Don't know where to start
Hey! Some of you may or may not have seen me post before on different topics, but here it goes.
For a long time I've struggled with a lot of personal issues. Depression, some anxiety, struggling to better myself, all of that. For most days I feel "okay", not sad or happy either. Only person I have in my life is my partner. We've been together almost 9 years, we've been mostly on very good terms during the pandemic, barely fought. but most recently it's been very bad. Everytime he shouts at me and gets angry about a small mistake I made or falling back into certain habits, I just freeze inside and all I can say is sorry. It's like he doesn't allow room for "stupid actions". Other than that, we're happy on our good days.
This freeze response has really crippled me and my personal relationships in life. I struggle heavily with communication, my mind goes completely blank and I end up going silent and not talking to him for a while, sometimes for a day or two. I just have no words to say even though I should. I can feel that he definitely resents me for behaving like this. There are certain things that he wants me to get better at, for example "don't be stupid and use my brain" and not spacing out of reality, and obviously communication.
I've been reflecting a lot on what I've done wrong. I'm aware I need to improve a lot of things about myself. But first thing I want to overcome is that fear of speaking to him when he's angry. I'm honestly terrified of him especially when his anger is at its peak. I've been trying to improve on some bad habits he doesn't like lack of awareness, but sometimes I fall back to it and it can't be helped. This is not a good excuse for him. But other than that, I really want to overcome this communication issue, the freeze response, that fear of talking back or blanking out in situations where he or anyone is mad at me, be able to explain my side of things whether they will like it or not.
So my question is...does anyone have tips on how to improve on these? I'm afraid I'm on "strike 3" of this kind of situation with my partner, and I want to be a better, more mature person for him.... if I still have a chance.
TLDR: I would like some help on how to improve on my conflict management / resolution skills (i have NONE), how to express myself, overcome the freeze response, coping with people not liking me or resenting me, so not having to walk on eggshells around them.
@KoyaRj0903I have the exact problem 😭
DBT therapy has changed my life, I’d highly recommend it for anyone struggling with emotions and emotional responses.
@KoyaRj0903 I think first thing is he needs to know how scared he makes you😞 you shouldn't be afraid in your own home😞 that's emotional abuse. Perhaps couple therapy?
just know you are you, and you are good enough ❤ he shouldn't make you feel any other way. It makes me wonder, is it worth it? You gotta put yourself first
Thanks @Tinywhisper11 , appreciate that :)
Deep down I think it's worth it, but from his point of view I don't know if he still feels the same way since he's tired of the same situation with me over and over. I'm definitely not good enough for him right now but I'll see where this goes :/
@KoyaRj0903 good luck sweetheart ❤❤ let us know how you get on
@KoyaRj0903
learning to communicate after years of not doing well with this... will be an adjustment for both partners. can you gather your thought and feelings and communicate in writing at first ?
I to used to shut down when my partner and i fought. i found writing it out helped me gather thoughts and revise several times if needed to have clear communication... i prefer this way of communicating as some people in verbal freeze like you trying to come back with an answer/ or such on the spot.
I think writing things out and reading them back shows me any flaw in my logic or how another person could see it differently. .....
the best skill to learn and practice IMO is confidence ... in your words. It also is important to note this flaw in communication is not yours alone but Both of you. i am sure they have habits or things they slip back into also. Them yelling at you or refusing to understand is the absolute worse way to try and encourage or help a person to break a habit.
Since you said this was like 3rd strike have you ever considered couples counseling ?
Thanks @toughTiger6481 ,
I will keep your advice in mind and try writing down my thoughts first, then revise. I find it better to communicate through online messaging though it might be better in the long run to work towards verbal. I don't think he'll be up for couples counselling but I will try to work on gathering the confidence.
What's he doing to improve for you? He sounds like a big factor to your anxiety, in my opinion. I sincerely hope you're ok.
I'm not too sure about him improving for me. In a more recent situation, I was the one who ruined his day because of certain things I did. All I can think about is how I wasn't any more helpful to him when he was angry (for context, he doesn't get angry very often, at least with me). Right now I can't think of anything else he can improve other than his temper, because he'll just throw back at me whatever habits/actions I've been doing that he told me not to do before, and I'l just lose because overall argument is, my actions were wrong. Other than that, I'm okay right now, I just hope things happened differently. We haven't spoken about what happened but I feel he might be thinking less of me already.
@KoyaRj0903 Sorry to jump in. I was reading some threads and came across yours.
I ask gently - why would you worry about not being helpful to your partner and losing in arguments? Both characteristics do not appear to be healthy. Are they due to unresolved past issues?
@KiwiFresh
I don't necessarily mean losing in arguments but rather being able to express my thoughts verbally instead of just freezing, my mind going blank on the spot, ie. being able to handle confrontation well. Also in general I'm not very good at comforting / cheering people up when they're upset or especially angry. I just want to improve on those things so I can help my partner to feel better instead of being "useless" in the situation.
@KoyaRj0903
In the grand theater of life, we each play our unique roles, and within these roles, we encounter the myriad facets 💎 of the human experience. It's both a privilege and a challenge to engage in relationships that test our resilience, patience, and capacity for growth. 🦋 Your candid sharing echoes the sentiments of countless souls who've navigated the labyrinth of personal challenges and emotional turmoil.
The freeze response, dear friend, is not a flaw but a deeply ingrained survival mechanism. It arises when the environment appears hostile, and words may feel like swords. Your desire for self-improvement and the intention to foster healthier communication are commendable and significant steps on the path of self-discovery. 🌳
Consider that the "you" who yearns to express, learn, and grow, is a dynamic being. At times, words may elude you, and that's alright. You don't need to offer a defense; you simply need the space to reflect, grow, and gather your thoughts. 🎀
In your journey towards a more harmonious relationship and a better, more mature version of yourself, remember that change is not a sprint but a leisurely stroll🤸♂️ through your own mind and heart. 💜 And in this endeavor, like a painter with a canvas, you may need time to craft your masterpiece. Communication is a tango that can be refined. Trust that in nurturing self-compassion and understanding, the ability to express yourself will naturally blossom forth. 💐
The relationship between you and your partner is a shared canvas, each brushstroke a collaborative effort. Seek those moments when the canvas is blank, and you both, in your unique expressions, can paint the portrait of a deeper understanding. 👫 The journey of self-improvement is a jigsaw puzzle of ever-unfolding possibilities, and remember, sweet friend, that you always have a chance to embrace the path of transformation. 🌟💫