Advice needed
Hey! I've posted a few times already in this forum but I just felt the need to get things off my chest. This time I have a slightly different question....
Long story short, my partner of almost 9 years and I had a fight. Well, he had a meltdown because of "bad" things that happened to him one after the other.. some of them because of me but completely unintentional, it's just bad habits I fall back to that really annoy him. I was very scared and I didn't know how to comfort him in that moment as he started to throw things (but not at me).. so I just stayed silent after apologizing. Kinda ironic it's like I should already know how to calm him down after all these years. But in previous years we barely fought and so I have very little experience on how to deal with conflict on the spot. His meltdowns are also super rare so this is a first for me.
I would like to be better at consoling him in these situations as he already thinks I'm no help, on top of that it was my fault he's mad. Any tips on what to say to someone when they're really angry? I tried to give him space but he made a snide comment saying "as usual you're no help" as I walked away.. also we haven't spoken much since that day. How do I approach him when I know he still resents me and thinks I'm "never going to change"?
On a day when he's not mad, when there is nothing upsetting happening, have a conversation with him about how you want to be his support, how you love and value him and when he's upset you want to be there for him. Do not say anything about how he's difficult, or how you heard his criticism. This is you asking him to tell you what actions from you would be what he needs when he is upset. He might be happy to tell you, happy you are asking, happy you want to be there for him. He might give you an attitude for not just knowing, if he does just be supportive and say you've noticed you haven't done a good job and you want to, you want to give him the support that he needs. If it is giving him space, then ask to tell you in what way space (does he want you to check in after 20 minutes with a coffee, a shoulder rub? does he want you to leave him be entirely). Whatever it is, get an action of comfort. A specific thing you can do, that he would appreciate when upset.
@KoyaRj0903
Of course, I totally get it. Dealing with your partner's meltdown can be incredibly stressful, especially when it's not something you're accustomed to. It's a situation where emotions are running high, and it's easy to feel like you're walking on eggshells. The first thing I'd recommend is giving your partner some space. It sounds like you've already done this, which is a good initial step. When they're ready to talk, approach the situation calmly and with empathy. It's important to actively listen to them, letting them express their feelings without interruption. Since you mentioned that your actions inadvertently contributed to the situation, a sincere apology can go a long way. Let your partner know that you recognize your part in what happened and that you're committed to making changes to avoid a repeat in the future. The focus here should be on finding a resolution, not placing blame. You can also ask your partner what they need from you right now. Sometimes, people need time to process their feelings and thoughts. Being patient and understanding during this period is crucial. After the situation has cooled down, reassure your partner of your love and commitment to working through this together. I understand that comments made in the heat of the moment can be hurtful. But try to keep in mind that emotions often lead to statements that don't truly reflect a person's feelings when they've calmed down. If conflicts like these become a recurring issue, you might want to consider couples' counseling. All relationships have their ups and downs, and facing challenges can make them stronger in the long run. I'm here if you want to discuss this more or if you need someone to talk to
@KoyaRj0903,
first, he doesn't resent you. He's having a bad moment, can't/ doesn't know how to control it, and takes it out on you. He gets triggered.
Speaking by experience, when you get triggered it's not easy to recognize them in time. And they might end up in a devastating pattern.
I was like that. I would get triggered and yes, there were reasons but the reasons don't matter. I kept a logbook to add any triggers afterwards to find out what was underneath my triggers. That helped yet I couldn't recognize them in time.
Until someone stopped me in time after I got triggered. I noticed a few things , like gesticulating using my hands, raising my voice, talking staccato, feeling tension in my gut and head. That helped me to step out, take a break, take a walk, whatever, so my emotions would not take over.
You can help maybe not only by walking away but also by saying why. And it's OK to put down your boundaries, like saying you understand yet doesn't accept his behavior. Make it you, not him, without getting personal.
Giving him, and yourself, space is good. But don't just walk away, and avoid discussions. Maybe afterwards, when he's eased down, you can ask him what he needs, whether you can help, and vice versa (you have needs too).
Hope it helps, maybe you can let him read this, in your own words. Address him in HIS language though.
Don't let it evolve in a pattern. I did, we did, it damaged my marriage beyond repair (also opened up old trauma in my wife) and my wife couldn't cope anymore. We both lost the love of our lives. Don't let it go that far for you.
@KoyaRj0903,
this link might help both of you:
https://jameshaggertyrecovery.com/blog/cope-triggers-avoid-relapse/