KoyaRj0903 Member Profile

My social anxiety is just nonstop

Anxiety Support / by KoyaRj0903

June 28th, 2024

...See more Small rant...I wish I didn't have social anxiety. I wish I wasn't shy around so many people including acquaintances and people I actually know. I just saw someone I know at a cafe (who I wish I had the courage to talk to because I think he's actually cool) but I don't think he noticed me. The moment I recognized him I immediately turned my head and walked away. He was busy looking at something so I hope to god he didn't notice me. I keep thinking my music was on full blast so I'll just pretend I didn't see him. I picked up my order and immediately left and continued to pretend I didn't see him. I'm somewhere else now but holy s**t I instantly regret it. I can't help but avoid that interaction, I was already sweating so much even before I entered that cafe (not because of what happened) and I didn't want him to see me like that...and on top of that I just feel so awkward in general bumping into someone I don't really see or talk to. Overall it ended in more sweat and more anxety lol. I hate it...I hate it so much. That interaction and how bad my social anxiety is. It's crippling me so badly. I can't help but imagine how that interaction would've gone if I said hi and had a bit of small talk. What would come out of it? Maybe not much... but something is better than nothing, right???

Nearly 30 with no real friends

Friendship Support / by KoyaRj0903

June 16th, 2024

...See more For a long time now I have found so much peace of mind and comfort in being alone in my own space, doing whatever I want, just turning my brain off and shutting the world out (usually at nighttime). But on recent self-reflection I realised I don't have any close friends and I have isolated myself way too much over the years. I only have my partner and my family, and even then I don't really talk to my family about my personal life, and my partner can be rather blunt. I see my childhood friends every few months but we're not really as close as we used to be. I feel I have always struggled with social anxiety and I've been very shy and awkward in general ever since I was a kid. The only close friends I've ever had were extroverts that just took me in and I became part of the friend group by default. I don't talk to them anymore either, I just drifted apart from them. Now I'm in my adult life, nearly 30 and it's terrifying how I have very little genuine connections with anybody. I have been described by my partner as unapproachable and sometimes come off as rude with other people even though it's not my intention. There are some acquaintances (mostly my partner's friends) who I really like and wish I was close friends with, but I'm just way too shy and scared to even start a conversation. I also feel like no one really cares about me, these people probably don't like me, if I died it would have no effect on anyone. Yes, you might say it's my mindset holding me back but I've always had this never ending crippling fear of starting to connect with someone. I will always say something weird or whatever makes the conversation awkward. I don't know how to get rid of this fear, but now feels like the time to start as it has crippled most of my life quite a bit. Any ideas on how to start small and gain some confidence in making some friends? Even better, how do I stop being so shy and awkward altogether?

First step to change?

Depression Support / by KoyaRj0903

April 1st, 2024

...See more I feel like I am going through some sort of genuine depression for a long time now. I always struggle to get out of bed in the morning, no motivation to do anything, lack of sleep, lack of interest in most things inc work. Someone in my life has pointed out I give off a vibe that I don't care about anything/anyone around me. Maybe they're right, I've always preferred to keep to myself for the most part but it is not my intention to come off as rude. I also struggle with other things like severe lack of confidence and fear of a lot of things like change and stepping out of my comfort zone. I feel like my partner is starting to get frustrated that I've been like this for years. I virtually have no friends either, mostly just acquaintances that I barely talk to. I understand I have pushed a lot of people away because I am very shy in nature, on top of my lack of social skills. But in spite of all that, deep down I really do want to get out of this rut and maybe make some friends, gain some confidence, get over my fears... something to improve my life... but I don't know how. I don't know how to keep up a conversation with someone or keep up their interest. I'm physically incapable of putting on a facade just to please people. I've been trying to do something productive in my life like go to the gym to get some endorphins but at the end of the day... it's all the same. Any advice on how to take the first step to change? I feel like my state of mind is affecting my family, my partner and how he or anyone views me, a sad sack and a killjoy. And no, unfortunately I can't afford expensive therapy, and I've heard of the "JUST DO IT" brute force mentality countless times but it's easier said than done.

Advice needed

Relationship Stress / by KoyaRj0903

October 28th, 2023

...See more Hey! I've posted a few times already in this forum but I just felt the need to get things off my chest. This time I have a slightly different question.... Long story short, my partner of almost 9 years and I had a fight. Well, he had a meltdown because of "bad" things that happened to him one after the other.. some of them because of me but completely unintentional, it's just bad habits I fall back to that really annoy him. I was very scared and I didn't know how to comfort him in that moment as he started to throw things (but not at me).. so I just stayed silent after apologizing. Kinda ironic it's like I should already know how to calm him down after all these years. But in previous years we barely fought and so I have very little experience on how to deal with conflict on the spot. His meltdowns are also super rare so this is a first for me. I would like to be better at consoling him in these situations as he already thinks I'm no help, on top of that it was my fault he's mad. Any tips on what to say to someone when they're really angry? I tried to give him space but he made a snide comment saying "as usual you're no help" as I walked away.. also we haven't spoken much since that day. How do I approach him when I know he still resents me and thinks I'm "never going to change"?

Don't know where to start

Depression Support / by KoyaRj0903

October 28th, 2023

...See more Hey! Some of you may or may not have seen me post before on different topics, but here it goes. For a long time I've struggled with a lot of personal issues. Depression, some anxiety, struggling to better myself, all of that. For most days I feel "okay", not sad or happy either. Only person I have in my life is my partner. We've been together almost 9 years, we've been mostly on very good terms during the pandemic, barely fought. but most recently it's been very bad. Everytime he shouts at me and gets angry about a small mistake I made or falling back into certain habits, I just freeze inside and all I can say is sorry. It's like he doesn't allow room for "stupid actions". Other than that, we're happy on our good days. This freeze response has really crippled me and my personal relationships in life. I struggle heavily with communication, my mind goes completely blank and I end up going silent and not talking to him for a while, sometimes for a day or two. I just have no words to say even though I should. I can feel that he definitely resents me for behaving like this. There are certain things that he wants me to get better at, for example "don't be stupid and use my brain" and not spacing out of reality, and obviously communication. I've been reflecting a lot on what I've done wrong. I'm aware I need to improve a lot of things about myself. But first thing I want to overcome is that fear of speaking to him when he's angry. I'm honestly terrified of him especially when his anger is at its peak. I've been trying to improve on some bad habits he doesn't like lack of awareness, but sometimes I fall back to it and it can't be helped. This is not a good excuse for him. But other than that, I really want to overcome this communication issue, the freeze response, that fear of talking back or blanking out in situations where he or anyone is mad at me, be able to explain my side of things whether they will like it or not. So my question is...does anyone have tips on how to improve on these? I'm afraid I'm on "strike 3" of this kind of situation with my partner, and I want to be a better, more mature person for him.... if I still have a chance.

I'm stuck I froze and I don't know what to do

Relationship Stress / by KoyaRj0903

October 24th, 2023

...See more My partner is really really mad right now to the point where he's slamming doors and throwing things (but not at me) in the apartment and the neighbours can probably hear. For some context, he couldn't get any sleep last night before work and blamed it on me and his mother for being too noisy, I f*cked up his meal for work I didn't realise I undercooked it (rare beef) until he told me at work, not to mention I accidentally gave him a small burn while holding a hot pan (nothing too serious, he wasn't mad about this) and today he lost 200 dollars from a skin checkup, again blaming me because his mother is apparently paranoid about some skin condition that runs through my family, and scared that I'll pass it on to him (fyi, I don't even have this condition). Turns out she was paranoid for nothing and it was benign, so it made him even more *** to pay 200 dollars for nothing. And now because he's so mad he can't get enough sleep for 2 days in a row now making it worse. I'm honestly stuck, all I can tell him is that I'm very sorry for what I did last night. I normally don't make these kind of mistakes. I tried to give him some space because he was absolutely furious but just as I walked away, he mumbled something like "as usual, you're no help" so I went back and tried to console him, which obviously did nothing. I honestly didn't know what else to say in that situation as I don't know what else to do or say that could have made the situation better, then as he walked away he starts saying "there's no point, nothing will get through to you anyway....nothing changes". I sat there for a minute or two to soak that in, because I have absolutely no idea what other horrrible thing I've done other than what happened last night??? All I can think of is, he's always had a problem with my lack of awareness with my surroundings (among other things) or my brain shutting off on certain occasions but I feel like I've somewhat improved and it's not as bad as before. I feel like I made a simple mistake that will just blow over but clearly there's something else on top of it that bothers him. I don't think I did anything this morning that would have bothered him, because I was just sleeping?? Then I woke up and all of a sudden he was already giving off a negative vibe before he lost it.... I've always had a massive issue with confrontation. I just shut down whenever he's *** because I honestly don't know what to say. If I ask him to tell me what's really wrong he might just tell me again that "there's no point". Honestly I'm *** terrified, that's like opening a big can of worms or diffusing a bomb if I ask him to tell me..or worse, he might start throwing things again and shout at me. Right now I've just clammed up completely, fully silent and I can feel him looking down on me. My partner has told me previously not to do certain things around the house that annoys his mother or him, but afaik I haven't done any of that in a while..or am I absolutely blind or stupid to realise what I've actually done other than what happened last night??? It's not that I don't listen to whatever he says, sometimes I just slip and I don't mean to make either of them upset. I feel like I've improved in some way, but it's clear that I slipped up again. Even worse, his mother hasn't really liked me for a while, but I've tried my best to not do anything she wouldn't want me to do around the house. I'm just absolutely stuck, and I feel so *** horrible about this. I feel like I'm the worst partner ever and he's right, I'm absolutely useless and not helpful at all. Sorry for the long rant, I don't know what to do and I'm absolutely terrified.. I want to leave this house and go home but it might look like I'm just running away from this... all of this sucks because we had such a nice weekend together, he's been in a very good mood the past few weeks until all of this *** happened.

I have no one in my life right now

Depression Support / by KoyaRj0903

September 6th, 2023

...See more It's been a very depressing couple of days for me. Some people here may have seen me talk about relationship communication issues recently. I have taken everyone's advice to heart, I will bring it up again with my partner of 8 years because it's still bothering me and deep down I know he's still not okay with what happened. He's away on a work trip and I'm waiting to talk to him in person this week. But other than that, yeah it has been quite depressing for me. These recent events made me realise that my partner is the only person in my life I can trust / I can be comfortable with and the only one who keeps my depression at bay. I'm a very quiet and shy person, I have no friends so I have no one to reach out to. Right now I feel like my partner isn't too interested in talking to me online for some reason even though we've been talking all weekend. This is adding to the overall loneliness I already feel, there's basically no one in my life right now I can talk to. I'm probably overthinking this, maybe maybe not. But right now it's been hard dealing with these things all by myself. I've been dealing with severe self esteem issues for a long time and I have zero confidence. I've also gained some weight over the years basically I let myself go, and my partner has always mentioned I'm no longer as attractive as I used to be, which I can accept and he says he still loves me, but I'm trying my best to work on myself. I haven't made a real close friend in years. All my childhood friends I was very close to I've drifted apart from them, they all have children now and I wouldn't want to bother them. Pretty sure they don't give a *** about me anymore either. Either way I can't talk to anyone I know about how I feel because they will just tell on me and they're all closer to my partner. Basically no one cares if I even exist. If I'm gone tomorrow no one will care. I was doing just fine especially during the pandemic too, but recently all these personal issues have resurfaced and it's a realization that I have not been okay for years and I got so good at burying my problems as if they didn't exist. I'm forced to see an in-person therapist tomorrow because I have no one else to turn to, and it really sucks because it's so expensive and I don't have a lot of money. But yeah, I just wanted to get these things off my chest until then.

Still not sure about things

Relationship Stress / by KoyaRj0903

September 3rd, 2023

...See more I don't know if anyone has seen my last post. But tl;dr I was going through some communication issues with my partner and he was annoyed at some things I did. He said he still loves me and stuff but obviously had mixed feelings for me. Yesterday we met up to have a nice dinner and I was fully expecting to talk about what happened. I was so anxious and stressed beforehand I tried to prepare what I wanted to say (I'm very bad at confrontation and I clamp up in difficult social situations). So when we finally met up I can feel he was still not his usual way when with me (joking around and lighthearted). But during dinner we did decide to get a cocktail jug as we both liked to drink and we agreed it would be fun, and he said he wanted to. Also, I have been going through a lot of stress the past few days and he knows it, so he wanted to cheer me up. So we did, we got a bit tipsy during dinner and just had a very nice conversation about random things like videos we watched, what we both find funny etc. It was a very happy dinner in a sense like we're back to normal again. After dinner we decided to do some other things and all seemed to be fine again, but deep down I felt we we'rent 100% back to normal. Near the end of the night before he had to head for work, we had another nice conversation about video game stuff he's been watching. Somewhere in between he told me I'm beautiful, kissed me and stuff. We said goodbye and all, and we left in good spirits. He's starting to talk to me as he normally would in text also, but without much joking just yet. I just want everything to go back to 100% normal again. I don't know if I'm just overthinking his behaviour, but deep down I know we still need to have the conversation at some point. (For reference we can't meet up until end of next week to talk and I don't want to do it through online text). I don't know what's on his mind but I feel that whatever happened prior is still at the back of his mind and I need to be careful not to annoy him again otherwise he might just react much worse than before. It's nice assurance that he clearly still loves me, still interested in me and having fun with me but I feel we definitely need to revisit what happened. He was clearly upset with me and I don't think it can just be shrugged off completely. Even if he's fine now, I don't want him to keep resenting me. For next time I just don't know how to bring it up? I'm still very worried about how that conversation will go, and it's stressful for me to be in those situations. Any tips?

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