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Katyyybee
33,757 M Determined Treads 5
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts255 Forum posts15 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2019 Member sinceJuly 13, 2015
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Longing after death of a loved one
Depression Support / by Katyyybee
Last post
 July 30th, 2018
...See more Ill meet you at the great divide where stars have fallen. Where a last glance of your face can be seen. At a point where both of us collide with our warm hands touching. I will breakthrough until I can see you again. Your face gets lost in my far memory. Until I run to you and hide behind your glorious veil. See my love. See my desire. Let me see through your eyes the love you have bestowed upon me. Let me run and chase you to the ends of the galaxy. Let me carry on even after your death. Hand me the courage of the black holes that I may never falter. God, Mom I miss you so much. Death is a once in a lifetime gift. But not for me for I have died a thousand times. Of every grief and pain that I have felt, oh how I long for you. I break into pieces every day in the faintest breath even after you have taught me the courage of the stars. From your mouth came the beauty of life, from your eyes came the shadow of desperation. Let the universe witness the love that once was broken and was never found again. Hear my heart and hear my mind through the vacuum of space. Let the planets align, let the stars fall down, let the galaxies exist in order for me to feel you. Shine away your light so I could come close. In small steps I try until I take leaps of faith to you. I couldnt help but wonder what is needed to be sacrificed to be with you again. What shall be done, where shall I go. Let your memory guide me to where we were. How rare it is to feel such joy to reminisce what we once were. Let me see you one more time by my eyes. I pray to the heavenly to conspire in my shortness of breath so I could explain the infinite. Oh how beautiful it is to exist.
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Depression and losing a loved one
Depression Support / by Katyyybee
Last post
 July 30th, 2018
...See more The last things I heard were three machines beeping: life, death and desperation. I begged the angels and gods not to take you. I pleaded the divinity to spare more time as if it is gift to be bestowed. But all were selfish, and none answered. I watched as the once lively feet turn blue, I stared as the last waves of life come up, I listened as the last breaths were released. I was there, in body and soul – but you werent anymore. What one was full of life turned into an empty vessel. Dont go. Please dont go. I pleaded the gods but none answered. My sadness betrays me. What is alive is now dead, what once was living is now dying. Guilt was a turmoil for me, it was my battleground, my biggest monster. In my hand are tears, in the other are my hopeless dreams. I asked the divinity to save me but none answered. Grief came like a common friend- uninvited and rushing. It left me in a pool of tears, of emptiness and longing. Oh how shall I carry this burden? I cried to the eternal one but none answered. I long for your hand, for the gentle soothe of your voice, for the little things you did for me. Oh I love you, I love you, I love you. I wish you hear it now. I would trade my thousand lives just to see you again, to feel you again, to hear you again. I am a madman turned crazy. I long for the dead. The dead doesnt long for me. I soak at night in oceans of tears, desperate to bring your most vivid image in my mind. I am swirling in tornadoes of thought. Maybe, just maybe, all these regret will go away. Maybe in my wildest dreams weve lived a perfect life. *** pardon my writing. i am writing in between tears and antidepressants
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This is me pouring myself out to everyone
Depression Support / by Katyyybee
Last post
 August 2nd, 2018
...See more It came to me like a big cannon ball. Broke me into smithereens. Me. My sole being. Tears flushed away the sadness but it never subdued. It is a mystique waterfall, pouring and pouring until theres nothing left but the magic of endless time. In years I found loneliness in solitude. In time I found longing in grief. I found myself in an endless trap of time and space baring myself to its vulnerability. I am naked in a skin different from what I was born with – a tremendous skin of storms and hurricanes not knowing what peace is. I learned to cloth myself in silence, a grief stricken silence that could disturb a herd of lions. I am a lioness. I found myself wandering in the arid desert in search for an oasis. No, I do not belong here. I need to find my place, my comfort, my freedom. I have fought a good fight against the elements of this desert. I wish Ive known more. I wish I never left. But I was blown here without my consent. Could it have been worse if they asked where I want to be? I wish to find my oasis but there is only an offer to thirst – this thirst I couldnt quench with anything, this thirst that dried my tongue into fragments until it returned to dust. I am crying for help but none can hear. The vultures. They hear. They wait for the immortality of my words, for the endlessness of my being. I am futile. I am a failure of creation and evolution. My flaws scathed against the intensity of perfection. I am nothing, yet I am everything. I do not wish this to be the end, but to be an ellipses of what has to come. I wedded myself with sorrow and learned to embrace the love it has given. Hope. It has given me hope. In uncertainty it came out of my mouth, swirling, ready to burn everything it passes by and yet I found myself stuck in the middle of this barrenness. All my cries lead to my higher being but he chose to disregard me. What have I done to be forsaken? I have loved you in a thousand suns, in a million skies, in a billion fragments of my being. You are my beginning, my alpha, and my probable reason to cease. I hear your breath in my prayers, in my begging, in my pleading. I long for you everyday, my sweet sorrow. In begging I have asked for your endless quiet forgiveness, for my decision to float like the dandelions in the wind. Take my breath and take my body. I am all yours. Save me. *** Im not very good with writing so pardon me. But here's my heart and I'm pouring it out to you.
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