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Jayw172
818 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts42 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes17 Current upvotes17 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2022 Member sinceDecember 28, 2021
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Question about letting her have space
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 July 11th, 2022
...See more So I’m dating a fearful avoidant and she has withdrawn. She said to me a week ago that she doesn’t know what she wants and before she ends up breaking things off again she is trying to sort herself so that doesn’t happen. She said she needs to do that first before trying to sort us and ending up doing it wrong because she doesn’t know where her head is at. She is very direct so I think if she wanted to break things off she would just say it as she has done in the past, only to realise it’s not what she actually wants, so I believe she is distancing as she feels overwhelmed. This girl is quite a severe fearful avoidant and has a consistent pattern of pulling away and coming back, has experienced some sexual trauma during our breakup before we got back together. A couple of days after she says that she is back FaceTiming me for hours and messaging, only to pull away again later that evening and has since been cold by message and not contacting. I have decided to let her have some space, however, her blood test result meetings are Tuesday and Wednesday and it’s her birthday the following day. Do I tell her I’m thinking of her and hope all goes well and that I’m here if she needs me or will not messaging her let her think I don’t care? Also her birthday, do I get her a casual gift or just send a happy birthday or nothing at all? I want her to swing back towards me please help
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Need advice please
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 July 4th, 2022
...See more I’ve been with a fearful avoidant girl for a while now and she has a pattern of creating a distance and pushing me away whenever we have been intimate, which is due to her avoidant tendencies of being scared and also some recent sexual trauma that happened to her during a breakup we were going through. Over the last few weeks she has sometimes pushed me away and she admitted she doesn’t intend or want to do it but doesn’t realise that she does and she apologised and comes back around. However, a week ago we were quite intimate again and once she left my place she became emotionally distant again, very moody and pushing me away again. She is also suffering from some heart rate issues and migraines, and has an upcoming blood test result meeting with her doctors in which she has admitted to me she is scared and it’s making her moody. we had a bit of a back and forth exchange a couple of nights ago in which she finally opened up and said that she just doesn’t know what she wants and that she needs to sort her head out before working on things with me because she doesn’t want to end up breaking things off again. I tell her I appreciate her being open, which she struggles to do, and that I’ll give her some time to herself if she wants. She says she doesn’t want time to herself either but then when I message her the following morning she replies in a manner that indicates she isn’t in the mood to talk with a one word reply, so I just leave it. I want things to work out and I know from our history how much she struggles with being open, vulnerable, showing her true feelings, intimacy etc. she has accepted that she knows she has these difficulties associated with having an avoidant attachment style. Do I now give her the space she says she doesn’t want (but probably needs) or do I initiate contact with her still? She is usually very initiative with messaging, phone calls, FaceTimes etc but we havent spoken for about 36 hours since her short cutoff kind of response
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Dating an avoidant girl
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 July 20th, 2022
...See more So I’m dating an avoidant girl and it’s really tough. When she deactivates and creates distance it triggers my anxiety as an anxious preoccupied attached person. Quite often she has been distant and then she warms back up and apologises, she tells me she doesn’t even know that she’s pushing me away and stuff. we met about 8 months ago, went 3 months of that where we were broken up before getting things back on about 2 months ago. She also has some past sexual trauma which only makes her even more avoidant after we’ve been intimate in any form. We slept together for the first time since being back on and she instantly withdrew and a day or so later admitted that whilst we were apart she had an experience with another guy who forced himself upon her whilst she was drunk and asleep. about a week ago we were in bed and quite intimate, although we didn’t sleep together, and after she left my place she seemed to start to distance again afterwards. She has been suffering with her heart and health issues and has started to feel ill this last week and is worried about upcoming blood test results and her fast heart rate. She has been extremely short and distant with me, sometimes quite snappy over message for close to a week, apologising when she’s been snappy and she has admitted she is scared about her health. i have told her that I feel a bit pushed away and opened up to her about a past hurt from a relationship. She has continued ti distance and earlier today I sent her a message basically saying I understand she isn’t in the greatest of moods but it’s not fair for it to be taken out on me etc and that I also understand that she finds intimacy hard, even more so since what happened with this guy, but I need her to talk to me and at least because it’s making me feel like I’m ready to walk away if she won’t start talking to me and telling me what’s wrong or not push me away. she responds and we spend a few back and forth messages where her guard goes up and she makes out she doesn’t care if I walk, and to do what I want. I reiterate that we both know walking away isn’t what I want, to which she tells me not to threaten it then. I message her and tell her I know she’s got a lot on her mind at the minute and to tell me if I have been too pushy to please tell me, and that all I want is a bit of communication and her to be open if she needs some time to herself etc. She replies that she would be open if she knew what I was going on about, so I tell her that because we are usually very talkative, when that suddenly slows right down it leaves me unsure why and is it just because she doesn’t feel very talkative at the minute. She replies that she can’t be bothered with it to be fair, so I ask if she can’t be bothered to be talkative and she says nope, meaning she can’t be bothered being talkative. I say that I’ll give her space then and she just sends the thumbs up emoji. she admitted a few days ago that she has been in a bad mood, not with me, just in general, because she is frustrated with the doctors and her health. Should I look at this as being over or is she just taking her anger and frustration out on me and am I doing the right thing in giving her space, in which she can never bring herself to usually request, even if she needs it?
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Dating a Fearful Avoidant
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 January 29th
...See more Hi, is there anyone that would consider themselves really insightful in how to navigate a relationship with a fearful avoidant female when they are going through a deactivating period? I’m an anxious preoccupied so it can be challenging for me
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Made her angry and she’s here try not responding
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 May 30th, 2022
...See more So long story short, last night I sent her a message which came across as really harsh after I felt like she is being flakey things. I was talking about some of my concerns but voiced them in a way in which I probably shouldn’t have, must have came across harsh on her end. she responded a few hours later showing clear displeasure at my message, I quickly apologised when I seen it the next morning but reasserted that I stand by my concerns. earlier today I realised I was out of order. I sent her a message saying “I have been a massive d*** to you last night with the way I spoke to you and for that I apologise that wasn’t fair on you in any way. I shouldn’t have cussed you out like I did, that was disrespectful from me and I’m sorry. The points that have been on my mind the last couple of days, I expressed them in the wrong way, I promise you, I wasn’t angry and I understand my choice of wording doesn’t back that claim up” she has read it but hasn’t replied, this was around 7 hours ago. How should I best go about this to fix my mistake? Do I leave her to cool off or do try and resolve it? if I message again I’m thinking either this - ” I was a pr**k last night and I own up to that, I was out of line in the way I spoke to you. Call me every name under the sun, take the piss out of my toxic trait coming to the fore, or you can simply give me a big slap or 2, I know that’s the one you’d most like 😂 however, don’t avoid talking to me that’s not fair, no matter how much you feel I deserve it after last night (and probably do)” or this - “How much do you want to slap me after last night? “ open to suggestions, I genuinely feel bad for the way I spoke to her, it was mainly because she has expressed to me on many a time that she enjoys being told off and being put in her place, not because I genuinely wanted to talk to her like that.
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Breakup help
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 April 24th, 2022
...See more my ex girlfriend broke things off a couple of months ago and I accepted the decision with dignity. I told her it’s not what I wanted but I respect her choice. I have been following a lot of advice of a well respected breakup coach and been having coaching sessions and everything he has suggested and told me would happen has pretty much happened. anyway, the first few weeks post breakup she would continue to reach out with what’s knows as indirect/direct approaches which come across as random messages with not much context. I have been advised to respond to these casually and politely and not to try and get a conversation going. I did this and on the last reach out during these first few weeks I told her I’d been really busy and she instantly wanted to know what I’d been up to, curious. On the advice of my coach I didn’t tell her and didn’t respond to her request. after that a while passed, 5 weeks, in which I doubted she’d reach out again. My coach assured me I answered (or didn’t answer) that last message correctly and that I should remain patient. Well he was correct because 5 weeks from the last time she randomly called me a week ago on a Sunday evening. I didn’t answer at first and then just messaged her saying I’d missed her call and hope she’s doing well. She instantly asked if I fancied a catch-up and I said I’d be open to that and when is she free. She was free right then and rang me before I could even answer. Her friend was in the background and I was quite reluctant to meet, trying to arrange another day. I overheard her friend in the background telling my ex that I might be worried about seeing her. Upon hearing this I knew I couldnt allow my ex to think I was worried so a few minutes later I agreed to go for a drink with them. I made sure I was dressed my best and smelling my best and went out to her car with nothing but a positive frame of mind. Once we got to the bar she didn’t follow her friend to where she was meeting a few people and instead wanted to sit down with me alone at the table. I think now, the reason her friend was there to start with was because she was worried I may be awkward, angry etc as this is the first time we’ve seen each other since the breakup. During this time she bought me a drink and we were chatting g pretty casually, general small talk etc. after a while her friend came and joined us for a bit and it was about this time I came to the conclusion that my ex has been or is involved with somebody else in some form of rebound. Inside it killed me but I pushed that anxiety away and didn’t show that it affected me in any way. After a while my ex began to gravitate closer to me and started to put her foot on mine under the table and we began playfully teasing and flirting with each other at the table. Her friend could see this when she looked up and commented, also saying how good we are for each other kind of thing. My ex was dressed in an outfit that I once told her I really liked from past photos she sent me so I’m not sure if that is also a good sign. anyway, her friend decided to carry on to extend the evening with her friends and go clubbing. My ex declined this offer and instead wanted to drop me back home alone (she could easily have asked her friend to jump in the car too but didn’t) as I had to be up for work at 4am the following morning. on the way back to mine we were consistently being playful, laughing, joking, playful flirting and general teasing each other. She tried to pretend she could barely remember where I lived (despite driving to mine countless times when we were together and to come pick me up this day too). She has an avoidant attachment style I might add so she doesn’t open up easily or like to admit any of her feelings and will instead try and pretend she doesn’t care. anyway, once we pulled up at mine this was where I was thinking ti myself “let’s see if she quickly wants to get going or if she decides to pull up and stay talking in the car for longer than need be”. She pulls up and starts to get comfortable rather than wanting to rush off. I invited her up to mine to which she said no (probably a good thing as potentially sleeping together at this point wouldn’t be a good thing) and we continued to chat, flirt, laugh etc. she began to put on old songs from her playlist that she used to always put on when we were together, teasing me about how much I liked them really (I used to pretend I didn’t like them). She also told me some things about her family, how her job was going and how her uni was too. She mentioned she knew I was really enjoying my new job role as a mutual friend that works with me had told her. I havent spoken to this mutual friend about me or my ex at all since the breakup so my ex has obviously been curious and asking about me. she bought up a couple of times from the last in a casual way and tried to prove me and ask if I’d missed her at work (she left our workplace before we split, which is where we met). I played it off playfully and said I’d barely noticed. She wanted me to admit I’d missed her which I wasn’t going to do. She also shown a bit of jealousy when I mentioned another girls name at work (nothing is going on with this girl but she used to be a bit jealous of her for no reason of mine when we were towards the end of our relationship) but tried to play it off playfully and tried to question me about something related to this in which I can’t remember what it was. things started ti get physically playful and she started showing me a crack in one of her nails, wanted me to grab her hand and feel for it. I started playfully grabbing her hand and leant over to grab her fat hand and we kissed. It felt so natural and we kissed for a good minute and she didn’t pull away or try and stop me. I pulled away slightly and she leaned closer again so we kissed again, I invited her again to which she said no (again, a good thing as it needs to be a slow process) and after another couple of minutes of kissing and me pushing her hair to one side while caressi g her face (again, she was extremely receptive to this) I left her car on a positive note and left it there. the next morning she messaged me asking if I’d got ti work okay as I had to be at work for 5am. I never messaged her back until later in the day and kept it quite casual. I know I can’t chase her or try and ask her back as that will just push her away and show that I’m too keen. I spoke to my coach following this and he says it’s all positive and that my ex would have gotten an ego boost from this so I need to be a bit less available next time she reaches out so as she still feels she has to earn me back rather than me just sitting here waiting for her. He said there will likely be another period of silence before she reaches out again as she has had a boost of dopamine from our interaction, and he also said if she is flirting with me and wanting to see me while she’s involved with somebody else then it’s nothing serious as she wouldnt do that else. It felt so natural and effortless when we were together for this time and it almost felt like we weren’t even split up. does this all sound like a positive step in the direction of us rekindling m? I’m not expecting it to happen overnight but the period of silence again is what makes me feel a bit of anxiety. Will this time together have her really reflecting and wondering about me and her being back together? If she’s seeking me out still then I can only assume she doesn’t have a connection with this guy like she does with me. I’m different to guys she has been with in the past. Can her rebounding with this guy actually be a positive for me in terms of her realising she misses what she had with me? from the day of the breakup I’ve had this gut feeling that she wasn’t fully committed to it ending. If she does decide she wants me back I will definitely take her back with reserve and not rush anything.
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Fearful avoidant help
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 January 4th
...See more I’m dating a fearful avoidant attachment type which as an anxious pre occupied guy makes it hard. she goes hot and cold consistently and shuts down making any communication about things hard. In the past when I have sent a long message reassuring her I won’t hurt her and I understand etc it has propelled things back into the track to hot rather than cold. she is currently y cold again from last night, do I send another long message telling her how it makes me feel hurt when it happens, showing my vulnerability, or do I leave her alone for a while. She’s very guarded and closed off for reasons due to being a fearful avoidant, and definitely won’t open up in person. Any tips on the situation and how to try and ease her into hopefully letting me in thankyou
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I think she’s scared of intimacy
Relationship Stress / by Jayw172
Last post
 February 8th, 2022
...See more I’m pretty certain the girl I’ve been with for the last 3 months has a fear of intimacy. After looking at all the signs it’s pretty obvious. She pushes me away whenever we get too and then puts a stall on things. I have told her I want to go out for something g to eat with her tomorrow evening and she just says “dunno”. I have read up and looked all over YouTube and everything I look up quite obviously points towards fear of intimacy, she is displaying pretty much all the signs. she displays every single sign of fear of intimacy and an aviodment attachment style. She has even told me herself that she will be pushing me away again soon when we last worked things out when she last pushed me away about a month ago. I am yet to read her message which says “dunno” although I’ve been active so she knows I have been online because she has since too, she is only ever active on Facebook messenger whenever we are in contact so it’s pretty obvious she wants to know if I’ve read her message or if I’ve been online. I’m not sure how to proceed. is it best to reassure her fears? She admitted to me she can’t help but think I only want her for sex and that I only like her when shes at her best. I’ve told her that is simply not true. How is the best way to go about allying her fears and getting her to open back up to me? I have nothing but good intentions for this girl so please help me. Do I message her and say “you’re scared of getting too close aren’t you?” Do I just say “ok no worries maybe another time” or do I simply walk away and go into no contact and see if she comes to me on her own? I might be wrong but I get the feeling going into no contact isn’t right for this situation as that will only fuel her abandonment fears. We message every day and have been since we started seeing each other. Even with her pushing me away this last week or 2 we have still been messaging g a lot and she even bought me a random little gift. I don’t want to walk away I really care for this girl
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