field), and also try to get a doctor's notes to excuse any medical absences. I'm going to work hard to get my son and myself out of this situation. If I don't do this for me, then I should at least do so for his sake.
Apologies for the long, rambley message...I'm just throwing out my anxious thoughts there. I don't KNOW for sure what she'll do, but I'm only basing my thoughts on past patterns to better prepare myself for the future. I'm trying to calm my anxiety down as much as I can. I even quit drinking caffeine, as that can make anxiety worse.
Everything that you are saying is sounding completely logical. I would feel almost exactly the same in your shoes. I do think that your mom wants to get you back under her control as much as she can and that she doesn't understand your son's condition. She also hasn't been around your son a great deal from what it sounds like so living with him for a few weeks might cause her to soften her stance on therapies because she will see more of how he acts. We can hope.
What I really like about what you are saying though is that you have lots of contingency plans in order to keep the worst from happening. All of those plans make you stronger from the get go. You are going to look for a job that is flexible, you are going to get your dad's support and your brother's support if things aren't working right, you have a partner who you are looking to build a future with. These are all AWESOME! I can't see much that you can be doing better at this point.
I believe that you can be stronger this time. But to keep your anxiety down focus as much as you can on the present. You will get through the day faster right now if you just think about the immediate stuff related to moving. How is that process going?
One thing that also really helps me is to ground myself at least briefly in the present each day. I try to come up with a moment where I felt particularly connected via my senses to the world around me. For me today it was the first bite of an egg and cheese sandwich at a restaurant. I really enjoyed the simplicity of it. How about you?@ImpudentIncognito
Sending you peace. Know that I am thinking of you. @ImpudentIncognito
@bestVase7265
I've been in the process of moving. I'll be in the state Planaterra soon where my mother lives....but at least the good news is my time there might be shortened! My partner recently received a job offer in Solterra(where we both currently live -- he's in a city 2 hours away from me). He initially promised prior that he would start working soon and have me and son move in with him -- so if he starts working around this time, it may take a couple of months to save. I'm going to try to work too, despite my physical condition, so I can save money and leave Planaterra sooner AND help my partner out.
I'll be leaving Solterra this Wednesday afternoon to go to Planaterra.
* Planaterra = Is the state where my abusive mother lives as well as my oldest sibling, which is 1,000+ kilometers from Solterra. Also my home state -- she's from a different country.
* Solterra = The state I currently live in, where 2 other siblings who I am estranged from also live.
The moving process has been a bit awkward. My oldest brother keeps trying to push me to talk to my other 2 brothers I'm estranged from...The 2nd oldest was the reason I ended up homeless, since we used to live together and ended up calling me a "terrible parent" among other things and criticized my life style, even blamed me about the issue with alcoholic ex fiance... Anyhow, he ended up giving me a day's notice when we used to be in the same household, and said the landlord won't make the lease renewable, and I had to move and figure stuff out on my on. Then my younger brother betrayed me, by setting me up with his womanizer friend in the past who used me financially and for comfort...it was a toxic relationship...this pretty much when I freshly left a physically abusive relationship with my alcoholic ex-fiancé. It was bad... And younger brother STILL kept in contact with that friend of his until that friend moved to a different state entirely that's right next to Solterra called "Aureaterra". Oh, and younger brother has stolen things from me and is an alcoholic and drug addict so...not going to be around him.
I plan on going no contact with my entire family once I leave Planaterra...I just...can't stand it. My mother used to SA me when I was young and made me feel disgusting...And physically & verbally abused me on top of that. I don't trust her and I don't plan on leaving my child alone with her(though, my son is male, so I don't think she'd do that to him, like she did to me...I'm female...but it won't stop her from doing punishment by slapping in the face or something ridiculous, which if she even THINKS about doing that, I'll call the cops on her or get in-between her and son before she even tries to). She also does NOT believe my son is autistic, despite having TWO professional diagnosis indicating he is.
Despite all of this...I have nowhere else to go and not currently working(because of health), so going to keep cordial with her, but move FAR away...Either "Dominiterra", "Litusterra", or "Stellateram", but I would prefer Dominiterra the most, just something COMPLETELY different from what we're used to. Housing prices are also quite nice there too. I've lived in three states so far(ex. Planaterra, Saxovisterra, & Solterra) and travelled to 10+ plus another country. For now, my partner and I are staying in Solterra until we save money -- in the city he currently resides in(Pratignis Urbem), not where my estranged brothers live(Obscuremonte Civit)--also where I currently am...who suddenly want to "hang out" like old times as siblings. My partner's city is 2 hours away from here, but we plan on moving even FURTHER away... maybe a few more hours away. Solterra is temporary anyways...
** Apologies for all the crazy nicknames for the states, it has meaning behind each name, but also a way to keep anonymous.
No problem with keeping the state names anonymous. I have no idea where you are and don't really need to in order to understand both your challenges and your triumphs.
The biggest good thing that I see in what you said is that your partner may be able to help you get out more quickly. So have hope that is going to happen.
I would not necessarily engage with either of your other brothers because they do sound dangerous in a way that brother three might not understand. Brother three sounds like he really sees your return as some kind of way of stabilizing a family dynamic that simply doesn't work at all. I don't think that you will probably be able to alter his fantasy easily, but you can just tell him regularly that you won't be there for long and you have no desire to be in contact with other family members period.
I know that you fear being back with your mom but as I said before, you have plans for dealing with her. Just stick with them.
And deal with it all one day at a time. Make the future plans as best you can, but you only have control over that particular day. You can't change the past and worrying constantly about the future just increases your anxiety.
You have got this. You are stronger than you know. Make sure that you take time for you and your son away from her as often as you can. Trips to the park, etc. Spend as little time in her house on a daily basis as you can and you will keep mentally healthier.
My life will be just a little more chaotic for the next week and a half. I will be looking on here regularly, but if I miss a single day don't fret. I will be back here soon. I am here to continue supporting you. @ImpudentIncognito
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you. @ImpudentIncognito
@ImpudentIncognito
I don't always want to keep coming here either.
I try break it up with apps like Voidpets, Finch and In The Rooms.
And I play Subway Surfers and Stardew Valley.
There's also meditation twice a day, music, walks, cooking and other household and daily survival things.
Watching helpful YouTube videos, spending time with positive people, affirmations and goals can help.
It can be discouraging sometimes because it's so complex and new.
@communicativePond1728 I've been doing a lot of similar things (ex. gaming, meditation, productive YouTube videos, stretches since I'm disabled and can't do what I used to, etc), but it's just been difficult to feel anything. :( I work on myself a lot and have been doing hobbies but can't help but feel empty inside. Just been dealing with my PTSD & depression for so long.
I feel bad coming on 7cups because despite making progress in certain areas, I'm failing in things that I feel are very important...It's just been difficult.
I'm glad those things are working out for you though!
@ImpudentIncognito
Have you ever tried the GLAD method?
It's where you write down a Gratitude, something you're Learning and Accomplished, and what you're Delighted about.
I'd be interested to hear of any YouTube channels you might recommend!
@ImpudentIncognito
Also have you heard of Douglas Bloch videos on YouTube? Or his website or books? He's a counsellor and author who survived major depressive disorder four times.
Furthermore, I'm not sure if you've also tried turning your days and chores more fun through themes. For example, self care Sunday, music Monday (play or learn a new instrument).
Ultimately, there's so many resources and much information. Making the process the practice though can take the pressure off and keep one in the present and open and curious.
Hi there,
It sounds like you are going through some tough things in your life for a very long time.
I commend your courage to keep going! Letting things out here and not totally giving up on connecting with others show you still have the motivation to find the connections.
May I suggest an app where you can express this with your voice? I find it therapeutic to voice things out and also hear someone from the other end reply with their voice. The app is called Bubblic, and there is a small community of people wanting to connect by talking out loud. Having your voice heard and feeling like you matter is a great source of motivation and validation, so I hope you find it useful!
@ImpudentIncognito so , true .. if it helps , you're not alone
Hi, I read your post it really touched my heart, I can feel your pain you are not alone, you are on the right track don't give up yet, you are amazing, keep going, and take it day by day I do that even if I feel lonely im trying to enjoy my loneliness. don't think of the past don't think of the future, only this moment, and live it with the smallest simplest things “ like a cup of good coffee “❤️
I know how you feel
Keep going! You can do this👍
@ImpudentIncognito hey hey, i understand how it must feel to going through a chronic pain and not having a ray of hope to hold on to. I can imagine the enormous amount of suffering you have with the people around not being so supportive.
And in all this, I'm proud of you for trying so so well. It isn't easy to be where you are, it isn't essy to be in the situation that you have been, it isn't st all but the great courage you take to try, to get up nd give another chance everyday.
Please don't give up on trying, please dont lose hope, the fact that you have come so far means you are strong so don't let your efforts go in vain. Do think of therapy and do think of considering taking help. There's a lot of help in the world as well, i appreciate your coursge to talk abt this and i implore you to keep trying and reaching out. Im proud of you, this will pass soon. You will pass through this soon, you deserve to live with peace and happiness.
